doesn’t belong in the ear

As I tossed and turned my way through yet another sleepless night, worried that someone had replaced my ear drops with poison in an attempt to murder me Hamlet style, I realized that I may in fact be getting sick. That is unfortunate, even without the ear poison. I’ve managed to avoid the plagues and viruses that have ensnared most of my social circle for the past few months (the one good thing about most of our interactions taking place online), but I think this latest and greatest disease may have me in a clammy grip of distorted vision, non-stop headaches, and general aching. Normally I’d start whining that I really don’t have time for this, but let’s be honest: there isn’t a hell of a lot going on in my life right now other than catastrophic disappointment and failure, so a cold might be a welcome change.

How are things? Frankly, things have been much, much better. I’m trying to keep my chin up (mostly so I don’t walk into doors), but it’s difficult. There’s so much I want to scream and shout about, but I can’t probably shouldn’t, so instead I am vague and frustrating and frustrated and constipated from all this angst I have going on. I am trying very hard not to know that this Wednesday will mark 8 years since my dad’s mysterious death, that this time last year I was four days away from two weeks in London, that I am both yearning for and afraid of success, that I desperately want to bite off more than I can chew but no one will throw me a bone. I miss Sasha. I miss London. I miss video games. I miss sleep. I miss perks.

Things will get better one way or another, but when I’m already not feeling very well it’s so easy to wallow instead of being upbeat and chipper. So, I’m going to embrace it: today, I am sad and discouraged and hopeless. Tomorrow, I will be better. Things will change. Stuff will be good. We shall overcome.

Also, owning these would help me get over this little pity party I’m having today:

i likely won't be able to walk, but godDAMN i will look awesome

i likely won’t be able to walk, but godDAMN i will look awesome

You can tell I am super sad, because I am looking at shoes.

what, me worry

Another year, another PAX I am wholly unprepared for. Each year I question why I attend, and each year my reasons (beyond the omnipresent FOMO) seem to dwindle. This year, my main reason for going is downright sad: I want to collect all the Nintendo DS Streetpasses from other attendees. Show me your houses, people, so that I may purchase your furniture. All hail the Happy Home Showcase!

I really need to just hit myself over the head and try to forget about work, and getting out of town to be afraid of crowds is a good start. I’m stupidly worried about my two big projects (and several other slightly less big projects), to the point where I gave some serious thought to skipping PAX so I could stay and work. This is dumb for many reasons, but my ridiculous dedication was winning until I pulled an underhanded move on myself: I ordered new boots from Amazon and sent them to Ali’s place. If I don’t go to PAX, I don’t get my new boots (um and the 80 coconut bars and BMO figurine that somehow also ended up in my cart). Since new boots easily trumps my worrying that the universe will fall apart if I’m not there to be angry, I will go to PAX. I am easily manipulated by myself (and I may have volunteered to work the holiday Monday so we don’t fall even further behind).

I need to turn off my brain for a few days; enjoy PAX and new boots and Seattle. After all, next week is going to be even more challenging .. so why waste all this excellent worrying now, when I’ll have so much more to do later?

I think I may be turning into an ulcer.

the best things in life are free

.. unfortunately, my life is comprised mainly of apparently rotten things that all require cash money that I may not have. So, I’ve brainstormed some potential money-making ideas:

  • No one really NEEDS two kidneys
  • Marketing my blood as a hardcore, Mountain Dew-esq alternative to maple syrup
  • Selling my eggs – who wants a little half Malaysian in them?
  • Hand jobs for $5
  • Selling the sperm collected from the $5 handjobs
  • Opening a pie, lemonade, and handmade pornographic goods stand with Sam
  • Sell out! Attention all companies: Delicious Juice Dot Com is ready to start shilling for you! Do you want access to my four remaining readers? Would your product or service be a perfect fit for my .. apparent inability to finish a sentence? Contact me today!
  • Be independently wealthy and become a vigilante tech writer
  • Buy, then resell, Beanie Babies
  • Return all my Diet Coke empties
  • Kissing booths are so passé – I will open a motorboat booth. Make blaggle wooble sounds in my bosom for $2!
  • Visit the bereaved and claim I sold his or her recently deceased loved one an expensive, personalized user manual that has money owing on it

Oh yeah. I’m going to be paying my bills in NO TIME.

now i’m over here

Not long after I started my job, I was moved to the Worst Desk in the Office (they assured me it was nothing personal, but I still have my suspicions). Stuck, I tried to make my workspace feel like home by stealing furniture and creating some walls, then covering those walls in video game posters and toys. None of this could really disguise the fact that the desk was still terrible, but at least I had some semblance of privacy. I truly hated it, though – since the day I moved, I’ve been trying to get a different desk anywhere else. I volunteered to sit in the kitchen, or the bathroom, or in the middle of the floor, all to no avail: I had to stay put, and it sucked.

Fortunately but unfortunately, a mass exodus at work has freed up some space and more than a year later, I finally have a new desk. It is an excellent desk; one that people don’t walk behind a million times a day. It’s bigger than my old one, and has fewer splinters that ruin my clothes when I sit down. I even have a tall cabinet with shelves for all my toys and Diet Coke cups (I have 9 mugs at work for some reason) and the collective Nerf arsenal of the Graphics Department. I am pleased with my new home.

Being pleased as punch will only get you so far when you are VERY SAD, though: another person from my fledgling Product Design team has given notice. My future is up in the air, and that is my least favourite place for it to be: I am a sad, worried Kimli.

These are dark times, even with all the light streaming through my new windows. One small plus, though – a gratifying number of people who walk past my old desk are shocked/upset/confused/worried when they see that I am no longer there.

the feels

For all my rah-rah gung-ho yay-team posturing, I am afraid of change. Positive changes can be scary, but I’m usually all for them – it’s the negative changes that bring way, way down and into a whirlpool of fear that no Maytag repairman can haul me out of.

Things are a-foot at work, and I am simultaneously bummed out and terrified to the point where I didn’t get any sleep last night (it was also hot as balls, but for the most part I couldn’t turn my brain off and no amount of dong-counting could override the dreaded WHAT IF). I don’t want to get into specifics – I have faith that the Big Situation will be resolved shortly – but it’s the fallout of the Big Situation that is marbling up my ass: people are leaving the company.

I’m always sad when good people leave, but of the three people (that I know of) who won’t be around at the end of July, I’m particularly upset about one of them – he’s the lead of the recently-formed team I’m on, and I was really excited to work with him.

I know there are bigger issues here, but at the moment I’m wallowing in some self-pity – as much as I love being a tech writer, my new role is the stuff dreams are made of. I’d still get to write all the words, but I’d also get to CREATE and share ideas and have input and DO MORE, and it was everything I didn’t know I wanted but now can’t live without. I don’t want to go back to being a silent, non-essential member of the team. I want to DO STUFF, and I want to do it with the team that had been hand-picked for the STUFF we’d get to do.

All of the above may still happen – things are kind of up in the air at the moment – but I was really, really excited about my new team and specifically, working with the team lead. It’s just not going to be the same when he leaves, and that sucks. I am Seriously Bummed Out, and worried about the future. Both of these are uncomfortable feels, but having both at the same time is really fucking shitty. Uncertainty, you are not my friend.

I don’t want to think about having to look for work again – to say that I’d be devastated would be kind of an understatement – but on top of that unwelcome ulcer, there’s the sinking feeling that I’d never find another job as fun as this one has been and that would give me the chance to do the MORE I didn’t know I wanted so badly until it was enticingly dangled in front of my face.

I have all of the sad. I do not like it.

i liked it better when they fit.


It only took me 6 months, but I FINALLY found all the porn on Vine (hint: they use l33t sp34k in hashtags). Since I have a lot of catching up to do, I plan to look at dicks all night long.

I am sure this will in no way affect the meeting I have tomorrow morning in which I pitch children’s education ideas.

I love my job (and apparently looking at strange dicks).

pretty pretty pretty

good news, everyone

Many weeks ago I alluded to some Big Changes coming at work; changes that would either make me sad and frustrated or happy-ish but faking competency. I am pleased to announce that the information embargo has kind of been lifted*, and I now know what my future holds: I will be happy, and I won’t have to bullshit my way through being a Project Manager to do so!

The backstory: a few months ago, a decision had been made by Those In Charge that would take most of the fun out of my job and make things extra tedious and confusing. Naturally I was unhappy about this, because I love fun and hate tedious – also, I am Good at Information and with the new format, I would not be allowed to be Good at Anything outside of reading and regurgitation. I started rocking the boat in sadness, and had asked anyone who would listen that should these changes come to fruition, I needed to be in a different role: one that would allow me to DO the things I am Good at. I felt that the changes would hold me back and punish my voracious need to know All the Things Ever, and this would make me miserable (and also be bad for the company: I’m smart! Use me!).

To my extreme surprise and joy, my plaintive mewling was heard and last week I was told The Plan: instead of moving me into Sales (scary) or making me a Project Manager (terrifying), I am being moved to a brand new team called Product Design, where my job would be to do all the fun, hands-on, thinky, scary, talky, creative stuff that I was worried I was going to lose. It’s a role that was both literally and figurative MADE for me, and I am so excited I could just squeak. HOORAY! It’s absolutely the most awesome outcome that could have happened; one so good it never even crossed my mind to ask about. I can’t wait to get started (the team officially starts on June 24th)!

Have I mentioned lately that I love what I do? And now, I get to love it even more. YAY! I am about this happy:

“yay!”, honked the goose, showing off his frightening teeth.

Also, my weekend was this good:


*: I asked for an updated job description, but was asked to wait until we actually get started so we can figure out what the whole proces is going to look like. I have a fairly good idea what I’ll be doing, so I’m not worried. Also, I get to invent a new title for myself. What should I be? I am currently a Technical Writer, which has no pizzaz whatsoever. I need a flashier title. Help me!


The fact that a new year has just started is pretty much coincidental – I didn’t start out with any sort of grand resolution to seek out new things in 2013, it just so happens to be January.

Music: My latest obsession is to turn the TV to the satellite radio channels and leave it there for hours. It’s great background music that doesn’t distract from my other obsession (more on that below), and there are no commercials. My constant is the “Rock Alternative” channel, and only once in the past few weeks have I heard something that made me yell at the TV (an absolutely horrible cover of RHCP’s “Breaking the Girl”). Every once in a while I’ll hear something that grabs me by the girl balls, so I use technology to find the song and download it with iTunes credits I got for Christmas. I’m hearing a lot of new music, am newly obsessed with this song, and given the amount of Florence and the Machine I’ve heard lately, I feel like a true hipster. Success all around!

Games: Listening to music on the TV leaves my hands free for what I do with the rest of my time: play Paper Mario Sticker Star on the 3DS. I received it (along with Scribblenauts Unlimited) from Ed, and I’ve been spending most of my waking moments (and some of my sleeping ones) playing it. It’s a surprisingly huge game (or I’m just really used to iOS titles): I’ve sunk almost 24 hours into it so far, and I figure I’m about 3/4 of the way through. I’m enjoying it much more than I did the last half of the last Paper Mario game I played and it’s been almost refreshing to get Nintendo Thumb after all these many years of iPhone Wrist. Fun stuff.

Also, when I DO get Nintendo Thumb, I just grab my iPhone and play my other obsession: The Grading Game for iOS. It’s literally a game in which you have to find spelling errors and grammatical mistakes in a series of student essays, and I am infatuated with it. It’s not perfect – I’ve actually found a mistake in the game that cost me points – but it’s very fun and totally aimed at word nerds like me. The game can be surprisingly difficult (I’m a speed reader and even I have trouble getting through some of the essays in the allotted time AND because I read so quickly I often glance over a word to absorb it without reading the entire thing and therefore skip a spelling mistake I should have caught), but it’s great. And educational. I now know an awful lot about Political Action Committees, for some reason.

Lighting: Ed’s parents gave us some money for the house for Christmas, so we’ve ordered the ottoman that will replace my favourite chair and also picked up a Hue light kit. We spent most of last night playing with coloured lighting, and will be picking up more bulbs (slowly, as they’re friggin’ expensive) to mood light Sparta to our heart’s content. It’s a neat (if pricey) little system, and I can’t wait to do more with it (rave at my house in March!). I kind of want to replace all our light bulbs with fancy ass wireless LED ones, but a) I am not a millionaire and b) we have way too many lamps that require tiny-based Ikea bulbs. The rest, though – soon there will be colours EVERYWHERE. The Lady Cave is next!

Internet: I’ve reactivated my Tumblrs. I post little things there, like pictures or two-line updates, or things that catch my fancy. Feel free to follow me there (especially if you too have a Tumblrs; it’s the one place I will guarantee a follow back), because everyone totally needs yet another place to see my brain juices.

The Rest: This is our one weekend this month without plans, so we’re enjoying it accordingly. Soon I will have a shower and go buy a flash for my camera, and at some point we will need to get groceries. The transition back into work on Wednesday was smooth and fun thanks to the addition of Sam at the office, so the rest of my life is wrist-deep in the status quo at the moment: I’m pleasantly occupied by my many electronic devices, the annoying and extremely inappropriate crush I seem to be developing on someone, and preparing my wardrobe for the eventual return of the sun.

How’s by you?