This should be a treat – on Friday night, I have to go clubbing.
“Treat” is sarcasm. “Have to” is because I really do have to – it’s for Shan’s stagette, which I wouldn’t miss even if it filled me with anxiety and dread .. which, coincidentally, it totally does.
Shan wants to go drinking and dancing for her stag, so that’s what we’re doing. We’re going to the Waldorf for hip hop night, which I assume will be filled with people in skinny jeans and fringed scarves shuffling ironically to Maestro Fresh Wes and Young MC. The Waldorf scares me as it is – we like to play at hipsterism, but these people are the Real Deal – and bars are my natural enemy. I am desperately uncomfortable in bars. I’ve overcome most of my social anxiety, but it ramps back up to Cold War levels when I’m around drunk people. And clubbing – I don’t even know where to begin with that; everything I know about clubbing I know from TV and it always looks terrifying and complicated. I’m already anxious about being in a dark, loud room full of drunk strangers – I’m expected to move in a rhythmic manner as well?! This entire plan torments me. I asked Twitter what I’m supposed to wear to a clubbing, and was told I need something called a “jet skirt” – I assumed this was a skirt with airplanes on it (which I don’t have, but could make!); but noooooooooo. According to Corinna, it’s “skirt so short you can see the landing strip” .. WHAT THE HELL! WHY IS THIS SO SCARY??!
You know, I am awfully bad at distracting myself – I started to write a blog post to get my mind off some TOP SECRET GOING-ONS that have me stressed out to the point of a stomach ache and no more finger nails, but then I go and write about how stressed out I am about this Friday night. This? Not soothing. I am MADE OF WORRY.
It’s a good thing I love Shan, or I would skip her stag on account of being terrified to the point of incontinence. In fact, would that help? I will totally pee myself if it will help.
What the hell am I going to wear?
Does anyone have an Ambien I can borrow? Oh wait, that’s for sleeping. How about Xanax? That’s for anxiety, right? I am about as good at drugs as I am at clubs.