Justin Bieber, you are an elusive creature.

I’ll be the first to admit that I am not up on what six-year-old girls find cool, but I do my best to fulfill wishes when they are presented to me. The 6 year old in our adopted family asked for “Justin Bieber anything”, so I spent much of my weekend thinking more about the Biebz than I ever have or hope to again.

I had sort of hoped the task would be easy, as his Biebness is all over the damn place these days. However, since everything in my life right now is an arduous task of insurmountable odds, actually FINDING Bieber stuff was close to impossible. Is Bieber passé now? Is he no longer the cool thing for girls to sigh over? I dragged Ed to two of the most hellacious places to be on a Sunday afternoon two weeks before Christmas – SuperStore and Walmart – and was extremely hard pressed to find ANYTHING with Justin’s floppy lesbian grin staring out at me in a Canadian approximation of swagger. Seriously, the only non-CD item I could find was a pinata. While the thought of giving someone a Justin Bieber pinata is a hilarious one, it’s not something I’d want to give a little girl for Christmas – so I bought what I could: the Christmas CD, a copy of the movie, some other “All About Justin!” DVD, and some stickers. Then, to ease my suffering, I decided the girl also likes princesses. That made things a little easier.

The very request for Bieber stuff is kind of weird – are 6-year-olds really that up on pubescent teen idols? I tried to remember what I was into when I was 6, but everything before 1982 is a blur. I even looked up popular toys from the era, but I don’t remember ever owning any of them so that was no help. This is where I need you, internet – if you have girl who’s 6, what was on her wish list this year? And what about you – what did YOU want when you were six? I am no good at children.

kids like masks, right?

My therapist’s office is having a sale for the holiday season, and they have signs up in all the therapy rooms advertising the special.

The signs say:

“Happy” Holidays from Crazy People Counselling!

That? Is hilarious.

All I want for Christmas is for that to be totally intentional.

.. and a Nintendo 3DS with Mario Kart 7 and Super Mario Land 3D.

HAH!

There is no worse feeling than disappointing someone you genuinely respect. I recommend avoiding it at all costs.

I gave serious thought to only communicating via Depeche Mode songs from here on in, but I ultimately decided against it. I gave serious thought to a lot of things last night, like never leaving the bed again or crawling inside the pizza to sleep or taking up animal husbandry. I was pretty sold on the last one, until I found out animal husbandry is not about marrying sheep to cats or snakes to horses – seriously, why is it called that if it has nothing to do with confetti and tiny tuxedos? It’s misleading, and just rude.

Mostly, though, I spent yesterday crying. It’s an embarrassing tendency I have; getting overly emotional the instant a Serious Conversation happens at me – and yesterday was the End Boss of Serious Conversations.

I could wax a lot of poetry about the why and the how, but the end result was a Serious Conversation with my boss in which she delivered a year’s worth of bad news in one painful meeting.  I won’t be getting a raise or promotion because I don’t deserve one; I seriously offended her with my email expressing my frustrations; when asked for feedback some of my customers claim I’ve said “that’s not my job, but I’ll help you anyway”; I joke inappropriately in the office; I’m too flippant; there’s no future for me in this company .. and I don’t fit in.

Incidentally, if you’d like to know how to completely break me in two, tell me or make it clear to me that I don’t fit in.

I have reverse abandonment issues and I find it excruciatingly difficult to make friends, because I don’t fit in. Anywhere. I’ve never fit in at any of my jobs, or at school, or in social groups. There’s something wrong with me – people shy away from me; keep me at a distance. The few times in my life I’ve had best friends have all ended badly – I didn’t fit in with their lives any more, and they pushed me away. It happened 20 years ago, 8 years ago, and 11 months ago, and it broke me each time. Oh, people tolerate me okay – I have casual friendships at work, but they never go beyond that. I’m too weird, too off-putting, too smelly, too wrong to be anything other than the weirdo in the corner. Too loud, too bright, too much, too unusual. I thought I had finally found a place where I could be myself and be accepted for everything I have to offer, but once again I don’t fit in and the tolerance I thought people had for me is gone, if it ever was there at all.

In all the jobs I’ve had, I’ve always been the outsider. People put up with my quirks because my work is good, but sooner or later someone simply gets too uncomfortable with me and I get pushed out. Sometimes it’s subtle: the workplace becomes increasingly weird and hostile until I’m gasping for air. Most of the time, I’m let go for other reasons: the only person downsized, not given any work, told to go work from home and mysteriously dropped from the website. Nothing has happened here yet – I still have a job – but I’ve been flat out told that due to all the changes in the last few months, I no longer fit in and I’d really be better off somewhere else.

Why does this keep happening?

Why does it always hit me out of nowhere?

Why aren’t I used to it by now?

Why do I keep trying to connect with people, only to have it blow up in my face?

What’s wrong with me?

I was born with the wrong sign
In the wrong house
With the wrong ascendancy
I took the wrong road
That led to the wrong tendencies
I was in the wrong place
At the wrong time
For the wrong reason
And the wrong rhyme
On the wrong day
Of the wrong week
I used the wrong method
With the wrong technique

Wrong
Wrong

There’s something wrong with me chemically
Something wrong with me inherently
The wrong mix
In the wrong genes
I reached the wrong ends
By the wrong means
It was the wrong plan
In the wrong hands
The wrong theory for the wrong man
The wrong eyes
On the wrong prize
The wrong questions with the wrong replies

Wrong

Hey.

As I feared, the defiant good cheer that held me up through the end of last week and over the weekend didn’t stick around, and by Monday I was a puddle of sad sitting in the corner with a black cloud of gloom hanging over my head. I’m sure it would have been really quite funny if I hadn’t been so depressed, but as it was, things just got darker and darker until this morning when I just couldn’t get out of bed. I called in a Mental Health Day, and spent most of the morning hiding in bed with the covers pulled over my head and cats sitting on my bladder. It helped, a little, but obviously isn’t any kind of permanent fix. It’s too bad, really – I am big fan of the quick fix, but it’s looking more and more like I’m going to have to actually WORK to make my brain better.

Still, a little help is better than none. The last couple days have sucked a lot, which was a jarring difference from the glory that was SUNDAY NIGHT CHILI Y’ALL what with the friends and food and laughing and what not. Work has been difficult: I’m feeling more than a little underappreciated, hopeless about my position, angry at the conversations held last week, saddened that the place I enjoyed so much is changing to remove all the good .. all that stuff, and none of it very warm and fuzzy. My body is freaking out on me due to stress, and my entire left side is revolting in both meanings of the word: my face is a disastrous mine field of zits, I broke a tooth and had to have an emergency filling yesterday which left my mouth in several shades of pain all night and today, I think I gave birth to a hippopotamus in my left ovary, and I need a haircut. Not only is my brain at war, it’s found an ally in the left side of my body .. so now I look as awful as I feel, and that just sucks.

There are some shiny spots, though. I’m currently whining to the world at large on my new laptop, Beth II. She arrived yesterday, and while I definitely didn’t tax my creativity when coming up with a name, I like it (my first MacBook was named Beth as well). The laptop itself is glorious – I’ve had it for 24 hours and have already used it more than I did my iPad in the last 6 months. I love it when a plan comes together and delivers me lovely new gadgets to play with!

My tooth feels better, too. I will hang on to that, because it’s better than being sad. And I’m not sad, really, just resigned. Heaving sighs, quiet resolve, all that. I’m sure it’ll pass. Suffering in silence is just so BORING.

I got the results of my criminal record check the other day, and it’s pretty eye-opening:

better step off

It’s nice to see that SOMEONE appreciates my deviant nature.

*yawn*

Here.

Space Miner

Universal
Genre: Mining .. in space
Price: Free (sale price)

I’ve been playing this non-stop since I downloaded it on Thursday. I finished the game last night, then immediately started it again. You start out mining space ore, then quickly move on to taking down a mega corporation and destroying evil robots. It’s like Occupy Wall Street, only more satisfying because a) you get to shoot things and b) you win.

30 Second Life

Universal
Genre: You work, then you die.
Price: Free (sale price)

30 Second Life is a deceptively simple life simulator. Press the WORK buttons as fast as you can (or as slow as you want) to live your entire life in 30 seconds or less. Your work ethic can lead you to success, or a life of crime, or both. There are awesome combos you can unlock based on the path your life takes, and I am determined to unlock the Wil Wheaton combo. Great way to pass the time in short bursts, and it’s always awesome to be a drug lord.

Stop Motion Recorder

Universal
Genre: Movie makin’
Price: Free (sale price)

Make fun little stop motion movies with this easy to use recorder. It’s really fun, and you never know when someone is going to challenge you to make something ridiculous. I like the simplicity of this app, and have used it several times with moderate-to-great success. Plus, free. Free!

Async Corp.

Universal
Genre: Get to work!
Price: $0.99

Very fun little puzzle game with four very different play modes. A lot of the fun comes from the interface, which acts as your inbox on the job. Perform well and receive promotions, which I’m told is when you are raised to a higher level at work and given additional money – seems crazy to me, but apparently people get these things from time to time if you’re not me. Anyway, the game is fun. It’s a buck, but you can wait for a sale if you are cheap or poor.

HELLO GOOD MORNING HOW ARE YOU IT SURE IS A NICE DAY OUT THERE WE SHOULD GO FOR A WALK OR A RUN OR A WALKRUNWALKDANCESKIPCARTWHEEL DO THE HUSTLE DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOTDOOT DOOT DOOT

We had a by-donation breakfast at work this morning to raise funds for our adopted family. My contribution – other than the idea – was to dust off my 20-year-old barista skills: I spent the morning making lattes, cappuccinos, and mochas. You never really forget how to do that stuff, which is good because I had to depend on others to taste test: it’s hard to tell if you’re making drinks right if you don’t actually drink coffee.

I only had one jug to steam milk in, and I had four kinds of milk – so inevitably, I would drink the dregs of one so I could start the next. This lead to me drinking around four lattes before 9:30 – I am fucking wired. My hands are pruny, and I may be twitching. Today is going to be interesting!

I sold my iPad last night, and my old 4 earlier this week. The timing really couldn’t have been better, because my new laptop will be here on Monday. I finally confessed to Ed that I had ordered it – he wasn’t surprised. Still, I’m pleased that everything worked out. I met the lady who wanted to buy the iPad last night at the mall, as she wanted an Apple Genius to give it a look over before she bought it. Whatever; if you’re not a technophile you want to make sure you’re not getting scammed. I didn’t mind because it was convenient for me, so we met up and Apple gave the iPad the thumbs up (practically brand new, he sez). I could have left then, but my instincts took over and I spent another 30 minutes or so giving her a training session on cool things you could do with the iPad and how to use the keyboard case. She left happy, I got to be smart, and all was good. Plus, frozen yogurt and a ridiculous hat with an owl on it. As far as Thursday nights go, it was a good one.

I am bouncing in my seat. It’s a good thing I have an hour of training to deliver; it’ll burn off some of my excess energy.

I am wearing a bright red plaid tie to hide my shame. It’s not really working – I have a lot of shame – but my tie is awesome. I should get more ties and wear them everywhere!

i'm on the hiiiiiighwaaaaay to hell

SOOOOOOOOOMETIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMES

That was me yesterday. I cried! That’s actually a good thing; I haven’t cried for true in ages. It sucked while I was crying, and it sucked afterward (I am not an attractive crier), and afterward I had a really bad headache from forcing all that liquid out my eyeballs. The headache and deep aching sadness lasted until I drifted off to sleep; all hurt and wounded like a kicked puppy.

Then I woke up.

I don’t know if I needed a good cry or if yesterday was just the last straw, but I woke up a different person this morning: I went to bed Sad Weepy Hurt Kimli, and woke up Defiant Shit-Disturbing Kimli. I noticed it in the shower when I realized I wasn’t staring at the tiles and willing myself to go down the drain, and the feeling only intensified as I got dressed. I put on my Brave New World outfit for today – it wasn’t a pussy bow, but a fancy-ass turtleneck – and I was disgusted with myself. I ripped the shirt off and put on the last pussy bow; the one I was saving for tomorrow. It was no better than the turtleneck, so it too came off. Finally, I reached for a different shirt – a NORMAL shirt – and got dressed, put on a necklace (I’d gone without jewellery all week because of the pussy bows), and checked the mirror again. OH HI, ME! I’ve missed you!

So yeah, fuck Pussy Bow Week. Fuck being someone else. Fuck trying to fit in. There is nothing wrong with who I am. The work I do is really, really good. I deserve to be recognized for the work I’ve done this past year and the contributions I make to this company. Okay, maybe I should stop believing people when they make promises to me – it always seems to end badly – but I do not deserve to be looked upon as someone’s pet just because they don’t understand what I do.

The news I received at work yesterday both broke me and strengthened my resolve to be myself. I can dance with the best of them .. but while you’re all waltzing, I’m going to be doing a merry jig to the music inside my head.

yeah, bitches.