I’ve been sitting on this – not literally; that would be sticky – for a couple of days now, waiting to get a picture. I still haven’t managed to get one – something about always being on two wheels and in traffic when I see them – but more and more of them are going up, and I want to strike while load is hot.

The fourth Shrek movie is out in theatres sometime soon, and McDonald’s has the licensing tie-in. They’re bringing out toys and collectable glasses and Shrek-themed food, like McNuggets and McFlurries. This is all fine and good – it’s popular with kids; let’s make some money – but I really, really have to question the executive who approved the marketing plan:

Giant billboards all over town with Shrek’s smirking face, a close-up of a chunky green and white Mint Aero McFlurry, and the text “Mint Ogre-Load”

Really?

NO ONE thought this might be misconstrued as something far less innocent than intended? I know I have a mind so contaminated with filth that I very well ought to come with a warning sign in case there are any sensitive mind-readers in the area, but STILL. I’m torn between amusement and quease – don’t think about Shrek facials too hard, especially this early in the morning. It’s just not good for the stomach.

And with that off my chest, the rest of my day can only be full of awesome.

I woke up with a really bad headache, and bitchy email at work isn’t helping. I’m definitely operating in a fog, which may or may not explain the things I saw on my way to work this morning: a man in a surgical mask hopping around like a kangaroo or an extremely fey T-Rex, and a man riding solo on a tandem bicycle singing protest songs in a fine piercing tenor.

Seriously, did anyone else see these things?

Did I pull a Josh and mistake a sleeping pill for a vitamin?

Shit.

these may or may not be real

I know the video from my presentation will be online eventually, but I really want to share the message now instead of later because patience is not my strong point. The slides have been posted, but without my notes so there isn’t much meat to them. Also, I’m better in text than I am in person. If it helps, you can read this in a slightly shaky voice and picture me trying not to wet myself while I talk too quickly. Feel free to skip this post if you’re tired of hearing about Northern Voice – I have to admit I’m getting there myself (I’m ready to move on to the next terrifying chapter), so I want to write this all down while I’m still energized and stuff.

ironically, shan is not afraid of you

At it’s very worst, my social anxiety was about an 8 out of 10. I could be convinced to leave the house, but it would take a long time to do so and I had to have someone glued to my side and/or standing in front of me in a corner, blocking me from terrifying eye contact with other people. It sucked ass – I hated having no friends, but was in no condition to meet new people. I was as emo as all get out and it didn’t feel like I’d ever get to have any fun.

My refusal to leave the house and be social led me to miss out on a great many things. Among the fun times I’ve missed out on are two Northern Voices, two Twestivals, every single tweetup, every single Sin City, concerts, and friendships. The last one is particularly scary, because Miranda is one of my best friends – yet she was about to give up on me altogether, because I kept bailing on her invitations to do things. It’s not that I didn’t WANT to; I was just too scared to. I’ve had so many adventures in the last three years with or because of Miranda that the thought of almost missing all that really freaked me out.

The quote in the slide above is from the song “Lonely Planet” by The The, and it speaks to the idea of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. You can’t make all people collectively less scary, so instead look at yourself – WHY are you feeling the anxiety? CBT is based on the idea that our thoughts cause our feelings and behaviours, rather than external things like people, situations or events. If we can change the way we think, we can change what we feel – even if the situation itself does not change.

What’s the deal with the pants? They’re my crutch; my main excuse – I would never go outside because it was a HASSLE to get dressed and ready to go outside and interact with others. Why bother putting on pants when I can just stay home and be naked and comfortable? It took me a very long time to realize that I wasn’t just being a lazy naked slob but rather I had major issues with meeting new people, and not wanting to wear pants was just a convenient and hilarious way to get out of doing things.

mug not included

So, now what? We’ve established that there’s some social anxiety at work here, but you still want to get outside, meet some new people, and maybe make some friends. “Social Media” is the new pet buzz word of the moment, but it’s actually an extremely useful way to connect with people in your community. Don’t worry about the “media” part – interviews and speeches will come later – just focus on being social and coming out of your shell.

Vancouver and Twitter are BFFs. Vancouver has a thriving scene on Twitter, and it’s chockfull of other people who like the same things you do. Think of something you enjoy – anything, legal or not – and chances are there’s a bunch of people on Twitter doing that very thing and talking all about it. Connect with these people. Look up Vancouver locals. Use Twitter lists. Talk with these people on Twitter first, then extend the socializing to Facebook if you want. Twitter is great for meeting people; Facebook is more to connect with people you’re already familiar with.

baby baby baby baby baby baby babybabybaby

There are a lot of people on Twitter – how can you possibly make yourself heard over all that noise? Three words: FIND YOUR VOICE. Stand out in a crowd. Don’t disguise who you are. You have a voice, an opinion – use it. Don’t worry about others, or trying to be someone else – we already have one of that guy and that girl already; we need one of YOU. BE YOURSELF, for crying out loud. Let people meet the real you, even if just over Twitter, rather than some false face.

I have a rule for reciprocal following on Twitter: if your timeline looks interesting, I will follow you back. What’s interesting? ACTUAL CONTENT. No page after page of RTs, no spam links or offers to sell me something. Follow the blogging rules: no one cares what you had for lunch. Conversations with others? Golden. Witty or passable interesting tweets? Fantastic. If you look human, aren’t some kind of killer sales robot, and tweet with some regularity, I will more than likely follow you back. Bonus points (not really, there are no points) are given to people who use their Bio properly – tell the world a little about yourself. Where are you? What are you into? I’m almost guaranteed to follow someone back if they’re in the same city or area I am, and if their website or interests catch my eye, all the better – I’ll try to engage that person about something that piqued my interest.

Twitter lists are a great place to start when you’re looking for new people to check out. Start locally, then work your way outward. Find people who share common ground with you; who have the same hobbies or interests. There are dozens of lists filled with Vancouver people who are active on Twitter; check them out.

Then what? Say hello, that’s what. Engage others. Don’t be afraid to say hi. I can’t guarantee that everyone will always reply to your greeting, but some will – and those are the ones to start with. I know firsthand how difficult and “cliquey” Vancouver’s SM scene (not to be confused with Vancouver’s S&M scene) can be, but not everyone is like that. Sometimes it takes a little digging to find the good eggs, but they’re out there – I promise.

The most important thing I think I can tell you about Twitter is that it is NOT instant messaging! Private conversations should be in DM, and anything that isn’t is free for jumping in. If you see a conversation that interests you and you want to say something, go for it. Opinions, thoughts, jokes, observations – these are all awesome things. Don’t let chatter between two or three people scare you away; join the conversation. If you can see it, it’s not private. Jump in!

i choo-choo-choose you

When it comes time to actually go outside and mingle with the terrifying others, start small. The Vancouver Twestival, as great as it is, is the perfect example of an event NOT to attend if you suffer from Social Anxiety or are not good in crowds. Instead, look for events or workshops that aren’t focused on 1-on-1 interaction; something in which you will not be the focus of attention. The Forensic Workshops put on by the Vancouver Police Museum are perfect, because they’re small, intimate, and no one is paying attention to you. There’s no time to stare at others when you’ve got a coconut full of fake blood to bash in with a hammer – people won’t be looking at YOU, they’ll be mentally planning the perfect murder. Mighty Ugly workshops are another perfect thing – you’ll get to meet people, but the focus will be on creating ugly things and not gluing your fingers together. Find events or meets that interest you, but have some sort of activity or thing to watch. Bring a friend, if you’re not comfortable going alone – but GO.

Remember: no one out there is cooler or more important than anyone else. Contrary to popular belief, you ARE a special little snowflake – just one who is no better and no worse than anyone else. We’re all the same, and you should never be afraid to approach someone in the local SM scene because “they’re so famous!” – that’s utter bullshit. We’re all the same, and no one is better than anyone.

(Funny story – the text “drink a lot of alcohol beforehand” is stricken out on the slide, but when projected onto the huge screen, the line through didn’t show up – so a good part of my presentation is me telling people that “get drunk first” was supposed to be tongue in cheek and to NOT drink before going out because it sooooo won’t help you in any way.)

dave would like to be your friend

It’s okay to be a little crazy – we all have issues. However, you need to learn that there’s a time and place to announce those issues to the world, and that time and place isn’t during your first face-to-face interaction with someone. Very few people have time for additional drama, and it’s far easier to walk away from someone unloading on you if you’ve got nothing vested in the relationship. I’d do anything for my friends and they know that, but if I just met you, I don’t want to hear your problems or have you cry on my shoulder. It’s just awkward. Once we’re friends, absolutely – I’m here for you. If we’re barely acquaintances, I don’t need to hear about that weird sore you found down there or how you’re deathly afraid of sandwiches. You don’t have to hide who you are – but using a little discretion at first is a very, very good thing.

.. I think I told a rambling story about milk, Ed, and Derek at this point here.

might as well jump (jump!)

A funny thing about making friends – the more friends I made, the easier it got. I routinely refer to my friends as my safety net (aka “human security blanket”), and I know I can count on them to hold me up if I’m having a particularly bad day. The more people I can count on, the easier going outside gets because there’ll be a whole host of people I can hang out with if I don’t feel up to socializing with strangers.

Growing up in Victoria, it was inevitable that I would know some people in Vancouver before I moved here from Calgary – old friends plus people who read my blog. However, even with that foot in the door I found it agonizingly difficult to make friends. The people I hoped or assumed I would be friends with are out there, but the people I can count on are all people I met after I had arrived. It took some time – nothing worth having will occur overnight – but if you can make even one solid connection with someone, it could branch out into meeting  dozens of others. Some of my favourite people are ones I met through friends of friends, meaning I’d never have met them at all if I hadn’t connected with the right people at some point in the past. Having a safety net is invaluable when you suffer from social anxiety, because these people won’t judge me if I want to run away and hide in a corner or strip off all my clothes and dance on the table (which hasn’t happened yet, but it might).

wheeeeeeeeee!

.. I had nothing to say here; I just wanted to use this picture.

a perfectly cromulent word

My presentation can really be boiled down to two main points: there are some awesome people out there, and don’t be an asshole (more on this was said during the presentation; I can’t remember how it came up). It’s scary and terrifying to come out of the warmth and comfort of your shell, but it can be SO REWARDING if you do – there’s so much in this city to experience; so many wonderful people to get to know. Take a deep breath and promise yourself you’ll try – you’ve already come this far; just go a little further and see what happens. You deserve awesome, incredible good times and those are unlikely to happen in your living room (but if they do, please invite me). Say yes to everything – within reason, if you’re the cautious type. Try new things – the opera, volunteering, a museum, crafting. Get outside your comfort zone and have some fun. There’s so much out there just waiting for you to find it, and you deserve ridiculous happiness – so go get it.

hobo rainbow!

There IS one surefire, fail-proof way to make friends – if all else fails, give people presents! (swag bags were handed out here)

love you guys

.. thanks!

—

That’s a lot of words. Even though the Twitterverse sort of exploded yesterday and everything sucked and people were being mean to one another, I stand by what I said – Vancouver is filled with beautiful, amazing people and everyone deserves awesome.

EVERYONE.

Okay?

Good.

So, go get some awesome. Here’s a good place to start, or this, or this. Summer is coming; soon; there’ll be more fun things to do. Come to the beach and blow bubbles with me for my birthday. Be a zombie or a zombie hunter or a zombie DANCER. Go taste some wine, or smell a morgue. Miss 604 constantly lists Vancouver events and going-ons. See some shoes! GO HAVE SOME FUN! DO IT! DO IT NOW!

.. I’m pretty sure I didn’t yell that much during the actual presentation, but I haven’t seen the video yet – there’s a chance I went all Tony Robbins on everyone. If I did, sorry ‘bout that. I was nervous, is all.

Next year, I wanna be on the sex panel.

“Look at the size of those ice cubes!”

“They’re not ice cubes, they’re glaciers. If you look closely, they’re moving very slowly.”

“.. and shrinking, because of global warming?”

“Yes, and it makes Indians cry by the side of the road.”

“No, the Indian cries because of litter. Global warming makes Al Gore cry.”

“Oh, right.”

Man, babies are weird.

Um.

So, how about that local sports team?

Er.

What’s the deal with airplane food?

Oh.

Can you believe there’s no flash on the iPhone?

Fuck it – here’s a picture:

i can haz new toy - a zumi digital tiny cam

Okay, now that I’ve said my piece about last night’s hilarious but unfortunate verbal battle, I can focus my attention on the OTHER Twitter kafuffle: the hot button topic of children at Northern Voice.

Contrary to what most people think, I don’t hate children. In fact, I was on the side of most of the parents contributing to last night’s debate – but it’s such an emotional topic for some that they’re blind to what’s actually being said and instead focus on preconceived notions like I’m a baby eating child hater who thinks all parents should be shunned and/or kept locked in a room with their spawn so the rest of us don’t have to deal with them.

Northern Voice has always been listed as a “child-friendly” event, with a room set aside for parents to set up some sort of day care system if they wish. The last three words are the important ones: it’s up to the parents to arrange something; not the Northern Voice organizers. They’ll provide the space; YOU work out the childcare yourself. As far as I know, that’s the way it’s always been – but this year, no one arranged anything. People brought their children, and there was nowhere to put them. Babies made noise, people were unable to hear speeches, and all of a sudden it’s a big war between the snotty douchebag child haters against the self-righteous entitled breeders.

Can’t we all just get along?

I am NOT against children being at Northern Voice. I do not, however, think that the panels or sessions are an appropriate place for your child, no matter how angelic and smart they are. Just like parents are entitled to attend any event they want; the childfree are also entitled to a space free from distractions. Why would you want to subject your child to Northern Voice sessions, anyway? Face it – grown ups are boring and a lot of the talks are completely inappropriate for kids.

Children don’t come with an off/on switch. How can anyone guarantee that their kid will be completely silent the entire time when someone is presenting? You can’t, and because you can’t, the sessions are not the place for kids. Everyone – childful and childfree alike – paid a great deal of money to attend, and everyone deserves to get the full experience from Northern Voice. You can’t tell me that your time there wouldn’t have been drastically different if you were trying to listen to Tod’s podcast talk while a baby cried 4 rows behind you, or a toddler ran up and down the aisles giggling while Steff was pouring her heart out. It isn’t fair to ANYONE – attendees OR speakers – to have to compete with that kind of fracas going on in the background, and that is why I think kids shouldn’t be allowed in the presentation/keynote rooms.

At the conference itself? Bring ‘em on!

If Northern Voice had child-minding services set up, there’s no reason why all sides can’t be happy. I understand that this has costs associated with it, which opens up a whole other can of worms: who pays for it? It’s not fair to make everyone pay more to cover the few who can’t/won’t find an alternative for their kid(s), but there’s potential for hardship (and non-stop bitching about being penalized for being a parent) if people had to pay extra to cover on-site babysitting. The only two possible answers I see would be to either a) collect and arrange volunteers beforehand to cover shifts of childcare (which could potentially bring about a whole host of insurance or legal issues), or find a sponsor to donate/pay for childcare. These are just two options; there could be more. It doesn’t have to be as difficult as people seem to want to make it.

As an aside, childfree does not equal child hater. Plenty of people who don’t have children like them just fine, and are childfree for reasons they do not owe you to disclose. During last night’s heated debate, it was repeatedly stated that children should not only be allowed at Northern Voice, they should be allowed to contribute to panels – then maybe all the asshole kid hating douchebag hipsters would see that kids aren’t so bad!

Really? REALLY? You honestly think the best way to change our minds about children is to force us to interact with them? Why on EARTH would you subject your child to basically performing for people who don’t care? Because that’s really it – I don’t *care* how special and smart and sociable and talented little Suzie or Johnny is. I’m sure your kids are lovely, but I go to Northern Voice to interact with like-minded bloggers and to meet people. I was astounded at how many times I saw someone say “parents went to the sessions of non-parents; they should have to come to OUR sessions too” – what? Are you serious? One of my favourite things about Northern Voice is the CHOICE offered to people; three or more simultaneous sessions running at the same time so you can attend the things that matter to YOU. I don’t actively look at the schedule and think “Well, I don’t really need to go to Facebook 101, but the only other session at that time is Quantum Physics and Social Media, which is run by a – ugh – parent. Facebook 101 it is!”. Even if I wasn’t the president of Team No Babies, why would I go to a panel entitled: Family Matters: Blogging For Mommies and Daddies? I wouldn’t. Just like I expect most of you won’t make an appearance at my Northern Voice 2011 session, “The Politics of Bukkake: Facials in Gay Porn”. And that’s okay – I won’t be offended. Why are you?

I don’t hate children, okay? Stop villainizing me and assuming everything I say is going to be 100% anti-child. I’m on your side. I think kids should be allowed at Northern Voice. I just don’t think they belong in the sessions – we ALL deserve to get everything we can out of the experience.

And the silence was only broken by the sound of his best friend’s zipper.

Emotions ran high last night on Twitter; higher than I’ve ever seen them. The topic being discussed was an extremely sensitive one, and hash was slung all over the map by all sides. I was not immune to the fray; I threw my own mighty insistent two cents into the ring for several hours straight – but more on that in a another post. There’s something I’d like to address first:

It’s been a really, really long time since anyone has called me a whore.

I finally lost it last night, and snapped – before I was really aware of what I was doing, #0<1>:Dark Angel #169] came out with fists a-swingin’, and I unleashed something  I’ve not let loose for many years: my temper, my way with words, and some devastatingly accurate, barbed observations delivered in a volley of perfect grammar and timing.

When the smoke had cleared, I was a jumble of emotions: 20% annoyed with myself (I shouldn’t have stooped to that level), 45% triumphant (take that!), 5% chagrined (I wish I hadn’t called her a cunt; I love cunts), 30% ready for round two (damn, it feels good to be a gangsta), 20% amused (this is hilarious!), and 100% bad at math. I’m only human, and everyone has their breaking point – last night mine was hit, and the end result was .. all that. I probably lost some e-face, but it felt really good to let loose and say my piece. I was tired of the shit being spread behind my back. If you can say you wouldn’t have done the same, then you are a better person than I.

And in the end, the silence was broken only by the sound of his best friend’s zipper.

I may have created a monster.

Now that NV10 is over, I can finally share some of the pictures from the photo shoot in April:

ten little biebers all in a row

so creepy

I got rid of most of the masks after the shoot – you try keeping a dozen of these things around your house and sleep soundly at night – but I did keep a few, which made an appearance at UBC on Saturday:

he sees you when you're sleeping

is that a bieber in your pocket?

tiny bieber is coming for you

Sweet dreams!

The more or less well-kept secret part of my Northern Voice presentation was the inclusion of swag bags – I didn’t want to let it be known that my talk would include presents for a variety of reasons, but I think we did a pretty good job of keeping it on the down low. I love giving presents to people, so I borrowed Andrea and Rob’s brilliant idea with their blessing and set about finding some swag to give.

I just so happen to know some talented crafters and awesome people, and everyone I approached was totally on board with my idea. I thanked everyone on the last slide, but here’s a list of what was in each of the 30 swag bags handed out on Friday afternoon:

• A beautiful glass magnet made by Heather
• Chocolate from Lotus Events
• Space Invader Soap made by Donna
• Info and lip balm from the LACE Campaign
• A coveted monkey button and card for free embroidery from the Sock Monkey Army
• A DIY pinwheel kit from Spool of Thread
• Breast Cancer Awareness notepad
• Super Mario Galaxy gum from me
• Smuttons
• .. and 10 of the bags also had the very first Mighty Ugly workshop dolls from Kim

I didn’t think to take pictures of any of the swag bags, because I am not that smart. I think they were well received though; I was too busy trying to keep upright to remember to watch the reactions. I’m glad I was able to pull off the “give people presents” idea and work it into my presentation (“here’s a sure-fire way to make friends – give people presents!”), and delighted that people contributed their wares to them – my friends are freakin’ awesome.

Yesterday was one of those rare gems of a day where every moment seemed to top the one that came just before it, ending in a veritable orgy of hilarity that left puddles of helpless laughter pee all over Kim’s floor – sorry about that.

I knew I was in for some excellence when I arrived at UBC for the second day of Northern Voice – I had barely made my way into the atrium when Jen handed me a bag full of porn for my Smuttons. Hooray! This was some seriously quality (by which I mean depraved) stuff, too – did you know that Hustler sold a Canadian version of their magazine? Neither did I! While I had been previously shocked at the quality of porn donated to my cause by Nelson, I was *floored* at what Jen gave me. I grew up reading Penthouse and Playboy, something I’m actually grateful for – I absorbed the words and learned all about sex, but the pictures left everything to my imagination. If I had easy access to this kind of magazine during my formative year (age 8), I’m pretty sure I’d be a celibate virgin living with 50 cats before I’d ever let one – or three – of those pork swords anywhere near my hot beef pit.

I often thought of myself as so worldly and awesome because I found out about sex through my dad’s porn stash at a very early age, but now I am nothing more than relieved and thankful that dad wasn’t into looking at people doing it in every hole; just appreciative of nude women. I’m quickly becoming a porn connoisseur (pornoisseur?); learning to rate the magazine based on the images seen before the table of contents. A naked woman photographed with soft light and a Vaseline-covered lens? Clearly this is a classy magazine produced by someone who loves the female form. Partially clothed woman just about to use her tongue to produce untold delights but never actually making content with anything? This is medium-grade porn; dirty enough so you don’t need to think about what’s being implied but you don’t actually get to see any real action. Naked woman using one hand to goatse her vagina while getting double stuffed from the other end by a football player and a referee both of whom are wearing helmets for some reason? Now you’re into Hustler or Swank territory, and it’s really very gross in here – I wouldn’t recommend removing your shoes.

In retrospect, my first batch of Smuttons were so tame.

Still giggling over Jen’s porn, I danced my way further into the atrium to search out additional friends. There, Kim motioned at me excitedly – she had a present for me! I told her what Jen had just given me, and asked if she thought she’d be able to top the bag full porn. She didn’t say a word, and just handed me this:

bear hug!

having sex? get tested!

i may need to update The Rules

.. the only words that come to mind are “fucking awesome” and “where can I get more of these” (answer: locally; HiM is a Vancouver organization). This is fantastic, and an awesome idea with wonderful, clever marketing. Happy, fun, SAFE sex? Sign me up! Someone gave this to Kim, who immediately thought that I would love it and she was right. I love my friends, and I love that I’m the first thing they think of when they see stuff like this, gay man or not.

All this happened within the first 15 minutes of my arriving at Northern Voice, and I honestly didn’t think the day could get any better – how wrong I was. At lunch, Miranda took pictures of the Smuttons I had done up to give out during the afternoon’s sex panel. She had been telling me for a while that I really needed to get a Smutton page up on my website, because I was directing all these people to Delicious Juice Dot Com but wasn’t offering up any information about them. I told her I would work on a page on Sunday, but this wasn’t fast enough for her – so using a picture she had just taken and with the miracle of wi-fi, she did up a page for me mere seconds before Darren Barefoot brought up my website on the two enormous screens in front of a room full of people – and there was a page all about Smuttons! Miranda attacked with HTML and love, and she is awesome!

This wasn’t the end of yesterday’s fun by a long shot, but I’m several pages down and utterly spent – you’ll have to wait for the video aftermath of last night’s party. It isn’t to be missed – trust me.