I was born with the wrong sign
In the wrong house
With the wrong ascendancy
I took the wrong road
That led to the wrong tendencies
I was in the wrong place
At the wrong time
For the wrong reason
And the wrong rhyme
On the wrong day
Of the wrong week
I used the wrong method
With the wrong technique

Wrong
Wrong

There’s something wrong with me chemically
Something wrong with me inherently
The wrong mix
In the wrong genes
I reached the wrong ends
By the wrong means
It was the wrong plan
In the wrong hands
The wrong theory for the wrong man
The wrong eyes
On the wrong prize
The wrong questions with the wrong replies

Wrong

Hey.

As I feared, the defiant good cheer that held me up through the end of last week and over the weekend didn’t stick around, and by Monday I was a puddle of sad sitting in the corner with a black cloud of gloom hanging over my head. I’m sure it would have been really quite funny if I hadn’t been so depressed, but as it was, things just got darker and darker until this morning when I just couldn’t get out of bed. I called in a Mental Health Day, and spent most of the morning hiding in bed with the covers pulled over my head and cats sitting on my bladder. It helped, a little, but obviously isn’t any kind of permanent fix. It’s too bad, really – I am big fan of the quick fix, but it’s looking more and more like I’m going to have to actually WORK to make my brain better.

Still, a little help is better than none. The last couple days have sucked a lot, which was a jarring difference from the glory that was SUNDAY NIGHT CHILI Y’ALL what with the friends and food and laughing and what not. Work has been difficult: I’m feeling more than a little underappreciated, hopeless about my position, angry at the conversations held last week, saddened that the place I enjoyed so much is changing to remove all the good .. all that stuff, and none of it very warm and fuzzy. My body is freaking out on me due to stress, and my entire left side is revolting in both meanings of the word: my face is a disastrous mine field of zits, I broke a tooth and had to have an emergency filling yesterday which left my mouth in several shades of pain all night and today, I think I gave birth to a hippopotamus in my left ovary, and I need a haircut. Not only is my brain at war, it’s found an ally in the left side of my body .. so now I look as awful as I feel, and that just sucks.

There are some shiny spots, though. I’m currently whining to the world at large on my new laptop, Beth II. She arrived yesterday, and while I definitely didn’t tax my creativity when coming up with a name, I like it (my first MacBook was named Beth as well). The laptop itself is glorious – I’ve had it for 24 hours and have already used it more than I did my iPad in the last 6 months. I love it when a plan comes together and delivers me lovely new gadgets to play with!

My tooth feels better, too. I will hang on to that, because it’s better than being sad. And I’m not sad, really, just resigned. Heaving sighs, quiet resolve, all that. I’m sure it’ll pass. Suffering in silence is just so BORING.

I got the results of my criminal record check the other day, and it’s pretty eye-opening:

better step off

It’s nice to see that SOMEONE appreciates my deviant nature.

*yawn*

Here.

Space Miner

Universal
Genre: Mining .. in space
Price: Free (sale price)

I’ve been playing this non-stop since I downloaded it on Thursday. I finished the game last night, then immediately started it again. You start out mining space ore, then quickly move on to taking down a mega corporation and destroying evil robots. It’s like Occupy Wall Street, only more satisfying because a) you get to shoot things and b) you win.

30 Second Life

Universal
Genre: You work, then you die.
Price: Free (sale price)

30 Second Life is a deceptively simple life simulator. Press the WORK buttons as fast as you can (or as slow as you want) to live your entire life in 30 seconds or less. Your work ethic can lead you to success, or a life of crime, or both. There are awesome combos you can unlock based on the path your life takes, and I am determined to unlock the Wil Wheaton combo. Great way to pass the time in short bursts, and it’s always awesome to be a drug lord.

Stop Motion Recorder

Universal
Genre: Movie makin’
Price: Free (sale price)

Make fun little stop motion movies with this easy to use recorder. It’s really fun, and you never know when someone is going to challenge you to make something ridiculous. I like the simplicity of this app, and have used it several times with moderate-to-great success. Plus, free. Free!

Async Corp.

Universal
Genre: Get to work!
Price: $0.99

Very fun little puzzle game with four very different play modes. A lot of the fun comes from the interface, which acts as your inbox on the job. Perform well and receive promotions, which I’m told is when you are raised to a higher level at work and given additional money – seems crazy to me, but apparently people get these things from time to time if you’re not me. Anyway, the game is fun. It’s a buck, but you can wait for a sale if you are cheap or poor.

HELLO GOOD MORNING HOW ARE YOU IT SURE IS A NICE DAY OUT THERE WE SHOULD GO FOR A WALK OR A RUN OR A WALKRUNWALKDANCESKIPCARTWHEEL DO THE HUSTLE DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOTDOOT DOOT DOOT

We had a by-donation breakfast at work this morning to raise funds for our adopted family. My contribution – other than the idea – was to dust off my 20-year-old barista skills: I spent the morning making lattes, cappuccinos, and mochas. You never really forget how to do that stuff, which is good because I had to depend on others to taste test: it’s hard to tell if you’re making drinks right if you don’t actually drink coffee.

I only had one jug to steam milk in, and I had four kinds of milk – so inevitably, I would drink the dregs of one so I could start the next. This lead to me drinking around four lattes before 9:30 – I am fucking wired. My hands are pruny, and I may be twitching. Today is going to be interesting!

I sold my iPad last night, and my old 4 earlier this week. The timing really couldn’t have been better, because my new laptop will be here on Monday. I finally confessed to Ed that I had ordered it – he wasn’t surprised. Still, I’m pleased that everything worked out. I met the lady who wanted to buy the iPad last night at the mall, as she wanted an Apple Genius to give it a look over before she bought it. Whatever; if you’re not a technophile you want to make sure you’re not getting scammed. I didn’t mind because it was convenient for me, so we met up and Apple gave the iPad the thumbs up (practically brand new, he sez). I could have left then, but my instincts took over and I spent another 30 minutes or so giving her a training session on cool things you could do with the iPad and how to use the keyboard case. She left happy, I got to be smart, and all was good. Plus, frozen yogurt and a ridiculous hat with an owl on it. As far as Thursday nights go, it was a good one.

I am bouncing in my seat. It’s a good thing I have an hour of training to deliver; it’ll burn off some of my excess energy.

I am wearing a bright red plaid tie to hide my shame. It’s not really working – I have a lot of shame – but my tie is awesome. I should get more ties and wear them everywhere!

i'm on the hiiiiiighwaaaaay to hell

SOOOOOOOOOMETIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMES

That was me yesterday. I cried! That’s actually a good thing; I haven’t cried for true in ages. It sucked while I was crying, and it sucked afterward (I am not an attractive crier), and afterward I had a really bad headache from forcing all that liquid out my eyeballs. The headache and deep aching sadness lasted until I drifted off to sleep; all hurt and wounded like a kicked puppy.

Then I woke up.

I don’t know if I needed a good cry or if yesterday was just the last straw, but I woke up a different person this morning: I went to bed Sad Weepy Hurt Kimli, and woke up Defiant Shit-Disturbing Kimli. I noticed it in the shower when I realized I wasn’t staring at the tiles and willing myself to go down the drain, and the feeling only intensified as I got dressed. I put on my Brave New World outfit for today – it wasn’t a pussy bow, but a fancy-ass turtleneck – and I was disgusted with myself. I ripped the shirt off and put on the last pussy bow; the one I was saving for tomorrow. It was no better than the turtleneck, so it too came off. Finally, I reached for a different shirt – a NORMAL shirt – and got dressed, put on a necklace (I’d gone without jewellery all week because of the pussy bows), and checked the mirror again. OH HI, ME! I’ve missed you!

So yeah, fuck Pussy Bow Week. Fuck being someone else. Fuck trying to fit in. There is nothing wrong with who I am. The work I do is really, really good. I deserve to be recognized for the work I’ve done this past year and the contributions I make to this company. Okay, maybe I should stop believing people when they make promises to me – it always seems to end badly – but I do not deserve to be looked upon as someone’s pet just because they don’t understand what I do.

The news I received at work yesterday both broke me and strengthened my resolve to be myself. I can dance with the best of them .. but while you’re all waltzing, I’m going to be doing a merry jig to the music inside my head.

yeah, bitches.

I had an introductory half-hour therapy session last night, and now I’m totally cured. Hooray!

My first official session is next Friday. I’ll likely go to at least one more session this year if not two – it’s not so much that I think I’m SUPER CRAZY but rather that I have money sitting in my Health Spending Account at work that won’t carry over to next year, and there are only so many pairs of glasses I can wear at once.

My decision to go with the therapist I chose has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that it’s next door to delicious frozen yogurt, either.

It was actually quite difficult to find a therapist, but not for the reasons I was expecting. I’m not sure why, but I kind of assumed there would be a test and maybe an essay and a line up where they pick out the cutest of the crazy people to take home to save. Really though, the choice was entirely mine – and made much harder than it needed to be, thanks to my unreasonable list of demands. I went through the entire list of Accredited Counsellors in BC, and rejected a lot of them based on:

• No website
• Ugly website
• Is that Comic Sans? Oh GOD no
• Email addresses ending in yahoo.ca or hotmail.com
• No email addresses at all – I’m not going to CALL you for an appointment; this is the fucking future
• Funny name
• Ugly shirt
• Too much emphasis on babies in your profile
• Location – I’m not going to Surrey; I’ll stay crazy
• Proximity to frozen yogurt

In the end though, I found a few candidates that seemed suitable. I emailed for an appointment, got promptly set up, and here I am all sane and shiny again. At least, I was until a rather disastrous meeting a few minutes ago regarding my unreasonable insistence upon having my contributions to the company I work for acknowledged with actual dollars more fitting to someone of my considerable talents as opposed to a part time dishwasher paid under the table .. but that’s angst for another day.

Vaguely hopefully, but very frustrated. Having to indirectly prove your value just sucks.

i can't wait for this week to be over - i'm running out of pussy bows

Tuesday’s pussy bow is both full of grace and extra ridiculous:

It’s hard to tell in the picture, but the shirt is baby pink with black polka dots. It’s also got a secret – under the bow the buttons are wide open and there are boobs everywhere. Take that, society!

I have my first therapy consultation today. Tonight I will glaze a ham in celebration.

Hey, buy my iPad.

Happy Cyber Monday, everyone! It’s about time there was an international day to celebrate the most awkward of all the erotic arts: cyber sex! Who among us can say they haven’t engaged in a little textual intercourse and rubbed one out while lying to strangers about your physical attributes? Cyber sex is both a rite of passage and coming of age story (no pun intended) all rolled into one, and I for one salute my crusty brethren with a proud and sticky hand. Fap on, brave soldiers, fap on.

It’s Pussy Bow Week ’round these parts, kids. If you don’t know what a Pussy Bow is, I will tell you: it’s a large floppy bow tied at the neck of a blouse or dress. They were popular in the 70s as 1930’s retro and were in vogue earlier this year and last (I am nothing if not behind the times when it comes to fashion). If they sound ridiculous, it’s because they kind of are – all floppy and silly up around your neck, looking like you had leftover material you didn’t want to waste. They’re not anything I’d normally wear: you can’t show off too much cleavage if you’ve got a giant bow wrapped around your neck like you’re the worst present ever – but for some reason, I own multiple items with pussy bows. Items that never get worn because of the no-cleavage thing. I’d be fine with that, but that was then and this is the Brave New World with No Boobs Allowed .. so here I am, Making an Effort:

For this entire work week, I will wear nothing but Pussy Bows. I swear with all the the internet as my witness that for the next five days, no one will see a peep of my juicy melons (unless you are Ed or looking through my windows). I will dress my neck up in a different ridiculous floppy bow every single day and document the results for prosperity and science and also because I spent yesterday cleaning out my drawers and now I’m wearing the stuff I forgot I owned. It’ll be fun and frustrating, which is totally what I need on top of my impending mental breakdown from stress and emergency red text depression.

Today’s pussy bow is red!

every time i typed "pussy bow" it came out as "pussy boy", which is an entirely different thing

We are being good little monkeys and are paying our mortgage on an accelerated bi-weekly plan with the maximum percent of extra allowed. It’s all fine and good, except that I get paid every two weeks and Ed twice a month – so in the months I have an “extra” payday, I don’t really get to enjoy it because there’s an “extra” mortgage payment coming out.

That blows, especially when the extra cheque comes in December – I want to buy presents, not be all responsible and stuff. I find very little joy in being responsible; heaping piles of it in gifting my loved ones – so once a year, I’d like to be able to go “wheeee!” and shop for others with reckless abandon (instead of the rest of the year, when I reckless abandon for myself only). To make this happen, all I’d have to do is change our payment from accelerated bi-weekly to twice monthly – can’t be that difficult, right?

Getting into our mortgage account aside, it’s actually not difficult at all to make that tiny little change. However ..

It’d add another thirty fucking months to our amortization. I don’t pretend to know what the fuck that is, but “amortization” literally means “kill to the death” in Latin .. and having to do it for an extra 30 months just seems like a really bad idea. I thought maybe I’d have to increase our payments a little to make up for the two fewer payments a year, but I can’t DO that because we’re already paying the maximum. Any pleasure I’d get from having two extra non-mortgage-earmarked paydays pales in comparison to the thought of paying the bank for an extra two and half years .. and that sucks. $5000 in spending money < additional $40000 in mortgage paid.

Unless I’m thinking about this all wrong, that is – anyone? Money and numbers are not my thing. I know what the numbers say on paper, but paper assumes I’ll be paying this amount at this rate with this lender for the rest of time and I know that isn’t likely. Leaving everything alone would be the easiest route, but the easiest route is often the least interesting and I am nothing if not petulant and bitchy when I don’t get my way.

Other stupid grown up stuff: I have a consultant with a therapist this coming Tuesday afternoon. I could have gotten in tomorrow, but I’m no so crazy or a danger to myself that I want to skip the Buffy sing along so Tuesday it is. In the meantime, I may turn to HARDCORE DRUGS to force myself to sleep at night – Benedryl will take care of my non-stop allergies AND knock me the fuck out, so it’s win win. My kidneys can take another one for the team; they are strong like bull on account of all that drinking I don’t do.

If you’re poor like me because of goddamn home ownership but want to participate in the Black Friday frenzy like the rest of the world except without having to go outside or trample old people, try these on for size:

Oscura

Universal
Genre: Platform
Price: $0.99 (sale price, 50% off)

I had this app on my Wish List, because the reviews said it was short and I didn’t want to pay full price. It went on sale this week, and I’m really glad I grabbed it – the game is GORGEOUS. Yeah, it’s short, but it’s also really pretty and a lot of fun. I’ve got so many games that it takes more than pigs in hats to hold my attention for any length of time, and this game hit the trifecta of interest: game play, graphics, sound. Worth the buck!

Glowfish

Universal with a separate HD version for $2.99
Genre: Platformish
Price: $0.99 (sale price, 60% off)

Pretty, pretty, pretty. Most of my favourite games involve elevators or zombie removal, but Glowfish is a nice change from all the carnage and demand for inventory control. There’s an HD version of the game available, but I didn’t even notice I was in lowly regular def – they did a really great job of this game. The music is fantastic, the gameplay engaging, and it’s SO DAMN PRETTY!

Chillingham Manor

Universal
Genre: Puzzle
Price: Free! (sale price)

Less pretty, more fun. An interesting puzzle game with a cheesy story line and a guy who desperately wants to be Hershel Layton, Chillingham Manor was a surprise to stumble across. It’s a matching game, but NOT a match-3. It took a round or two to figure out what the fuck, but once I did I was hooked and have already played through it once and started again. If you like puzzle games and guys in top hats, get this app while it’s free.

Hungry Master

Universal
Genre: what the fuck
Price: Free! (possible sale)

This game is weird and Japanese and weird. It made me laugh and restart every time I died (via trampling by marshmallow rhino), and kind of has to be seen to be believed. Special magic explode all indeed. Free, so worth a look and a raised eyebrow.

There. Great deals for you, and you didn’t have to put on pants. You’re welcome.