Once upon a time I was feeling brave. I try not to feel brave very often, because when I do, the crazy little ideas I keep buried in the back of my head solidify and turn into crazy big plans that take on a life of their own.

On a whim, I submitted an abstract for something I had been thinking about for a while – namely, my fear of other people and how I’m slowly learning to gracefully dance around my issues by stomping the ever-living fuck out of them. Just like I (eventually) grew tired of being crazy, I grew tired of waiting around for life to be interesting so I went and Did Something about it.

That something appears to have culminated in giving a presentation to a shockingly full room of people, most of whom I did not know. Outside of work, it was the first public speech I’ve had to give that involved actual preparation – casting doesn’t count because there’s no prep work and I don’t have to make eye contact with anyone (because then I’d miss the action I was supposed to be calling). It was terrifying. I felt very small and very silly all at once, and I don’t remember half of what I said.  I know I repeated myself several times and lost my place more than once, and most of my advice can be boiled down to “don’t be an asshole”. I ended my presentation with presents for the audience so they’d forget how many times I fucked up or stumbled over my words or just plain made no sense – don’t forget, I submitted the abstract thinking there was no way in hell it would actually be accepted so imagine my surprise and terror when I started hearing that people were actually INTERESTED in the topic – and instead concentrate on the awesome things my talented friends provided. I’m afraid of people, but I can be cunning when the situation calls for it (or when there is spy music playing in the background).

But .. I did it. I planned, built and delivered a presentation on overcoming the very thing that tries to keep me in the corner of the room trying desperately to sink into the floor. Not only that, but I think I may have pulled it off – people were saying some ridiculously nice things about my session on Twitter and to me afterward. Some of it was about the presents – let’s face it, the swag bags were *awesome* – but I think I got my message across. I don’t actually remember what that message is – it’s been a very long and overwhelming day – but I think I might have done good.

I think I might be proud of myself. What a weird feeling.

Overcoming Social Anxiety – Kimli

This is the slide only version – video coming later, if it doesn’t make me and to crawl into a hole and die.

Um, and maybe the first version which basically didn’t need me to talk at all because all my content was on the screen.

I’m at Northern Voice, currently sitting through the keynote presentation (I think). We’re in a different building this year, and the main room is an atrium – I can’t actually understand anything being said because of the echo. I will assume the speech is very inspiring and motivational, but I can’t say for certain.

I will be popping in and out all day, as I don’t really have a game plan for the conference with the exception of my presentation at 2:45. I am petrified and trying not to think about it, but people seem to be rooting for me. That is good, and also heh heh “root”.

There is a large chicken here. I am hoping the Hootsuite Owl makes an appearance, and the two of them fight.

Doing my part to keep the conference classy:

the outfit didn't pass inspection, so it's clearly perfect

Being a frequent visitor and somewhat unusual to behold is a perfect storm for forging awkward relationships: the ladies at the McDonalds next to my house now know me by order. I go through drive through on average 6 times a week; always getting Diet Coke and maybe a food on my way to work or home from an event. Do this often enough, and they start recognizing you. Do it more, and they start commenting on the things about you that are different that day. I drove Ed to work today (long story) and stopped in for a delicious Diet Coke, only to be complimented on my hat (it’s a great hat) and asked not once but twice where my scooter was. I hadn’t realized I was recognizable – I wear a full face helmet and usually have a bra on – but there I was, explaining why I wasn’t on Lola today (twice). I either stand out in a crowd, or more likely, I go to McDonalds too often. I can’t help it. Fountain Diet Coke is delicious.

I was on CBC last night, talking about social media and coupons. I can’t find the clip online to link to, but that’s good because I kind of looked awful – if a camera adds 10 pounds, it appears I had at least 7 cameras trained on me. It was awkward seeing myself on TV, and I kept wondering if my mom would call – she watches the news, and surely she’d notice her only child (and then give me shit for being a) fat and b) indecent; my boobs were hanging out as usual). My name was on the screen and everything! I should call her today and ask. She wouldn’t have had the foggiest idea what I was talking about, but truthfully, I never do anyway.

Tonight is the kick-off party for Northern Voice, and we’re going bowling. It’s a Mad Men themed party, which is giving me a fair share of grief – I don’t watch Mad Men but I do know the era, and I have nothing even remotely close to looking like it’s from the 60s. I do have a hat, though. I can show up just wearing a hat, right? I may have to bail on the idea of dressing for the theme and go in my regular clothing (with a hat) – I am far too frazzled right now to hunt down an appropriate outfit.

I am trying to forget that I am giving a presentation tomorrow, because then I will be terrified for the rest of the day. I’ve been told that all sessions are being filmed, so I’ll link to it later. I was planning on uploading my slides too, so you’ll be able to take a look at how I overcame social anxiety (hint: drugs) and enjoy the fruits of the hilarious photo shoot we had in April.

I must shower! I am unclean!

I have no idea what day it is.

Last night I was at the Opera with Miranda, seeing The Marriage of Figaro. I got to see the dress rehearsal and tweet as the Opera Ninja a few weeks ago, so it was fun to see it in an official capacity and also how the production was ever so slightly different. Figaro is my favourite opera to date – it’s still hilarious that I am able to say that with any air of authority – and seeing it again confirmed this for me.

However, I am not used to opera on Tuesday – it’s sort of a Thursday night thing for me, so today feels like Friday. Compounding matters is my missing Monday, making today my Tuesday – but I also have actual Friday off, so today is my Thursday as well. It feels like every day except Wednesday. Did everything just taste purple for a second?

It came to light last night that I, a denizen of the internet for these last 18 years and one who surely ought to know better, do not have a “Contact Me” page or section anywhere on my website. I mentioned this to Miranda, who was incredulous at my oversight – how can I not have a contact page? I don’t even have my email address listed anywhere! It’s not my fault, though – I often assume everyone is inside my head with me, and in here it’s, like, totally obvious that my email address is kimli at this domain dot com – but she laughed at me for quite a while anyway. And this morning when I told Ed about our conversation, HE laughed at me as well. So .. I’ll make a contact page. Then everyone will be able to contact me all over the place, at any time. Maybe marketing companies will invite me to diaper launches!

I am currently enjoying a big heaping plate of schadenfreude, and these sour grapes are *delicious*.

Last week I received a random Twitter message from the golden fleece of the blogging world: a marketing company.

Marketing companies often seek out influential bloggers and offer them goods or invitations to parties in exchange for some word-of-mouth love. Some bloggers make a living out of this; “reviewing” (in quotes because they never seem to say anything bad) products and sharing their thoughts with an audience who hang off their every word. I do have an audience who may or may not do the aforementioned hanging, but I try to keep my corporate whoring to a minimum – my readers are here to read about the inner workings of my lady garden, not what I think about the new Cascade Gel Packs with Scrubbing Bubbles. I want to entertain, not sell stuff for others.

I can definitely see the allure of getting free things, though – who doesn’t like free stuff? And if all you want in exchange is a little piece of my soul, what’s the harm? I have a lot of soul to give! Send me all the free stuff you’ve got! I don’t care what it is as long as it’s free! Cat fights and pissing matches have been started online and at certain conferences; people jostling each other to get their share of whatever item is being offered. It’s gotten so lucrative for some that the government wants bloggers to start declaring the items they get for free as income – we’re not just talking shampoo samples here; people are getting electronics and vehicles and trips in exchange for their positive feedback. It’s big business, and everyone wants a piece.

Still, I was a little giddy when I got the message on Twitter because it meant that I had Been Noticed: someone thought I was influential enough to want my opinion. Finally! After over 9 years of blogging, someone thinks I might be able to sway public opinion! I made it, Ma! Are you proud of me now? I’m finally an e-somebody!

The email I received was very complimentary – the company is having a small, exclusive dinner event for a select group of bloggers. They really like my blog, and would love to have me attend if I am interested.

Am I interested? Hell yes! I like events *and* dinner, and the two of them together can only be a good time! Plus, they really like my blog – how can I say no when they’re showering me with such lovely words?

Then I read on: the event is for 25 influential female bloggers (heee!) in the Vancouver area (check!) who eat Maple Leaf products (did someone say BACON?!) and have at least one child (wait a second ..), for an opportunity to learn about Maple Leaf’s commitment to food safety and to ask questions to executives and experts.

I am upset about this on two levels, and I can’t decide which one gets more of my righteous ire:

It’s more than a little insulting to get email inviting you to events because “we love your blog and want you to take part”, only to see that they’re looking for “local female bloggers with at least one child”. Not only had I JUST RANTED about the whole “mommy blogger” crap and how much I think it sucks ass (okay I didn’t say it in those words but it was definitely between the lines), but I was wearing my Team No Babies hoodie the very day I got the email. Anyone who actually READS my blog knows that I am not just the founder and president of Team No Babies, I’m Patient fucking Zero. I have no kids. I don’t want kids. I don’t like kids. I’m not too crazy about mommy bloggers, either. In fact, the only thing that could have made the invite more inappropriate was if I were a vegetarian. It makes me grumpy when I’m told “we love your blog” by people who clearly have NO IDEA who I am or what I stand for, meaning they’ve likely never read my site and are casting blindly about Twitter for anyone who looks the part.

And why are only mothers fit to tell the world about meat, anyway? I’d be hard pressed to claim that none of my readers would ever care about meat or food safety – maybe my thoughts on the topic would have reached a whole segment of the public that you’re ignoring in your quest to get all the mommy bloggers on your side. I know plenty of people who aren’t women and/or don’t have children who eat Maple Leaf products, know about the Listeriosis outbreak, and would be interested to hear what steps the company is taking to ensure it doesn’t happen again. I have valid opinions on meat, and whether I did or did not push a bowling ball out of my uterus should have no bearing on my ability to write about them.

I replied to the email saying I would love to attend except that I don’t have any children; do I still qualify? I didn’t get a response, and that same marketing company has been all over Twitter this morning looking for other bloggers to invite so I will take that as a no. Too bad; I would have done a bang-up job of sharing my findings if only they weren’t so narrow minded and obsessed with mommies.

Men and child-free meat eaters, take note: your opinions don’t count and companies aren’t interested in what you have to say.

Taking today as a vacation day was the best idea I’ve ever had – my weekend was jam-packed full of crazy, and I wisely figured I would need today to recover. Sometimes I am very smart! The rest of the time, though, I embarrass myself in public. Part-time genius is a difficult burden to bear.

I was amazingly productive on Friday, just as I had scheduled myself to be. After my haircut, I checked out the Moulé Sample Sale and picked up some cute hats for my several heads. I went home and did, filed, and paid my taxes; did several loads of laundry; dealt with my Northern Voice Mystery Surprise; packed up everything I needed for Got Craft; made more jewellery for good measure; and put together my outfit for the wedding. It was nice to be able to check things off my To Do list in mass quantities.

Saturday morning I arose and dressed – it was time to decorate a boat. Miranda and recruited Shan and I to help decorate the boat for Tanya’s wedding that evening, and we were happy to help. It didn’t take long and it turned out to be a gorgeous day; one we were happy to spend on the water helping friends. We were done by 1:30, so we went by the sample sale again so Shan could check it out and also buy a hat, then separated to dress for the wedding.

Tanya and Barry’s wedding was beautiful. The ceremony was short and sweet, and after the couple we wed we sailed out into False Creek for a perfect Vancouver evening. I was happy to have been invited to see them exchange vows, and getting to spend a night on a boat was just icing – so much fun! It seemed like all my favourite people were wedding guests as well, so I got to see two wonderful people get married and spend an evening with all my friends. I wish Tanya and Barry all the happiness in the world, and remind Tanya that Vancouver will welcome them back with open arms when she realizes that Calgary just doesn’t compare. :D

After we took down all the decorations, it was time to go home – I had to be up ridiculously early to go to Got Craft. Miranda and I set up our tables, and began peddling our wares. It was a profitable day, but even more important than that, it was fun – my new Smutton display worked perfectly and people *loved* them. I sold some jewellery in addition to my porn, many of our friends came by for hellos, and despite the fact that Miranda and I were both exhausted to the point of drooling, we had an excellent Sunday.

I was especially delighted when I had a repeat customer! A gentleman I remembered from the Museum of Vancouver DIY night (in part because of his extreme enthusiasm for the Smuttons) came by Got Craft and bought some more, because his boss was apparently put out that she received the smallest penis in the lot he bought in April. Luckily for her, I had some new excellent penises in varying states of arousal so there were many dicks for him to sort through. He found some great ones, we shared a laugh, and then – and I had to ask Miranda if this actually happened – he asked me out.

I am quite possibly the dumbest person in the world when it comes to being picked up or hit on or whatever it is – you basically need to be naked and holding a sign that says “Kimli, I am certain you would find it mutually beneficial if we were to discuss the current state of world affairs over a cup of coffee, by which I mean my crotch” with an arrow pointing to your groin before I MIGHT clue in that you were at all interested in me (and I would still likely not get it). When Andrew asked if I wanted to do something after Got Craft, I replied in all honesty that I was exhausted from yesterday’s wedding and had big plans to spend that evening unconscious and recovering, but here is my card and send me an email, we’ll talk.

After he left, I turned to Miranda (who was totally amused by all of this) and asked her haltingly “was I just hit on?”. She confirmed that yes, I had just been asked out – and instead of telling him I was married, I agreed to do something with him later when I wasn’t so tired.

Oops.

This turned into an afternoon of hilarity – not at Andrew, because he is cool but rather at me and my ridiculous headspace that doesn’t have a filter for these sorts of situations. She tweeted my predicament to Twitter, which prompted Ed to ask if I had remembered that I was married this time (.. this has happened before ..), which I clearly did not. Then I made things worse, because Miranda wondered if he had come to Got Craft specifically to see me and ask me out – which immediately made me feel bad and think I should go out with him anyway because I wouldn’t want him to have wasted his time. My tendency to feel bad for things I have no control over often gets the best of me, and I end up in sticky situations this way – I’m pretty sure this is how I ended up married – but really, I’m just trying to be *polite*. There’s nothing wrong with that, right? Besides, I would totally have gone out with him if I wasn’t married. And who knows, maybe he just wanted to be friends and I am being presumptuous, thinking that someone would find me attractive in any way.

Being alternately scolded and laughed at by both Shan and Miranda aside, I also found the perfect Delicious Juice Dot Com mascots at Got Craft:

happy oranges!

I saw them and knew I had to have them. So cute! You can even buy plush breakfast through their Etsy store – I’m very partial to the toast, should someone want to buy me a food – and they have a fun website, too. Hooray for crafty people! Hooray for anthropomorphic food!

ENOUGH PROCRASTINATING. I even update my About Me page this morning in an attempt to weasel out of finishing my NV presentation, but now it is Go Time – I have slides to prepare, a bottle of Diet Coke beside me, and no pants. I can do this. Let’s go.

I had an incredible weekend – I am beside myself with exhaustion and good times – but right now I am TOO OUTRAGED TO WRITE ABOUT IT:

eh?

Okay, that’s not so bad if a little ballsy – “wondering how you got my name”? It’s cute if their world is so small that people never have the same name as anyone else, but maybe they’re new to the internet. After all, I was the only Kimli I knew for the longest time too.

Then this happened:

it is now the aforementioned on

I have to admit, my reply to the two of them wasn’t the most tactful I’ve ever been:

as a matter of fact i AM all that

To be fair, I just woke up and I thought the snooty one was this Kimli. Still, my reply was kind of (really) bitchy. I think my name is going to my head – it’s such an awesome name, after all – but I was just sort of taken aback by the whole “how did you get MY name” “yeah she always takes the username first” exchange. I mean .. it’s my name too. I have a right to it, and I’ve been on the internet forever. I long stopped using my gaming name as my online footprint, and I don’t want to make another identity for myself – this is who I am. It’s my name. Of course I’m going to use it.

Besides, it’s not my fault you jump on bandwagons 3 years after the rest of the internet.

Sorry, sorry. Still tired.

.. and sometimes it’s just plain fun to be bitchy.

yep.

i do i do!

Come see Miranda and I at Got Craft and get yourself some Smuttons! Most proceeds will go towards paying off my traffic violation for being too awesome to handle. Hope to see you there!

I don’t know why, but I had the *filthiest* dreams last night. They all took place in Victoria, and involved uncut deep throat sword fighting in a parking lot and furious sex with casual crushes. It was pretty fun, from what I remember. Sex with no strings attached is significantly better than my standard of many strings with no sex at all, parking lot or otherwise.

I got a brow wax at noon, and I have a haircut scheduled for later this afternoon. I need to look good for my plans this evening: laundry and taxes. I OWE taxes for the first time ever, so I’m subtly thumbing my nose at the government by waiting until the last possible minute to file. Take that! Yeah, you fear my power.

The Hour is coming to Vancouver, and that means George will be here. George is everyone’s boyfriend (funny aside: I was planning on calling him that because EVERYONE I know has a crush on him, only to find that he’s actually listed as “Canada’s Boyfriend” on his CBC bio), and the locals have been abuzz with anticipation and wet dreams. I entered the lottery for tickets yesterday, and today found out that I got the four tickets I had requested. On May 18th, Shan, Miranda, Renee and I will be in the audience for the first of two shows taping in Vancouver. Hooray! George is super and dreamy!

Tomorrow I am planning on wearing polka dots with pinstripes. Sorry.

i am nothing but wrinkles and eyeliner