I sometimes feel left out of things because I don’t drink coffee or alcohol. I’d probably make an excellent Mormon, if not for the whole “religion” thing (and my history of gratuitous swearing, near-constant blasphemy, inability to keep my clothes on, refusal to keep my whore mouth shut, etc).

I was tired of being on the sidelines, so this morning I got breakfast at Tim Hortons and rolled up my very first rim. I won a donut for my troubles. I didn’t particularly enjoy the drink; my hot chocolate was awesome for the first 5 sips, then pure sugary death to the end of the cup. Getting to Tim Hortons is somewhat of a hassle for me, and I don’t know that carrying around a crusty sticky cup to redeem for an $.80 donut is really worth my time, especially given that my last 4 or so donut fixes have been free thanks to a $10 gift card I got somewhere. I am somewhat satisfied, though. I am no longer a rimming virgin!

Wait, that’s not right at *all*.

Yesterday’s Olympic Volunteer Orientation was both interesting and a little insufferable. As people arrived, we were crossed off a master list and sent inside for the security check. RCMP volunteers were there, looking over everyone’s paperwork and checking their identification. They checked everything very carefully, especially the signatures and pictures. George (my very own personal RCMP officer) looked at the picture on my passport and at me, and said “Oh that’s definitely you” to which I am slightly offended, given the size of my head in my passport photo. I passed the security check with flying colours, but my name tripped them up a little because I spelled it “Kimli” on my application but all my ID says otherwise. I promised George that I had no deep dark secrets to hide with my funny spelling, and he let me move on to the next stage: the waiting.

We all sat on some folding chairs with two TV screens playing inspirational videos. It would be a recurring theme of the afternoon – I think by the time it was all said and done, we had seen 4 different inspirational videos full of slow motion celebrations, time-lapse photography and sweeping panoramic shots, all designed to pump us up for the tasks ahead. I personally didn’t get excited until video #2, where shots of people snowboarding were interspersed with action from SSX Tricky, which made me giggle out loud. Video number 3 threw me a little, because it was designed to make us feel excellent about Vancouver – it was very pretty, but 98% of the video featured the city in the summer. It’s awesome and all, but we’re talking about Winter Olympics here – the best we can hope for is varying degrees of soggy wetness.

The Welcoming session consisted of a bunch of introductions and a group exercise. We were given a torch from the Torino games and asked to stand up and introduce ourselves. Official looking people took notes at everything we said, and carefully noted our reactions when we were asked to play the group game. I took charge of my group – I was the only one who had a pen and a notebook handy – and we were then moved onto the individual interviews.

We had all been pre-sorted into the Transportation Volunteer group, meaning we were there to be interviewed for a role in moving people or equipment. The 1v1 interviews were pretty basic – we were asked the same questions we had answered online, with a little more information about the transportation aspect – and then we had a short break before the Orientation session started. I spoke too fast for my interviewer; she had to write all my answers out by hand and I like to use big words very quickly.

The Orientation lasted for 2 hours, and it was the hardest part of the day. The person leading the session was a volunteer who worked as an HR manager for what I am assuming is a company full of 4-year-olds – there was a great deal of talking down and rounds of applause for ourselves and boy aren’t we just super and keen. I was growing extremely antsy during the session – the fact that I had to pee like a warrior didn’t help – and was glad when it was video-watching time, because that meant Mr. Rogers didn’t have to talk down to us for a few minutes. Eventually he let us go, and I bolted for the safety of my car and adult conversation.

All snark aside, the inspirational videos were pretty inspirational. We won’t find out if we passed the interviews for at least a couple of months, but it was an interesting look at what might be to come. I don’t think they’ll make me drive people around, and I did ask if I could do something that actual fit into what I do for reals (training and documentation) so .. we’ll see. I got a pin out of it, and a big binder with a sticker and a CD full of information – and since no one asked me to sell any hot dogs, I will wait and see if I am asked back and will decide my fate at that time.

i yam who i say i yam

I don’t normally do the “What kind of ____ are you” quizzes, but this one was surprisingly accurate (yoinked from raincoaster):

File this one under horrible ideas:

Would you like some public humiliation with your public transit? There’s a series of bus stops in Amsterdam that will weigh you as you wait for the bus and display it on the wall next to you. It’s supposed to “let you know when it’s time to lose a few pounds”.

Right. What a great way to a) make people avoid taking transit and b) ruin someone’s day. Fat people *know* they’re fat. They don’t need it broadcasted for everyone to see and judge. The next time I’m in Amsterdam, you can be sure I won’t be taking any busses – that’ll show them. Never mind the fact that I’ve never been to the Netherlands, have no plans to be in the area any time soon, and don’t take public transit even when I’m not threatened with a particularly nasty wakeup call – I am making a stand against this terrible idea. It’s just .. mean.

It’s no secret that I’m not the world’s biggest fan of Ed’s scooter, Ronnie James Dio. I’ll concede that it’s been performing admirably for the last while, but the amount of hassle he/we had with it since literally the day he got it made me angry in the pants on a weekly basis. I’ve often questioned why Ed had to be different (and difficult) and go with a rebuilt 2-stroke scooter from 1990 instead of a shiny new 4-stroke that wouldn’t break all the time, but he insisted that his ride was awesome and we were just jealous of the amount of time he spent in the repair shop.

It’s all a lie, though. I know EXACTLY why Ed went with the Honda Dio:

Speaking of scooters, it’s looking like the Lo-Fi Scooter Workshop is going to be on the 12th of April (assuming the weather cooperates). You should come by. It’ll be heaping wads of fun!

I am conducting an amusing experiment that is a) amusing to me only and b) not really an experiment at all but rather an adventure in opposites. Today I am wearing the exact opposite of what I wore yesterday – I am rocking a cream double breasted cardigan over a floppy green tank top, whereas yesterday the colours were swapped. Who will notice? No one! Why do I care? Because I don’t get out enough! What we going to get? Several boys!

It’s been several days since Rigoletto, so I’ve had some time to process the evening as a whole. There were a lot of things I wanted to commit to HTML while they were still fresh in my mind, so my efforts that night were dedicated to bringing to moment home to you, the viewer. Now that I’m not on the spot to say something, I can spend a little more time waxing poetic about the experience and also swear more.

My initial opinion of “Rigoletto was fucking awesome” hasn’t changed – it really was amazing. I went into a little detail about how much I loved the set, but I will now say it again – I *loved* the set. Imagine my surprise, then, when one of the recurring themes throughout the night and beyond was that a lot of people thought the performances were incredible, but they hated the set.

How do you figure? From what I gather, a lot of opera traditionalists thought the set was too modern and distracting. One of the things that spoke to me about the set WAS how modern it was – the story is set in the 16th century, but the set had a very industrial feel that spoke volumes to my inner goth punk kid. In particular, the lighting director did some amazing things with fabric and light to indicate mood and weather, and the spooky wind singers in the second act were spectacularly effective. I thought it was an incredibly creative interpretation of the story, but there’s a very clear line separating what we (the opera neophytes) thought and what the traditionalists (cranky old people) are saying. It is interesting.

I applaud the set designer for their gutsy vision. It seems almost too easy to do what’s expected of you and create something that looks like this:

rigoletto set: utah opera

But to add your own stamp to it and actively work to appeal to audiences outside your comfort zone deserves an ovation:

vancouver opera rigoletto: photo by tim matheson

The costumes, too, were great. The hottie that started all the trouble – the count’s wife – was decked out in a bright green wig and saucy corset, and there were punk rock colours all throughout the ladies of the court. Safe and traditional will always have a place, but it’s very encouraging to see something so different from what you were expecting.

The 2-for-1 deal is on until today at 5pm, so if you’d like to check out Rigoletto for yourself, call 604-683-0222 with the promo code 1670 now. Where else are you going to see a silent Greek chorus of clowns in ruffles and pointy hats?

I hesitated mentioning this, but realized I would not be true to myself if I didn’t: the assassin Sparafucile looks like a brunette Legolas, and his costume gave him an enormous package. Now THAT was distracting. I couldn’t stop looking at it and giggling to myself. I am truly surprised they let me outdoors to mingle in polite society at all.

We got a delivery in the office today.

That’s a lot of boxes. What’s inside?

50 sets of router antenna.

Each large box contains 12 or so smaller boxes, each containing two antenna in a plastic bag and held down with tape.

FOR SHAME, JUNIPER NETWORKS! YOUR EXCESSIVE PACKAGING GIVES ME ENVIRONMENTAL RAGE!

Man, if I didn’t hate routers BEFORE ..

I often make fun of Ed for being the least technologically advanced of our group – he has no blog, no Twitter, barely uses Facebook, and I’m not at all convinced about his ability to reply to email. I stole the following meme from Donna, because I’m hoping Ed will cough up the correct answers to anything I get wrong or intentionally make misleading.

Continue reading →

There is something seriously creepy about boarding an empty train, even though the platform is full of people. As far as I could tell, there wasn’t another person on the entire thing – I was all alone.

Naturally, the only thing to do in this situation is dance.

I had to dance quickly, because I was only going one stop. I did a jig, I tried some pole dancing (which, to be honest, was really more like pole flailing), and I may or may not have done the “I’m the king of the world!” thing from Titanic which I have never actually seen so imagine it as done on a train, without Leonard DiCaprio, and full of anachronistic inconsistencies.

The Georgia Straight with my interview in it has hit the streets, so I grabbed a copy for my own amusement and to add to my collection of my fleeting moments of fame. I love seeing my name in print – it satisfies me on so many different levels. Clearly, I should try to get interviewed more. I have so many important things to say!

Last Friday I dragged Ed to the glasses store to help me pick out some frames for some prescription sunglasses. I don’t *need* to wear my glasses when I’m driving, but it helps a little and makes things easier if my eyes are tired or bloodshot from doing blow off the body of a naked hooker. I never wear my glasses when scooting, because I need to keep my eyes shaded – so with the intent of birds and stones and double whammies, I decided it was time to get some fancy sunglasses instead of the dozens of crappy blurry pairs I’ve picked up over the years.

Holy hell, why didn’t anyone TELL me that prescription sunglasses were the greatest things ever? I can SEE. I can see, and I don’t need to squint. They are so awesome. I was able to pick them up that evening, so I’ve been spending as much time as possible outside, staring at the sun. I got two pairs thanks to the sale and my work benefits, so now I can choose between stylish and futuristic. I love them. I’d wear them indoors if I wasn’t afraid of giving people yet another reason to avoid me in the halls.

i'm gonna learn how to fly

People often wonder how they can be as cool or as awesome as I am. It’s not easy (I just make it look that way), but if you wanted to experience a mere glimmer of my fabulous lifestyle, you can start by taking yourself to the opera.

The Vancouver Opera is doing a 2-for-1 ticket offer for Rigoletto, ye of the nudity and cages and guys on stilts, for the March 17th performance. This is an incredible chance to treat yourselves to a fancy night out and see a fantastic performance at the same time.

To get tickets, call 604-683-0222 with the promo code 1670 then sit back and feel excellent about having a real reason to wear a pearl necklace for once instead of by misfire or for roleplaying purposes.

hey baby check out the size of my opera wand

I am really feeling that missing hour today – my head feels like it’s filled with sand and goblins. I couldn’t fall asleep last night and eventually had to abuse some expired NyQuil to catch the zeds. It worked, albeit a little too well – the only reason I’m out of bed right now is because I had a cat yelling in my ear and I really had to pee.

What a weekend that was. I missed out on three parties, yet still somehow managed to squeeze in a great deal of fun. Saturday was the opera, of course – the live blog is below, and I have some more thoughts to share a little later when the sand goblins fuck off and I can think in a straight line again. On Sunday, the gang minus Darren (AWOL) and Ed (sick) plus John from Toronto (my replacement husband for the day) met up with Brigitte and Markus for Dim Sum at Sun Sui Wah on Main Street. It was packed in there, but Miranda lied her way into getting us a table. The food was great – they had this thing called a Mango Pancake that was just brilliant, and we made our way through three orders of it – and our server was kind of hilarious. For reasons we can only guess at, he decided to ask us all if we had any connections with FedEx or UPS because he needed a new job and had to get out of the restaurant business. He was a walking resume, telling us all about his work history and skills. We promised we’d mention him to people we know, so if anyone knows how Roland from Sun Sui Wah can get into the courier business, let me know and I’ll give you his phone number. He’s hard working, has a lot of initiative, and is thoroughly sick of working weekends and wearing a bow tie. Someone should hire him!

After we stuffed ourselves into a food coma, we decided to take advantage of the remaining sunlight and go for a drive to Squamish. We dropped the Mazdabator off at home, tried unsuccessfully to pry Ed off the couch, and were on our way. John is in town until Thursday, so we had to show him as much of the city as we could. I had previously postponed the Lo-Fi Scooter Workshop (to be held on an undecided date in April due to the weather and Josh’s Ruckus being sick), so I was glad to have something to do. We stopped at Shannon Falls to take pictures, then at Porteau Cove on the way back. Normally a trip to Taco Bell would be a mandatory part of Squamish (shut up, Canadian Taco Bell is awesome and we miss it but not enough to go to Surrey), but as we were still full from brunch and Miranda and Reilly had a party to set up for, we skipped it. We parted ways after that, with the Gastown peeps headed to the liquor store for the photographer party and the North Shore faction making it home just before the blizzard started.

With the stupid amounts of snow falling from the sky it seemed like an excellent time to stay in and nap, so that’s what I did – potential death be damned. I awoke in time to watch the new Simpsons, then played video games until I was sick of hacking leapgates and fighting demon candles. Sleep did not come, and now I am reluctantly at work and ready to translate technical garbage into Router Maintenance for Dummies. Hooray!

Those Mango Pancakes were fucking awesome, though.

a rough night at the opera