In the last two hours of my day:

• A friend asked if my post below was “like when black people use the N word”. I don’t know that I’ve ever had a truly racist thought in my LIFE let alone be so ignorant that I would voice one on my blog just to get a chuckle, so I’m pretty upset about this. Sometimes a banana is just a banana – I don’t care for the FRUIT, in case you thought I was trying to be slyly racist and needed clarification
• A manager at work doesn’t read emails sent by either myself or my boss and doesn’t know what “first draft” means, and instead complains “Kimli’s work is crap” to the fucking VP instead of, you know, figuring out what the document was and why
• Lola got hit by a football on my way home from work because playing catch from a 3rd floor window and rush hour traffic is an awesome thing

Fucking hell.

I think I might be prejudiced against bananas.

look at this smug motherfucker right here

I hate you, banana.

Last night I went to a Mighty Ugly workshop, and I made a hockey.

this is my hockey

He doesn’t have a name – he is just a hockey. I was accused of making him too cute, and yes – at first glance, he is a little bit lovable. However, the things you DON’T know are what make him truly mighty ugly.

Look at his eyes. See how bloodshot they are.

he is so wasted

In his right hand, a beer – his 7th, at $8 a cup. Yes, he is patriotic and waving his maple leaf around – but when the game is over, he will LITTER that leaf by dropping it in the streets.

Litter is not cute. It is ugly.

fifty six dollars of beer

What about his jersey? Ahh, yes – my hockey is indeed a Canucks fan, and he wears #44 – Todd Bertuzzi‘s number. He’s never gotten over his hero leaving Vancouver, and thinks the suspension handed down for the Steve Moore incident was a “fucking joke”. He is in the minority, but he continues to build his fantasy hockey team with Bertuzzi as captain.

all canucks wear their numbers written in glitter

Did you notice the headphones? They’re connected to a (red) Zune. My hockey is listening to Nickelback.

HOW THE HELL'D WE END UP LIKE THIS WHY WEREN'T WE ABLE

If that isn’t Mighty Ugly, I don’t know what is.

The ugly is in the details, my friends.

There’s a Mental Health Camp going on in Vancouver this weekend. I am not attending, but since I have both mental AND health, I figured I would throw my two cents in on the subject.

The goal of Mental Health Camp appears to be to reduce the stigma associated with mental illness and various discussions on coming out, coping, and celebrating the process. With these topics in mind, I present to you Some Words:

It’s relatively common knowledge (I think) that I’m a little crazy – not the flippant “I’m so crazy, I totally think milk is gross!”, but the “not right in the head/I wonder how long it would take to draw blood” kind of crazy. I’ve been on medication since early 2004, and except for some disastrous experimentation in 2008, will likely be on medication to control my crazy for the rest of my life.

My policy of “share everything” meant that when I finally realized that the way I felt wasn’t normal, my first instinct was to blog about it. I threw out a plea for help online, and a lot of people came to my rescue with their own stories. Never did it occur to me that I was doing something shameful by admitting that I needed help – I reached out to my friends, and they threw me a life line. Isn’t that what’s supposed to happen?

Maybe I’ve just been really lucky, knowing good people who would never think to give me shit for something like being crazy. I’ve never faced any kind of stigma (or stigmata) because I have to take anti-depressants daily, and I just assume that’s the way things should be. They’re as vital to me as birth control, anti-histamines and caffeine – and no one thinks less of me because of my dependence on those, so why would my brain medication be any different? In my happy little hilarious world, this is the way things work – people accept and support one another through the good AND bad, and everyone just keeps on trucking.

I don’t know what I would if faced with a negative reaction to my crazy and subsequent treatment of it (other than be totally outraged and then blog about it). I’m not kidding when I say I live in a bubble – the few times I’ve experienced racism completely floored me, and for all my jaded “been there, done that” attitude I am truly shocked when I learn of friends doing coke or meth or going a2m. I want to think the best of people, so I do. It’s hard for me to think that there are people out there who would think less of me because I took action to deal with my chemical imbalances – seriously, I tried to make myself better and you look down on that? – but they’re out there, and I’m lucky that I’ve never experienced it.

All that being said, I don’t really feel a need to be celebrated or handled with gloves because I suffer from a mental illness (however minor it may be). It’s there, and I deal with it. It’s a part of me, like having brown eyes and broken feet and a huge rack. I definitely don’t demand special treatment because I have crazy; nor do I feel the need to get together with other crazies and compare scars. This is why I’m not attending Mental Health Camp – I’m dealing with my issues just fine, and don’t feel I could bring anything of value to the table or take anything important away. Coping with my crazy takes very little effort, and I like it that way – I don’t have the time or desire to get bogged down in the details, be they mine or yours.

I feel as though there may be some backlash from the community because I am not really on board with the whole Mental Health Camp idea, but I’m not going to put on a false smile and support something I don’t truly think I believe in just for the sake of appeasing others. I wouldn’t ask you to march in my Mandatory Birth Control for Everyone Parade if it made you uncomfortable, so I’m not going to do the same to myself. My crazy and I get along just fine, thanks. We don’t need a Camp to validate that to anyone.

PANCAKES!! >:E

j_holtslander over on the Twitters linked to a list of 10 Essential Accessories for the Fashionable Geek. This is all well and good, but I’m a little put out – I consider myself a fashionable geek, but I can’t wear the majority of that list because I don’t do sneakers, t-shirts, belts, men’s dress shirts, or trucker hats. Honestly, most of the list can be swapped with the 10 Essential Accessories for the Ironic Hipster and no one would know the difference.

Except ME.

Since I don’t want to do any real work – seriously, fuck global outage procedures – here is MY list of Essential Accessories for Fashionable Geeks Who Just Don’t Do T-Shirts and Trucker Hats:

1. Okay, this isn’t an accessory so much as an outfit but this Star Trek Original Series Uniform Dress from ThinkGeek is all kinds of awesome – pair it with black boots and a taser, and you’re ready for work, a night on the town, and any Away Mission in between.
2. This RUN CMD hoodie isn’t actually available anymore, which kills me – I wish I had bought it when I first saw it online. It is hilarious and likely warm, which would come in handy during an Away Mission on Hoth (yeah yeah). Since that’s out of the question, here are three nerd hoodies in different styles you CAN buy:  an awesome Domo-kun hoodie, this stylish 1-Up track jacket, and the N7 “armour” from Mass Effect. Interesting note: Ed owns all three of these, because nerd boys in nerd hoodies make me hot.
3. You’ll need something to carry your stuff around in – how about this awesome Left 4 Dead 2 Health Pack? If you prefer a different flavour of geek, there’s always the ever-useful Bag of Holding. I’m all about the Canadiana though, so I carry this old school CBC bag that gets me compliments everywhere I go.
4. Nerd Girls don’t normally wear cufflinks, but shiny comes in many styles:
   • This <3 ring is unisex and cute, and also comes in necklace format
   • Science geek? The Art of Neuroscience on Etsy has you covered with laser-cut DNA jewellery and name plates
   • Tiny Armour sells Pac-Man themed jewellery (among other things), and I covet the Ms. Pac-Man and Ghost rings like you wouldn’t believe
   • Survival of the Hippest makes fun Twitter jewellery, or you can mix things up by searching Etsy for anyone who offers custom name items like this necklace of mine
   • If you’ve got more money than taste, you can ask Pharrell where he got his diamond-covered Mario jewellery
   • Remember my fabulous USB bracelet? Carry your files around in hilarious style!
5. If I’m looking good, my toys should be too – decorate your MacBook or iPad with some hip decals
6. If you weren’t cool enough to get a Canon lens mug at the Winter Olympics, you can now order one online for your very own
7. I’m a nerd, but I’m also a makeup-loving girlie girl. What am I to do, other than buy cosmetics based on video games?
8. Nerd Fashion doesn’t have to cost money – dress up your iPhone with this awesome wallpaper:

click to download the original image

I own a great deal of nerd swag that is no longer available (Quake 1 necklace), limited edition (Katamari charm/pouch/puppet; Rockstar keychain) or hand-made (Jet Set Radio Future hoodie), but there is a LOT of awesome stuff out there (do you have any idea how badly I want this) – I could easily be broke but happy and so stylish it would hurt. Nerds everywhere would lustfully chase me down in the street. It would be awesome.

if you prick us, do we not bleed shakespeare quotes?

We’re going on a CRUISE!

.. to VANCOUVER!

We are poor folk (mostly because of my uncontrollable iTunes spending) who can’t really afford to cruise anywhere exotic or far away, but that doesn’t mean I can’t make the most of adventures we CAN take. Stephanie (she of the awesome Domo cake) sent me a link to a series of 1-day cruises in the Pacific Northwest, and I was intrigued. I’ve never been on any kind of cruise outside of my imagination (when the floor was made of lava), so this has the potential to be an epic, affordable weekend of fun.

The 1-day cruises are offered by Holland America, and you can go from Vancouver to Seattle or vice versa on multiple dates in September. That just happens to be our anniversary month, so I booked us in for a cruise that leaves Seattle on Sunday evening and gets into Vancouver early the next morning. We get dinner and an ocean-view stateroom (I’ve never had sex on a boat – solo sex and group sex yes, but never 1v1) as we sail through the night.

If that wasn’t enough fun, we needed a way to get to Seattle that didn’t involve the car – so I booked us on the train. We leave for Seattle on Saturday evening via Amtrak, getting us there late that night. I haven’t decided what we’re going to do before the boat leaves the next day, but I’m hoping it’ll be restful because I don’t really plan to sleep on the boat (bwah chika bwah bwah there’ll be too much to look at). TRAIN! And BOAT! I can’t wait – Ed’s never been on the train before, and I haven’t in a very long time. We’ve always talked about taking the train somewhere but it’s hard to justify the time and cost with the $50 or so in gas it takes to drive the Mazdabator down. A one-way trip, though, was just MADE for train travel.

I am so, so excited. I love the fall and the ocean and the Pacific Northwest and complicated adventures, and this is all of them wrapped up in a relatively cheap little package. Stephanie has awesome ideas, and we’re on the same cruise she is – clearly, #hipstersonaboat will be an excellent time. I’m trying to convince other people to join us, because More People can only make this adventure More Fun.

Is it too early to pack? What does one wear on a boat, anyway?

I know I should be grateful that I work for a company that looks the other way when I do things like this:

do you have any idea how not hard at all it was to find a tech that spoke klingon

click to embiggen

.. but sometimes, I want more.

I was bored last night, so I decided to do some good old fashioned anal retentive data entry.

You see, while iTunes allows you to look at your purchase history, there’s no way to export the information  – it’s displayed as a graphic, so you can’t even copy and paste it into a spreadsheet. This is a very smart and devious move by Big Brother, because it keeps you from realizing just how much money you spend on songs and apps $.99 at a time. Unfortunately for Apple, I keep ALL my iTunes receipts in case a device or hard drive barfs on me and I need proof of payment. I throw everything into a folder and never look at it, until I am desperately bored on a Sunday night and decide I truly need to categorize everything.

So, that’s what I did. I took all 300+ iTunes receipts and entered the data into a spreadsheet. I know I buy a lot of apps – I am not an App Whore because I sleep with iPhone developers – but just how bad is my iTunes spending? It can’t be THAT bad; apps and songs are a dollar. I’ve got 190 apps installed on my phone right now, so over the life of my iTunes account I’ve spent, what, $200? $300? Pfft, that’s nothing.

Then I totaled it all up.

I opened my iTunes account on November 22nd, 2007. It’s been active for 32 months, and in that time I’ve spent one thousand ninety three dollars and forty one cents.

That’s over $34 a month; more than a dollar a day. I could have a QUEEN for less than that.  Almost $1100 frittered away on digital media and things that go beep and boop or allow me to put mustaches on pictures of my friends.

Holy shit.

Okay, it’s not quite as dire as it seems – I’ve redeemed a number of promo codes that still show up with a dollar amount, but is charged to Store Credit instead of my credit card. Same thing for iTunes gift cards; those purchases are included in my total. Some cards were gifts, but some I had bought on my own so I added them to my total. In the name of Science, I will now recalculate without the Store Credit numbers:

$927.72

Oh, that’s HEAPS better.

As of right now, I am curbing my enthusiasm for throwing money at Mr. Jobs. I will still buy apps, but I will be a little more stringent with my purchases. This process has already begun, but I need cold hard facts to make it stick:

• 2007 (1 month): $3.96
• 2008: $239.52
• 2009: $483.87
• 2010 (to date): $366.06

This is no good at ALL – in 2008, I spent almost $20 a month. In 2009, that jumped to over $40 a month. So far in 2010, I’ve averaged over $52 a month – at this rate, I’m on pace to top $625 in iTunes spending this year and THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN! With the internet as my witness, I WILL BEHAVE!

Seriously, I feel dirty.

I did learn some interesting things about iTunes, though:

• iTunes Canada does not charge tax on songs, just apps (used to be both taxes; now is just the HST)
• iTunes US charges state tax on songs AND apps (I think Kimli of Kenmore WA will relocate to Portland OR)
• Gift cards in Canada can now be used to buy music and apps (we used to be limited to music only)
• Accessing other country’s catalogs is as easy as buying an iTunes card for that country – I routinely buy US iTunes cards so I can download music and games that aren’t in the Canadian store
• Jesus Christ I’ve spent a lot of money on crap:
  • $294.90 on whole albums
  • $510.32 on apps
  • $288.19 on single songs

This is a wakeup call – I had NO IDEA I was throwing this much money away on random. There are some things that are well worth the price I paid for them if not more – the $6 I spent on Hipstamatic comes to mind – but ouch. I’m more than a little convinced that Apple has done this on purpose; given you no real way to look at just how much money you’ve spent in the iTunes Store. After all, $.99 is nothing! But do that 1000 or even 100 times, and you’re looking at some serious money that could be put towards other things like ale and whores.

On the other hand, I’m really glad I don’t drink or smoke or have a Starbucks habit. I couldn’t afford them.

The July long weekend is an unusually quiet time around these parts – while it seems as though we should have days full of non-stop fun and illegal activities, it’s almost always a pretty chill affair with no real sense of urgency. While this isn’t the way I normally spend my days – I tend to thrive on the thrill a minute – it’s been a pleasant change of pace.

Except now I’m done relaxing and am totally ready to get back to my usual programing.

This is the last day of my 4-day weekend, and I’ve spent much of it snoozing. That’s not to say I haven’t done anything at all – I’ve had little pockets of fun that definitely brightened up my cloudy days off, saving me from the dreaded cabin fever and from feeling like I wasted this precious time away from the office. Canada Day was spent lounging around the house in true Canadian fashion – naked – before heading over to Railtown for a group-effort pasta dinner and fireworks at Darren‘s place (he of the view overlooking the Five Sails). Friday was more of the same, until I demanded food on a stick – Ed and I went for an evening scooter ride out to Richmond where we spent an exhausting two hours wandering the Summer Night Market (I bought socks, kettle corn, cushion covers for the couch, and a tiny hat) before getting caught in a surprise downpour on the way home. We watched Hot Tub Time Machine while I hunted dungeons on my iPad, then turned in for the night. In contrast, Saturday was a buzz of activity – it was Heather’s birthday, and we met her at the Lonsdale Quay for an afternoon of bubble tea and enabling which resulted in her buying a Mac Mini later that night. From North Van, it was off to Burnaby for Derek’s birthday party which was fantastic – Derek is known and loved by all, and his party was a veritable who’s who of awesome Vancouver people. There were many hugs and excellent conversations and the most adorable dog ever, and delicious cake(s) – it was a beautiful night to be surrounded by great people, and I enjoyed myself a lot.

The night was still young and Barry and Yunn wanted some lovin’, so we met them at Original Joe’s for food and beer. The place was unusually packed, which was apparently because of the PPV UFC fight being broadcast. As we are not neanderthals OR douchebags, we had no idea this was going on – but luckily, the sweaty mostly-naked men were just about done hugging one another and the bar quickly cleared out once there was no more homoerotic action on the big screen. We ate some delicious food, laughed at many things, and went our separate ways for the night. Good times all over the place, even if most weren’t planned in advance.

Other weekend happenings that do not warrant a paragraph:

• I went slightly mad and reviewed 6 iPhone games for Gamers With Casts, the first of which can be seen here
• I made a goddamn wizard!
• I was apparently very cute yesterday afternoon; an old man stared at me while smiling creepily (scary) and a young guy stared at me with surprise and what I hope was open admiration (I’m oblivious to these things; he may have had gas)
• It is Ali’s birthday and I love her and hope her day is awesome
• I “gifted” Heather with the Twilight books with the instructions that she is to spread the pain when she is done reading them (Donna, I think you’re next)
• Ed has two more days off and therefore he sucks
• Voltage on Main FINALLY reopened after being closed for the entire month of June and I celebrated by buying many small vinyl toys. I got a Morbo AND a Zoidberg!
• I am not ready for the upcoming heatwave
• Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
• Getting blog compliments from someone I admire a lot makes me giggle and blush and generally come off like a fool
• C’mon, buy my Macbook already

I received a bunch of really cool books for my birthday, but I carry one of them around with me in case I am in dire need of inspiration.

Wow, that sentence is kind of creepy. It reads like this would be where I start talking about how the bible has totally saved me from a life of sinful sin and stuff. Luckily, this is not the case – Miranda gave me a copy of this book, and it’s got a bunch of really cool things in it. I decided it would be my go-to book when I’ve got nothing in particular to say: I can pick a topic at random and write about that instead of apologizing again for having a boring week. Today is one of those days, so here goes:

This is a Secret Identity (page 30)

Secret Identity Profile
(who would you like to be?)

Name: Esther Alondra Gomez

Place of Birth: Guadalajara, Jalisco

Profession: Third grade teacher

Likes: Dancing, licorice, church potluck dinners, sewing, gardening

Dislikes: Loud people, mosquito bites, El Chupacabra

Location: Zimapan, Hidalgo

Lifestyle Synopsis (daily activities): I wake up each day at 05:30 and after my morning prayers, I prepare a simple meal for myself, my abuela Graciela and my hermana Inez, usually consisting of sweet bread, fruit and horchata. I dress quickly and walk to my school to prepare the classroom and lessons for the day. In the afternoon, I like to go to the market and shop for ingredients for dinner and also admire the bright fabrics on display. I hurry home to escort my abuela to church where we enjoy an evening service before coming home. I will bathe, brush my hair, and turn in for the night while listening to the radio so I can dance in my dreams.

Personal Habits: I like to wear flowers, and I am very bad at remembering names – the children in my class have to use name plates all year around so I do not forget what they are called!

Hobbies: I love to dance, but I spend most of my time sewing. I make my own dresses because clothing in the stores do not have enough flowers for my taste!

Groups and Associations: I am very active in our church, and also belong to a book club with other ladies in my school. We meet once a week to talk about the books we have read.

Social Life: I do not go out “on the town” like my sister, but I have many good friends that I visit with often. We like to talk and sometimes to to the cinema. At church, I volunteer at our weekly potluck dinners. I enjoy spending quiet time at home!

.. apparently, my alter ego is a Mexican spinster school teacher who lives with her grandmother and spends all her time in church. Seriously, there were so many ways I could have played this – a secret agent; a famous musician – but I opted to go with normal. My life is already unusual; I think if I were trying to be someone else I would go for something that no one else would think of. Hiding in a tiny town, working with children, being all pious and junk? I would NEVER BE FOUND.

To be honest, this isn’t the first time “I’ve” been a 3rd grade teacher. When I used to travel for business, I would amuse myself by lying to taxi drivers and hotel people when the inevitable “so, where are you from/what do you do” questions came up. In Cincinnati, I was a teacher named Michelle in town for a conference on primary education. In Toronto, my name was Julie and I was there for a friend’s wedding. It’s fun to lie to strangers!

Finally, the book included a disguise to be used for my new identity:

esther gomez, brought to life!

It’s like looking in a mirror – of LIES.

this was a legitimate reason to tape things to my face