“Look at the size of those ice cubes!”

“They’re not ice cubes, they’re glaciers. If you look closely, they’re moving very slowly.”

“.. and shrinking, because of global warming?”

“Yes, and it makes Indians cry by the side of the road.”

“No, the Indian cries because of litter. Global warming makes Al Gore cry.”

“Oh, right.”

Man, babies are weird.

Um.

So, how about that local sports team?

Er.

What’s the deal with airplane food?

Oh.

Can you believe there’s no flash on the iPhone?

Fuck it – here’s a picture:

i can haz new toy - a zumi digital tiny cam

Okay, now that I’ve said my piece about last night’s hilarious but unfortunate verbal battle, I can focus my attention on the OTHER Twitter kafuffle: the hot button topic of children at Northern Voice.

Contrary to what most people think, I don’t hate children. In fact, I was on the side of most of the parents contributing to last night’s debate – but it’s such an emotional topic for some that they’re blind to what’s actually being said and instead focus on preconceived notions like I’m a baby eating child hater who thinks all parents should be shunned and/or kept locked in a room with their spawn so the rest of us don’t have to deal with them.

Northern Voice has always been listed as a “child-friendly” event, with a room set aside for parents to set up some sort of day care system if they wish. The last three words are the important ones: it’s up to the parents to arrange something; not the Northern Voice organizers. They’ll provide the space; YOU work out the childcare yourself. As far as I know, that’s the way it’s always been – but this year, no one arranged anything. People brought their children, and there was nowhere to put them. Babies made noise, people were unable to hear speeches, and all of a sudden it’s a big war between the snotty douchebag child haters against the self-righteous entitled breeders.

Can’t we all just get along?

I am NOT against children being at Northern Voice. I do not, however, think that the panels or sessions are an appropriate place for your child, no matter how angelic and smart they are. Just like parents are entitled to attend any event they want; the childfree are also entitled to a space free from distractions. Why would you want to subject your child to Northern Voice sessions, anyway? Face it – grown ups are boring and a lot of the talks are completely inappropriate for kids.

Children don’t come with an off/on switch. How can anyone guarantee that their kid will be completely silent the entire time when someone is presenting? You can’t, and because you can’t, the sessions are not the place for kids. Everyone – childful and childfree alike – paid a great deal of money to attend, and everyone deserves to get the full experience from Northern Voice. You can’t tell me that your time there wouldn’t have been drastically different if you were trying to listen to Tod’s podcast talk while a baby cried 4 rows behind you, or a toddler ran up and down the aisles giggling while Steff was pouring her heart out. It isn’t fair to ANYONE – attendees OR speakers – to have to compete with that kind of fracas going on in the background, and that is why I think kids shouldn’t be allowed in the presentation/keynote rooms.

At the conference itself? Bring ‘em on!

If Northern Voice had child-minding services set up, there’s no reason why all sides can’t be happy. I understand that this has costs associated with it, which opens up a whole other can of worms: who pays for it? It’s not fair to make everyone pay more to cover the few who can’t/won’t find an alternative for their kid(s), but there’s potential for hardship (and non-stop bitching about being penalized for being a parent) if people had to pay extra to cover on-site babysitting. The only two possible answers I see would be to either a) collect and arrange volunteers beforehand to cover shifts of childcare (which could potentially bring about a whole host of insurance or legal issues), or find a sponsor to donate/pay for childcare. These are just two options; there could be more. It doesn’t have to be as difficult as people seem to want to make it.

As an aside, childfree does not equal child hater. Plenty of people who don’t have children like them just fine, and are childfree for reasons they do not owe you to disclose. During last night’s heated debate, it was repeatedly stated that children should not only be allowed at Northern Voice, they should be allowed to contribute to panels – then maybe all the asshole kid hating douchebag hipsters would see that kids aren’t so bad!

Really? REALLY? You honestly think the best way to change our minds about children is to force us to interact with them? Why on EARTH would you subject your child to basically performing for people who don’t care? Because that’s really it – I don’t *care* how special and smart and sociable and talented little Suzie or Johnny is. I’m sure your kids are lovely, but I go to Northern Voice to interact with like-minded bloggers and to meet people. I was astounded at how many times I saw someone say “parents went to the sessions of non-parents; they should have to come to OUR sessions too” – what? Are you serious? One of my favourite things about Northern Voice is the CHOICE offered to people; three or more simultaneous sessions running at the same time so you can attend the things that matter to YOU. I don’t actively look at the schedule and think “Well, I don’t really need to go to Facebook 101, but the only other session at that time is Quantum Physics and Social Media, which is run by a – ugh – parent. Facebook 101 it is!”. Even if I wasn’t the president of Team No Babies, why would I go to a panel entitled: Family Matters: Blogging For Mommies and Daddies? I wouldn’t. Just like I expect most of you won’t make an appearance at my Northern Voice 2011 session, “The Politics of Bukkake: Facials in Gay Porn”. And that’s okay – I won’t be offended. Why are you?

I don’t hate children, okay? Stop villainizing me and assuming everything I say is going to be 100% anti-child. I’m on your side. I think kids should be allowed at Northern Voice. I just don’t think they belong in the sessions – we ALL deserve to get everything we can out of the experience.

And the silence was only broken by the sound of his best friend’s zipper.

Emotions ran high last night on Twitter; higher than I’ve ever seen them. The topic being discussed was an extremely sensitive one, and hash was slung all over the map by all sides. I was not immune to the fray; I threw my own mighty insistent two cents into the ring for several hours straight – but more on that in a another post. There’s something I’d like to address first:

It’s been a really, really long time since anyone has called me a whore.

I finally lost it last night, and snapped – before I was really aware of what I was doing, #0<1>:Dark Angel #169] came out with fists a-swingin’, and I unleashed something  I’ve not let loose for many years: my temper, my way with words, and some devastatingly accurate, barbed observations delivered in a volley of perfect grammar and timing.

When the smoke had cleared, I was a jumble of emotions: 20% annoyed with myself (I shouldn’t have stooped to that level), 45% triumphant (take that!), 5% chagrined (I wish I hadn’t called her a cunt; I love cunts), 30% ready for round two (damn, it feels good to be a gangsta), 20% amused (this is hilarious!), and 100% bad at math. I’m only human, and everyone has their breaking point – last night mine was hit, and the end result was .. all that. I probably lost some e-face, but it felt really good to let loose and say my piece. I was tired of the shit being spread behind my back. If you can say you wouldn’t have done the same, then you are a better person than I.

And in the end, the silence was broken only by the sound of his best friend’s zipper.

I may have created a monster.

Now that NV10 is over, I can finally share some of the pictures from the photo shoot in April:

ten little biebers all in a row

so creepy

I got rid of most of the masks after the shoot – you try keeping a dozen of these things around your house and sleep soundly at night – but I did keep a few, which made an appearance at UBC on Saturday:

he sees you when you're sleeping

is that a bieber in your pocket?

tiny bieber is coming for you

Sweet dreams!

The more or less well-kept secret part of my Northern Voice presentation was the inclusion of swag bags – I didn’t want to let it be known that my talk would include presents for a variety of reasons, but I think we did a pretty good job of keeping it on the down low. I love giving presents to people, so I borrowed Andrea and Rob’s brilliant idea with their blessing and set about finding some swag to give.

I just so happen to know some talented crafters and awesome people, and everyone I approached was totally on board with my idea. I thanked everyone on the last slide, but here’s a list of what was in each of the 30 swag bags handed out on Friday afternoon:

• A beautiful glass magnet made by Heather
• Chocolate from Lotus Events
• Space Invader Soap made by Donna
• Info and lip balm from the LACE Campaign
• A coveted monkey button and card for free embroidery from the Sock Monkey Army
• A DIY pinwheel kit from Spool of Thread
• Breast Cancer Awareness notepad
• Super Mario Galaxy gum from me
• Smuttons
• .. and 10 of the bags also had the very first Mighty Ugly workshop dolls from Kim

I didn’t think to take pictures of any of the swag bags, because I am not that smart. I think they were well received though; I was too busy trying to keep upright to remember to watch the reactions. I’m glad I was able to pull off the “give people presents” idea and work it into my presentation (“here’s a sure-fire way to make friends – give people presents!”), and delighted that people contributed their wares to them – my friends are freakin’ awesome.

Yesterday was one of those rare gems of a day where every moment seemed to top the one that came just before it, ending in a veritable orgy of hilarity that left puddles of helpless laughter pee all over Kim’s floor – sorry about that.

I knew I was in for some excellence when I arrived at UBC for the second day of Northern Voice – I had barely made my way into the atrium when Jen handed me a bag full of porn for my Smuttons. Hooray! This was some seriously quality (by which I mean depraved) stuff, too – did you know that Hustler sold a Canadian version of their magazine? Neither did I! While I had been previously shocked at the quality of porn donated to my cause by Nelson, I was *floored* at what Jen gave me. I grew up reading Penthouse and Playboy, something I’m actually grateful for – I absorbed the words and learned all about sex, but the pictures left everything to my imagination. If I had easy access to this kind of magazine during my formative year (age 8), I’m pretty sure I’d be a celibate virgin living with 50 cats before I’d ever let one – or three – of those pork swords anywhere near my hot beef pit.

I often thought of myself as so worldly and awesome because I found out about sex through my dad’s porn stash at a very early age, but now I am nothing more than relieved and thankful that dad wasn’t into looking at people doing it in every hole; just appreciative of nude women. I’m quickly becoming a porn connoisseur (pornoisseur?); learning to rate the magazine based on the images seen before the table of contents. A naked woman photographed with soft light and a Vaseline-covered lens? Clearly this is a classy magazine produced by someone who loves the female form. Partially clothed woman just about to use her tongue to produce untold delights but never actually making content with anything? This is medium-grade porn; dirty enough so you don’t need to think about what’s being implied but you don’t actually get to see any real action. Naked woman using one hand to goatse her vagina while getting double stuffed from the other end by a football player and a referee both of whom are wearing helmets for some reason? Now you’re into Hustler or Swank territory, and it’s really very gross in here – I wouldn’t recommend removing your shoes.

In retrospect, my first batch of Smuttons were so tame.

Still giggling over Jen’s porn, I danced my way further into the atrium to search out additional friends. There, Kim motioned at me excitedly – she had a present for me! I told her what Jen had just given me, and asked if she thought she’d be able to top the bag full porn. She didn’t say a word, and just handed me this:

bear hug!

having sex? get tested!

i may need to update The Rules

.. the only words that come to mind are “fucking awesome” and “where can I get more of these” (answer: locally; HiM is a Vancouver organization). This is fantastic, and an awesome idea with wonderful, clever marketing. Happy, fun, SAFE sex? Sign me up! Someone gave this to Kim, who immediately thought that I would love it and she was right. I love my friends, and I love that I’m the first thing they think of when they see stuff like this, gay man or not.

All this happened within the first 15 minutes of my arriving at Northern Voice, and I honestly didn’t think the day could get any better – how wrong I was. At lunch, Miranda took pictures of the Smuttons I had done up to give out during the afternoon’s sex panel. She had been telling me for a while that I really needed to get a Smutton page up on my website, because I was directing all these people to Delicious Juice Dot Com but wasn’t offering up any information about them. I told her I would work on a page on Sunday, but this wasn’t fast enough for her – so using a picture she had just taken and with the miracle of wi-fi, she did up a page for me mere seconds before Darren Barefoot brought up my website on the two enormous screens in front of a room full of people – and there was a page all about Smuttons! Miranda attacked with HTML and love, and she is awesome!

This wasn’t the end of yesterday’s fun by a long shot, but I’m several pages down and utterly spent – you’ll have to wait for the video aftermath of last night’s party. It isn’t to be missed – trust me.

Once upon a time I was feeling brave. I try not to feel brave very often, because when I do, the crazy little ideas I keep buried in the back of my head solidify and turn into crazy big plans that take on a life of their own.

On a whim, I submitted an abstract for something I had been thinking about for a while – namely, my fear of other people and how I’m slowly learning to gracefully dance around my issues by stomping the ever-living fuck out of them. Just like I (eventually) grew tired of being crazy, I grew tired of waiting around for life to be interesting so I went and Did Something about it.

That something appears to have culminated in giving a presentation to a shockingly full room of people, most of whom I did not know. Outside of work, it was the first public speech I’ve had to give that involved actual preparation – casting doesn’t count because there’s no prep work and I don’t have to make eye contact with anyone (because then I’d miss the action I was supposed to be calling). It was terrifying. I felt very small and very silly all at once, and I don’t remember half of what I said.  I know I repeated myself several times and lost my place more than once, and most of my advice can be boiled down to “don’t be an asshole”. I ended my presentation with presents for the audience so they’d forget how many times I fucked up or stumbled over my words or just plain made no sense – don’t forget, I submitted the abstract thinking there was no way in hell it would actually be accepted so imagine my surprise and terror when I started hearing that people were actually INTERESTED in the topic – and instead concentrate on the awesome things my talented friends provided. I’m afraid of people, but I can be cunning when the situation calls for it (or when there is spy music playing in the background).

But .. I did it. I planned, built and delivered a presentation on overcoming the very thing that tries to keep me in the corner of the room trying desperately to sink into the floor. Not only that, but I think I may have pulled it off – people were saying some ridiculously nice things about my session on Twitter and to me afterward. Some of it was about the presents – let’s face it, the swag bags were *awesome* – but I think I got my message across. I don’t actually remember what that message is – it’s been a very long and overwhelming day – but I think I might have done good.

I think I might be proud of myself. What a weird feeling.

Overcoming Social Anxiety – Kimli

This is the slide only version – video coming later, if it doesn’t make me and to crawl into a hole and die.

Um, and maybe the first version which basically didn’t need me to talk at all because all my content was on the screen.

I’m at Northern Voice, currently sitting through the keynote presentation (I think). We’re in a different building this year, and the main room is an atrium – I can’t actually understand anything being said because of the echo. I will assume the speech is very inspiring and motivational, but I can’t say for certain.

I will be popping in and out all day, as I don’t really have a game plan for the conference with the exception of my presentation at 2:45. I am petrified and trying not to think about it, but people seem to be rooting for me. That is good, and also heh heh “root”.

There is a large chicken here. I am hoping the Hootsuite Owl makes an appearance, and the two of them fight.

Doing my part to keep the conference classy:

the outfit didn't pass inspection, so it's clearly perfect