I received a bunch of really cool books for my birthday, but I carry one of them around with me in case I am in dire need of inspiration.

Wow, that sentence is kind of creepy. It reads like this would be where I start talking about how the bible has totally saved me from a life of sinful sin and stuff. Luckily, this is not the case – Miranda gave me a copy of this book, and it’s got a bunch of really cool things in it. I decided it would be my go-to book when I’ve got nothing in particular to say: I can pick a topic at random and write about that instead of apologizing again for having a boring week. Today is one of those days, so here goes:

This is a Secret Identity (page 30)

Secret Identity Profile
(who would you like to be?)

Name: Esther Alondra Gomez

Place of Birth: Guadalajara, Jalisco

Profession: Third grade teacher

Likes: Dancing, licorice, church potluck dinners, sewing, gardening

Dislikes: Loud people, mosquito bites, El Chupacabra

Location: Zimapan, Hidalgo

Lifestyle Synopsis (daily activities): I wake up each day at 05:30 and after my morning prayers, I prepare a simple meal for myself, my abuela Graciela and my hermana Inez, usually consisting of sweet bread, fruit and horchata. I dress quickly and walk to my school to prepare the classroom and lessons for the day. In the afternoon, I like to go to the market and shop for ingredients for dinner and also admire the bright fabrics on display. I hurry home to escort my abuela to church where we enjoy an evening service before coming home. I will bathe, brush my hair, and turn in for the night while listening to the radio so I can dance in my dreams.

Personal Habits: I like to wear flowers, and I am very bad at remembering names – the children in my class have to use name plates all year around so I do not forget what they are called!

Hobbies: I love to dance, but I spend most of my time sewing. I make my own dresses because clothing in the stores do not have enough flowers for my taste!

Groups and Associations: I am very active in our church, and also belong to a book club with other ladies in my school. We meet once a week to talk about the books we have read.

Social Life: I do not go out “on the town” like my sister, but I have many good friends that I visit with often. We like to talk and sometimes to to the cinema. At church, I volunteer at our weekly potluck dinners. I enjoy spending quiet time at home!

.. apparently, my alter ego is a Mexican spinster school teacher who lives with her grandmother and spends all her time in church. Seriously, there were so many ways I could have played this – a secret agent; a famous musician – but I opted to go with normal. My life is already unusual; I think if I were trying to be someone else I would go for something that no one else would think of. Hiding in a tiny town, working with children, being all pious and junk? I would NEVER BE FOUND.

To be honest, this isn’t the first time “I’ve” been a 3rd grade teacher. When I used to travel for business, I would amuse myself by lying to taxi drivers and hotel people when the inevitable “so, where are you from/what do you do” questions came up. In Cincinnati, I was a teacher named Michelle in town for a conference on primary education. In Toronto, my name was Julie and I was there for a friend’s wedding. It’s fun to lie to strangers!

Finally, the book included a disguise to be used for my new identity:

esther gomez, brought to life!

It’s like looking in a mirror – of LIES.

this was a legitimate reason to tape things to my face

I realize the whole Team Edward/Team Jacob crap didn’t start with Twilight – remember the Team Aniston/Team Jolie wars from the mid 00’s? – but that doesn’t mean that it’s not annoying. It’s far too big to fight now though, so I think instead we should repurpose the phrase to show what side of famous debates we are on. While I admit that I am on both Team Mac *and* Team PC, there are plenty of other Teams recruiting:

• Pro-Choice or Pro-Life? How about Team Abortion and Team Tiny American Flags instead?
• Oh, the sparks will fly when Team Transit and Team Personal Vehicle run into each other (hopefully not literally)!
• Team York or Team Sargent? I just can’t decide!
• Team Chunky or Team Smooth? The fate of the spreadable nut industry hangs in the balance!
• Team iPhone or Team Why Bother? Which one are YOU?
• I’m totally on Team Sodomy, but I can understand the reluctance to wear the shirt – luckily, Team Vanilla doesn’t have to worry about these things
• I’m still undecided about my evening – who offers the better time, Team Home Depot for Shelving and Maybe Dinner at Boston Pizza because it’s Pasta Tuesday, or Team Stay Home and Play Video Games in my Underwear While Eating Frozen Pizza? It’s so hard to choose!

There’s no reason your life can’t be chockfull of excitement and membership – don’t bemoan your indecisive nature; simply look carefully at both sides and join a Team today!

Team Soup has NOTHING on Team Salad, I’ll tell you that much.

Const. Jamie Bartlett of the West Vancouver Police Department, who made among the highest number of arrests for drunk driving last year, knows all too well about losing cases on technicalities.

“The defense can make things difficult, especially for a junior officer. It’s very frustrating,” said Bartlett.

In one case, “This person had done a U-turn on the Lions Gate Bridge to avoid the roadblock, then failed the roadside test, then blew three times the legal limit,” he said. But when it got to court a year later, “I couldn’t come up with the proper wording to explain how I formed my grounds (for believing the driver was impaired). The case got thrown out.”

.. either this happens a lot, or this was the person that Ed and I saw last year that a) almost killed us and b) we ratted out to the check stop police. We were on our way home to North Van and had just come off the Lions Gate Bridge when the minivan in front of us SLAMMED on his brakes as the road block ahead came into view. We swerved at the last possible second to avoid a collision, and watched in utter disgust as the car backed up, crossed several lanes of traffic, and zoomed off in the opposite direction. As soon as we got to the stop we told the cops what we saw, and they were *very* interested – they radio’d the info and sent someone off down the road. Looks like it was all for naught though, as the case got thrown out. And that fucking sucks.

Seriously, FUCK drunk drivers. Your right to get wasted does not trump my right to live – anyone who drinks alcohol and gets behind the wheel of a car is the lowest form of scum. They shouldn’t be allowed rights and due process; it should be a “one strike and you’re out” thing. People are whining because the province has introduced new rules for drinking and driving – it’s a breach of our RIGHTS, it’s not FAIR, I’m a self-righteous ASSHOLE who doesn’t care about anything beyond that awesome booze. FUCK you guys. I’m too disgusted with a society that encourages this kind of behavior (which in my mind is anything less than jail time/loss of vehicle and license/enormous fines upon the first offense) to really be coherent and verbose about it – people who choose to drink and get behind the wheel of a car do not deserve second chances or loopholes or forgiveness. The people they kill certainly didn’t a second chance; why should they?

FUCK drunks.

Today is an excellent mail day – by 10am, I had received not one but four exciting things in the mail:

• A box full of gnomes
• A postcard from Mike in Switzerland, where he had eaten his weight in cheese by day two
• A letter from the parking elves telling me as of July 1st I’ll be paying 35.52% tax on Lola’s parking spot downtown and if you are outraged you ought to Do Something About It by contacting someone else (this was not all that exciting)
• Five new merit badges from my secret secondary source (don’t tell Nerd Merit Badges that I had an affair):
  • Camp Sex
  • Drunk Texting
  • Drinking Alone
  • Attacked by a Squirrel
  • Bacon Appreciation
• Included with the merit badges were a series of TERRIFYING POSTCARDS featuring Urban Beasts in nightmarish poses

I like good mail days. This, plus a 3-day work week, make for a good Monday morning.

coincidentally, all these badges were earned on one epic night

Science is not always successful – try though you might, sometimes Science will fail in a spectacular way. And other times, Science will fail in a depressing, awkward kind of way, and these failures are the WORST OF ALL.

To celebrate astronomy (the partial lunar eclipse) and other people making billions of dollars (Eclipse comes out on Wednesday), a free screening of Twilight’s New Moon was held at UBC on Saturday. The Awkward Twilight Festival (you can’t call it a “Twestival” because that name is used for the annual Twitter Festival and we are far too cool for Twilight) was planned for cities all over North America, but the only two places in Canada receiving this spectacular spectacle were Toronto and Vancouver – both terrible choices, for very different reasons: Toronto was on fire, and Vancouver just doesn’t care.

Stephanie emailed me the gory details early in the week, and it looked as though the Awkward Twilight Festival was going to be a riot of hilarity (caps are not mine okay):

• COME DRESSED AS YOUR FAVOURITE TWILIGHT CHARACTER FOR THE LOOKALIKE CONTEST!
• TWILIGHT TRIVIA!
• WIN EXCLUSIVE THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE PRIZES!
• GET A FAKE TWILIGHT TATTOO BY MAKEUP ARTISTS!
• GET TURNED INTO A VAMPIRE AT THE SPARKLE STATION!
• 9PM THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON FREE SCREENING

I mean, come on. I am only human; how do you expect me to pass up something as awesome as a SPARKLE STATION? You cannot. It is written!

I quickly emailed my most irony-loving friends and plans were made for us to crash the Awkward Twilight Festival on Saturday. It was a chance to look at a subset of society in a scientific setting – the UBC campus – and also it was a gorgeous day, meaning at the very least I would get an excellent scooter ride out of it. We had high hopes for hilarity and sparkles, and thought we could make a jolly evening of it.

Except .. none of us feel good about kicking people when they’re down. It just seems kind of unnecessary, y’know?

There was a distinct lack of people at the Awkward Twilight Festival, so much so that we all actively felt BAD for the organizers instead of our usual smug ironic hipster cool. It was really, really awkward and uncomfortable to see the very few people milling about, each looking as confused as we were – where WAS everyone? Was this a trap? Maybe the free showing of New Moon was no moon at all but a space station – oh god! Alderaan chunks everywhere!

We arrived at 6, but quickly left to get some diabetes via the WORST BUBBLE TEA IN THE WORLD, hoping that more people would show up so we could get our giggle on. An hour later, and there were a few more people in the field but definitely not a lot – maybe 40 people, tops. It was just .. depressing. Whoever planned the event clearly had no idea how to do anything, because there were no signs on campus telling people how to find the correct location (which was a) wrong on the email invite and b) in the middle of three construction zones, behind a bunch of buildings) – we saw people in costume and/or with children in tow looking lost, and only found the place ourselves by accident. It was very poorly done, and it made the four of us feel really bad. We weren’t the only ones, either – an angry lady came up to us as we sat on the grass on our phones, trying to come up with Plan B. She ranted at us about missing people and Twitter and the newspaper, and seemed to want us to use our phones to Tell The World or something. We made polite noises until she went away, then came up with Plans B and C for the rest of our evening – there would be no Twilight-themed hilarity for us; our Science had fizzled and was sad.

We ended up doing Plan C – reconvening at SPARTA to watch Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and Dr. Horrible. It wasn’t awkward and there was no Sparkle Station, but it was a good Saturday night nonetheless. We even had an Edward of our very own! *swoon* *fall over* *fellatio*

Here are some sad photos:

no peoples

this sparkle station makes my eyes rain :(

these security guards also do not know what the fuck

06/25/10, 8:36PM
From: Apple
Subject: We’ll be in touch soon about your iPad

On Friday evening, I convinced Ed it would be a good idea to go outside. I had managed to scrape together *just* enough pennies to get myself an iPad, but I had to go to an actual Apple store and have myself added to The List – these things are in high demand slash not manufactured quickly enough to satisfy the yuppie scum, so it wasn’t like I could just walk into any old store and say yo gimmie. The nice Blue Shirt added me to The List and said it would likely be a week or so before I got The Notice telling me I could join The Club (as soon as I forked over many dollars). I went home empty-handed but resigned that I would have to wait before I was future-cool.

06/26/10, 8:32AM
From: Apple
Subject: Your iPad is waiting the the Apple Store

I mute my phone at night because it goes off with every tweet and email that comes my way. I can’t go without checking my messages every waking second though, so I grabbed my phone in my mostly-asleep daze on my way to the bathroom and checked my email. To my utter astonishment, the iPad I had been told was unavailable less than 12 hours before had forged itself from the very ether of time and space and was ready for owning.

Well, holy shit.

I couldn’t just run out that second to pick it up – for starters, I was nekkid and asleep – but even then I didn’t know if the email was just a cruel mistake or the truth. I bided (bode? bade?) my time, doing mountains of laundry and writing vaguely threatening emails to celebrities that piss me off. In the afternoon though, Shan came by and together we scooted downtown for Science and also to go to the mall. We walked through Holt Renfrew, laughing at the really ugly but for some reason $1400 purses, then made our way to the top floor towards the Apple store.

At least, that was the plan – Shan’s eyes soon glazed over as she spotted a shoe sale, and one hilarious transaction later, she found herself the owner of a pair of sky-high Coach heels tucked safely away in the trademark pink Holt Renfrew “look at me I have lots of money” bag.

To Shan’s credit, she somehow managed to find the one pair of shoes in all of Holt Renfrew that were reasonably priced and very cute. She was in the market for some new work shoes anyway, but that didn’t stop either of us from laughing hysterically at her ridiculous status symbol bag containing her ridiculous haute couture shoes. Then again, I was in no position to say anything – I still had the Apple store to deal with. The crazy bargain she got on her scary shoes had NOTHING on the amount of money I was planning on handing over to Mr. Jobs via one of his elves, and at least her shoes were sexy.

The Apple store did, in fact, have my freshly-minted iPad ready for purchase. I handed over many plastic cards and some magic beans, and walked out (to several glares) with my new toy.

Her name is Alice, for reasons that have nothing to do with Wonderland but much to do with Grace Slick.

So, where’s this bottle full of bub I’ve heard so much about?

.. this may be the only blog post in existence that references Jefferson Airplane and 50 Cent in the same breath.

Having a unique name comes with a rather specialized set of pros and cons. The good far outweighs the bad, but I often find myself in downright ridiculous situations that most people never have to deal with. There’s also the raging sense of ownership that I have, seeing as it’s MY NAME – I made it up, so I practically OWN it – that’s led to more than a few battles between people who have also laid claim to the name (albeit usually for Night Dwarf +3 Lawful Neutral Ranger Orc purposes).

What’s good about having a unique name?

• It’s a great conversation starter
• People tend to remember me
• I made it up so I am very attached to it
• It is exotic sounding so people think I am some sort of tropical princess, especially when I wear flowers in my hair
• I am all over the Googles with my daring tales of adventure and intrigue
• My name anagrams to “lik mi”

It’s a good thing the positives are so positive, because the cons are numerous and confounding:

• No one can spell it
• People want to fight me over it
• Hilarious people call me “Gimli”
• Any sense of Google anonymity I could have hid behind is gone – employers can easily find an e-trail a kilometer wide of all my misdeeds and pantless activities
• I can’t walk into any kind of store selling fun personalized things and pick a “Kimli” keychain or pencil or hat or license plate off the shelf

The last point is a real ass marble for me, because my name is awesome and should be all over everything (but only available to me). Fortunately, the dawn of the internet and Etsy have led me to a bunch of talented people who make pretty things that allow me to tell the world who I am in some very fashionable ways:

reserved for disco tuesdays

i wear this with nylon shorts and rainbow legwarmers at the roller rink

These are the first two I had, and they’re both from the same website (Wow Imports; the stuff comes from Israel). They are fun and pretty (even if I’m not crazy about the chain), but a little understated for my tastes – you know me; “subtle” isn’t something I am intimately familiar with.

Then I found this on Etsy:

well, not THIS exactly, but someone who could MAKE this

Hell. Yes.

If this looks familiar, it’s because I actually bought 8 of these to give to friends. Look for brilliant pink flashiness around the necks of Shan, Miranda, Renee, Gina, Heather, Gillian, Kim and myself – we are the Pink Ladies 2.0, tweeting up in your bidness. I wish I could afford to buy one for every awesome lady I know, but I am a penniless peasant toiling away in a cubicle each day. Feel free to order one for yourself, though – the more people in the Pink Ladies 2.0, the better. Also, you can be a man. The Pink Ladies 2.0 do not discriminate.

You would think that I would be satisfied with three “Kimli” necklaces, but you would be wrong:

for when i am feeling delicate yet still awesome

I’m wearing this one today, and I love it – it’s so small and pretty. My name translates awfully well to things I can wear around my neck, and it amuses me to no end. Each piece is quite different from the others, both in size and style – I have every occasion covered, from important business meeting (giant shiny pink) to a night at the opera (giant shiny pink paired with pearls).

quad damage!

but what’s puzzling you is the
nature of my game

Waking up to The Misfits cover of “Monster Mash” was a surreal start to my morning, and as a result my head is not in the right place.

I hate it when I feel I have to apologize for lack of content – seriously, NO ONE updates as much as I do – but it’s the Canadian in me.

I am waiting for a bunch of things to happen/arrive/be released/be available, and it’s making me anxious.

Here are some funny things from the internets:

now i want a giraffe.

• Comic Sans has finally had enough of being everyone’s bitch
• .. this would have been a link to Newsweek.com with instructions to enter the Konami Code, but it looks like it’s been disabled. Too bad; it was funny
• Live blogging Wimbledon appears to have broken this blogger’s brain (the good stuff is at the bottom)

Yes.

We spent a lot of time in Powell’s when we were in Portland, because it’s pretty much the Happiest Nerd Place on Earth. I could have easily spent hundreds if not thousands of dollars on books in there, but managed to check myself before I wrecked myself (and our credit rating). Part of the reason for my restraint was pseudo-logical (and, as it turns out, faulty) – if I was going to be getting an iPad, I would be drastically cutting back the number of physical books I had in favour of electronic versions, so I should obviously not buy all the books in sight. Of course, it later turns out that I didn’t get an iPad (and 99% of ebooks aren’t available in Canada for some reason) so putting down those books was an exercise in futility and needless restraint. I hate that.

I didn’t walk away empty handed, though. In addition to finding Shan’s birthday gift, I found something just for me:

quick AND easy? hot damn!

If only I could decide which craft to try first!

Will it be:

Soapy Suds, the fuckable bar of soap?

i have to admit, this is one i hadn't thought of

if I had a nickel for every time ..

Fruity-Scoopy, the fuckable pumpkin?

a warm, fleshy, sensual experience .. with a microwaved gourd

Sloppy Sock, the two-in-one fuck puppet slash jizz rag?

someone needed instructions for this? boys have been jerking off in socks since the late proterozoic era

well that's handy!

A Crochet Restrictor?

i'm gonna need kim werker's help with this one

Cell Phone Climax?

...

1. I love my iPhone and I love my vagina, but I do not love my iPhone IN my vagina
2. For what it costs to get a cell phone these days you could buy a DOZEN real vibrators
3. Confession time: I masturbated once with a pager. Remember pagers? Yeah. Even with my land line on redial, it was awkward and stilted.
4. this is such a stupid idea

The Midas Touch?

the LAST thing I need are yosemite sam-like gold prospectors dancing, shooting and hollering about "gold in them there hills!"

The unfortunately named and clearly not vegan Salami Strap-On?

the thought of this is actually making me kind of queasy - deli meat of this nature is usually fragrant and greasy, and even with the delightful texture the thought of fucking anyone with it is .. well, it's gross. and i am not the squeamish type.

I feel a craft night coming on!

Truthfully, as hilarious as the book is, it’s not THAT useful. Most of these ideas I’ve seen or heard before (many on my favourite website, jackinworld.com), and the ideas for women downright lame. I’ve never needed a book to tell me that fruit and vegetables make excellent sex objects if you’re desperate and without shame – I’ve gone through some staggering lengths (no pun intended) to make masturbation more interesting in the past: when you’re horny and feeling adventurous, many otherwise innocuous household items begin to look mighty fuckable. A lot of the recipes aren’t for sex toys as much as they are for sex accessories – I wouldn’t consider a crocheted cock sock or handmade thong a toy; they don’t get you off. Blindfolds and leather paddles are FUN, but not toys in the traditional sense. Of the 50 DIY projects in the book, I’d say MAYBE 18-20 are designed to produce actual orgasms – the rest are either decorative (wrist cuffs, storage boxes) or just plain weird (gold leafing your boobs? A dildo holding tool belt?).

It’s not like I could leave the book behind, though. It combines many of my favourite things into one portable element – books, crafting, orgasms, hilarity – and it’s bringing back fond memories of that time I got the internet to masturbate for me and report back on their findings.

But seriously, who wants a knitted gimp mask for Christmas?