So this happened (ten years ago):

aww!

We got married close enough to our 5th anniversary that we just celebrate the one date now, and add a slash – so today is both our tenth wedding anniversary, and our fifteenth anniversary as a couple. It’s the ten slash fifteen!

To celebrate surviving that long together, we are going to London tomorrow. Yay! Also, Ed did my favourite thing ever and drew me a picture:

:D :D :D

The drawing was on the envelope of the card I almost forgot to read because I was so excited about the picture. I love it when Ed draws me things, because he rarely does it .. but when he does, it’s awesome.

Happy ten slash fifteen, Ed. I love you, n’ junk. Looking forward to many more years of utter ridiculousness with you!

i promise to protect you from the zombie raccoons

People, it’s cool to be into different things. Our differences are what make us each unique: you like blue, I like green, together we are but two tiny drops in the seething, bubbling melting pot of sweaty humanity. It’s a beautiful thing.

However, there has to be a line somewhere.

Think of all the facets of your personality. Now, think about how little time you really have to make a first impression on someone. If you had one shot, one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted, in one moment – would you capture it, or just let it slip? Or would you not listen to any Eminem whatsoever, and simply storm into the situation being the biggest, baddest, bestest you you could possibly be?

Last week a friend had a resume come across his desk, from someone looking for work as a designer. The resume was fairly typical; full of past work experience and job skills and included a link to an online profile full of examples of past design and graphics work.

Oh, and the person was also a card-carrying, squirrel-fucking furry.

Look, I know everyone has their own kinky secrets. I don’t begrudge you what turns you on (with a few obvious exceptions) – inanimate objects, fruit, used panties purchased from the internet, Warren Buffett, being strung up from the ceiling while school cafeteria workers slap you with soup ladles – great. All of it is awesome. Get down with your freaky self!

But .. you know, there’s a time and place for everything. If you’re into wearing peanut butter-smeared rubber suits while strangers pee in your left ear, maybe you shouldn’t shake hands with your peanut butter-smeared rubber-suited hands when you’re asking for a job. Especially when you’re asking for a job.

The would-be designer’s resume included a link to his online portfolio, most of which was dedicated to his own art. His art was all drawings of sexy anthropomorphic animals: wolves, foxes, squirrels, dogs. All of them were female. The “clean” versions featured the sexy animal women in frilly lingerie; links to the uncensored versions were full on nipple and damp crotch shots. Of animals. Human-sized animals, in sexy poses.

I know furries are the butt of the internet, but I don’t really have a problem with them. That being said, COME ON. How many job offers do you think I’d have gotten if I introduced myself saying “Hi, I’m Kimli! Optimus Prime makes my vagina wet with cybernetic longing!” ?

Obviously the answer is “many, because I’m fucking awesome”, but I wouldn’t really blame people if they raised an eyebrow and quickly filed my resume into the garbage (then washed their hands) because regardless of how skilled I may or may not be, it is NOT APPROPRIATE for that particular fact to be the first facet of my personality shown to others in a potentially professional setting. You can tell I’m fucking serious about this, because I fully embrace the whole idea of not appropriate – I am the fucking poster child for unapologetic inappropriate conduct – but everyone has to draw a line somewhere, and it looks my line must be drawn heeah.

I get that you can be into something unusual and be very proud of who you are. Rock on with your bad self, and all that. I just think that maybe it’s a good idea to hone other aspects of yourself to such a degree that you have a side of yourself to present to others regardless of the situation you find yourself in – because no matter how awesome you think your favourite things are, not everyone will understand it. I don’t expect people to get why I’m so into Optimus Prime (I’m not sure I really understand it for myself), so I don’t show up hoping for a job dressed in my fully functional biotic crotch plate and expect people to be cool with my auto-lubing orifices and rear-view cameras. If you’re into people dressed in fur suits and pretending your Other Self is a 6′ Grey Wolf who gets a raging boner at the thought of naked raccoon women on all fours waiting for you to yiff like you’ve never yiffed before, cool. Just .. don’t show me your wolf suit and explain the mechanics of how you keep the fur clean, then ask for a job. Please.

There’s a very good reason my online portfolio does not contain direct links to my video game slash fiction. I didn’t think it was so necessary to spell that reason out for people, but here we are. Where do we go from here, guys? And why doesn’t a sexy anthropomorphic cat lady have 8 large buoyant breasts that defy gravity instead of 2? Seems like a wasted opportunity.

Coming down after my Saturday Night Adventure High was not easy. I crashed and burned pretty hard, and have been holed up in misery over the last few days wallowing in some ironically-timed pre-anniversary relationship crises. While I fully admit that a large portion of the multiple exotic catastrophes can be attributed to my freaking out about the fact that Ed and I have officially entered our fifteenth year of domestic quasi-bliss together; an equal amount of weight must be filed under the sweeping generalization of “men are jerks”. Thankfully, butter chicken more or less heals all wounds, and we’ve been brought back from the brink of divorce (or at least a bloody knife fight) by the timely delivery of naan and paneer. Crisis adverted!

I’m being exceptionally glib, of course, but stuff will get better (or there will be a bloody knife fight). No relationship is perfect, and ours is no exception. Yes, the timing of this latest round is somewhat unfortunate and the irony is absolutely not lost on me, but I suppose it’s a positive sign that we both still care enough to fight at all. So really, this is a good thing. Hooray! Cupcakes for all!

In other news that is nowhere near as personal and awkward, I received an unexpected sorta-raise this week. It was unexpected because I still have 5 weeks left on my probationary period and the thought that I might be qualified to receive anything at all in this round of salary reviews hadn’t remotely crossed my mind, and it’s a sorta-raise because it’s really small. Like, really really small and not at all a performance-based raise but more of a “now you’re in the right salary band” kind of thing. Basically, it pays for the iPhone 5 I should be receiving on Friday so that’s pretty cool – and like I said, it came completely out of nowhere and I am not one to complain when someone says “here, have more money”.

The rest of the week will likely pass by in a blur. Friday is our actual anniversary, which we will celebrate with packing and last minute house cleaning as we leave for London on Saturday. Any posts I make after Saturday will likely be filled with pictures of various London things, so you have that to look forward to instead of additional posts like this late-night post of unusually clipped angst decorated with $3 words and a strange alien lilt.

I’m tired and full of butter chicken, okay.

Tomorrow: kittens!

Right now: an uneasy sleep!

Life is entirely too short to not drive 6 hours to see one of your favourite artists open for a band you’ve never heard of.

I spent most of yesterday morning sitting around the house feeling sorry for myself, but that got thoroughly boring around 1pm. Faced with an entire evening of being sad and lonely, I cast about for some alternatives and discovered that the show I wanted to see in Seattle wasn’t sold out .. so I bought a ticket, got dressed (twice), and went. Left Vancouver around 3pm, arrived just before the doors opened, and was home again by 1:30am: tired but elated, with ringing ears and raging lady boner.

It was totally worth it.

Astronautalis promised to be back in Seattle for another show before the end of the year, and I’ll be going to that one too. I’d welcome company, but I remembered this weekend that I am more than capable of keeping myself entertained and amused (I may be hoarse today from a combination of girlish screaming and also singing at the top of my lungs in the car there and back).

That was an awesome evening. A+++, would make impetuous decisions in the name of Adventure again.

astronautlis at el corazon in seattle 09/15/12

standing at the stage is for good times

i am a ridiculous fan girl

Left the house for Adventure.

Realized I was dressed like a church bake sale.

Came home.

Redressed for Adventure.

Now I’m wearing a fanny pack (for Adventure).

Let’s do this.

Ed is in Toronto (eww) on a business trip, so I am spending my free time doing all the things I don’t do while Ed is around:

• Touched many wieners
• An entire evening of TV with no sports
• Ordered myself dinner from a place Ed doesn’t like
• Painted all my nails in the living room multiple times
• Slept upside down and sideways on the bed

Yeah, I’m a wild animal.

Truthfully, I’m not feeling all that great – I am tired. I have absolutely no reason to be as tired as I am; I’ve been sleeping through the night and mainlining caffeine like there’s a global shortage but still all I want to do is curl up on the beanbag chairs at work and sleep. My big plan for tonight is laundry, packing, and drooling on the couch, because if I’m getting sick I need to get over it immediately: I do not have time for germs.

I was supposed to be doing a whirlwind trip to Seattle tomorrow, to see Astronautalis open for the Flobots. I ordered my tickets online on July 31st; 7 weeks in advance of the show because I am anal retentive and like to plan things out and also Astronautalis is pretty much my favourite artist ever. However, as the show date crept closer and no tickets appeared, I started to worry. A quick Google of the company I purchased the tickets through (Ground Ctrl) showed many, many complaints about them: there are multiple Facebook groups full of people calling them out for lack of delivery and responses to inquiries. I emailed them several times, but didn’t get a response – so I opened a case through Paypal, hoping to get them to respond. I reasoned that they’d HAVE to answer the claim, and in the worst case scenario at least I’d have the case opened with Paypal before the 45-day window closed.

Radio silence.

Finally, last night I complained on Twitter and got a response within minutes. The response wasn’t particularly a good one: because I opened the Paypal claim, they didn’t ship my tickets. Instead of responding to let me know they were on their way, or apologizing and resending the shipment, or even arranging my tickets to be waiting at Will Call .. they did nothing. They haven’t answered the Paypal dispute or any of my emails, and they didn’t send my tickets in retaliation for the claim, and they didn’t bother to tell me any of this until last night, when the show in on Saturday.

Awesome!

So, no concert for me. At this point, I just want my money back – Ground Ctrl is crooked as fuck, and the whole thing has left a bad taste in my mouth. I’m super bummed out, because Astronautalis hasn’t been to Vancouver since October ’10 and this is my only chance to see him on this tour. Sad Kimli is sad, and now has no Saturday night adventure planned. Booooooooo.

Today’s Featured Cats are already parents, but are mere kittens themselves. It’s like Teen Mom*, only with cats and a great deal less trashiness and tabloid fodder.

the neverending kiiiiiiiiiitty!

This is Atreyu. He was cruelly abandoned with his baby momma and their kittens after saving Fantasia and dispelling the Nothing, but is completely unfazed by his ordeal. Just a baby himself at 8 months old, Atreyu is a sweet gentle boy (who is also a brave warrior) who needs a princely home that will love him for all his days.

i am a brave warrior and i ride a horse

Speaking of the baby momma:

baby momma

Meet Leema. She was abandoned along with Atreyu (the baby daddy) and her kittens, which she had at 7 months old. That is far too young to be having kittens, yet Leema – a kitten herself – is a doting mother to her babies. She loves people and other animals, and is a sweet girl who needs a home that will spoil her like the loving kitten she still is.

all i want is loooooove

Both Atreyu and Leema were photographed by Ben Johnson, are currently available through HomeFinders Rescue Association. Please contact them to arrange to meet these adorable cats  and consider giving them a permanent home. It’s a proven fact that cat ownership makes you a better person, so you should hurry up and better yourself already.

*: I’ve never actually seen Teen Mom, but I assume it’s exceptionally trashy. Is it trashy? It looks trashy, and like it might smell of Exclamation and Kraft Dinner (which are both just awful).

Ed is out of town until Sunday. I should adopt some kittens!

My life is a scene from American Pie.

In unrelated news, today I am removing hair from a variety of places in preparation for our trip. I have heard that it is easier to be in Europe with less hair, so I will test this theory with perfectly groomed eyebrows and bangs that aren’t hanging in my eyes obscuring my vision and giving me headaches. Afterward, I shall celebrate my reduced hair by filling the many prescriptions I received from my 30-second doctor yesterday. In addition to my standard refill of the crazy, I also asked for assistance on my ears and face: my ears are apparently impeccably clean but scaly like lizards, so I get to put ear drops in and try to take it like a man instead of the inevitable squealing I foresee in my future. My face shall be dealt with via a medicated cream in which I am to slather upon myself once daily in the hopes that my very, very delayed teenage acne fucks off already. It would be nice to be able to stop referring to myself as “Grievous Ruin” when I look in the mirror.

I wore pants to work today, because I woke up freezing my ass off and figured the day was going to be chilly. I had to ride in today because of the aforementioned hair removal and drug collecting, and I was in such a bad mood* when I got up that I wore some hate pants. Three people have commented on my pants today, which makes me laugh. I am not the only one who notices these things.

*: The bad mood was caused by some formative relationship trauma gushing out in an unexpected manner, and the wholly unanticipated return of the Spine Snipper. SS has made his home under my office window, and he was screaming at nothing all fucking night long. I do not like the Spine Snipper, and I enjoyed it when he was someone else’s problem. Normally I am not very guilty of the raging NIMBY, but in this case he really really needs to be locked away somewhere because he is clearly mentally ill and a danger to himself and others, and maybe not outside my window like a fucking deranged Lloyd Dobler.

like this, only holding an axe and screaming that he’s going to cut your balls off

I was crazy productive on Thursday – had a fantastic day at work, then came home and successfully completed a project. I was mighty proud of myself, but my enthusiasm for getting All the Things done on Thursday led to a Zombie Friday: I was so tired and out of it that I drooled/slept through most of the day (except for a brief period of lucidity in the afternoon in which I got a lot of work done). I tried to nap after work, but there was an Incident with Processed Cheese that turned my Friday evening into an uncomfortable exercise in crankiness with a bad taste in my mouth. In fact, the only high point of Friday evening was my long-overdue wedding to Optimus Prime:

i am ridiculously proud of the boutineers on the wedding party

Saturday was full of random and dinner at the Tacofino Commissary (verdict: I still don’t like their fish tacos, but everything else we had was fantastic) with friends, plus another extended bout of standing at my kitchen counter, sewing up a new skirt.

One of the reasons I’ve never really been a consistent crafter is because I have trouble following rules (which is highly ironic, given my job). I like taking shortcuts, and I love experimenting even though I almost always get disastrous results. I failed miserably as a knitter because I hated following recipes, but I didn’t know enough about knitting to start going off on my own. Also, doing a gauge swatch is for suckers, and I don’t want to have to count things. I just want pretty things to happen out of my own hands like magic. That isn’t so much to ask, is it?

That being said, I’m really enjoying this whole sewing thing. The classes I’ve taken at Spool of Thread have been invaluable, because after I made a bunch of bags earlier this year I started to get cocky and tried to go off on a sewing tangent (with disastrous results). Ever since taking the skirt class a couple weeks ago, things make more sense. I’m cautiously starting to apply logic to my own ideas, and .. it’s not terrible.

The skirt I made on Saturday is not reversible and is therefore only one layer, and took me all of an hour to put together from start to finish – I cut the pattern, sewed it together, pinked the seams, edged it in my beloved bias tape and slapped in an elastic waistband; all while Ed napped. I wanted to make a slightly fuller skirt, so I made some random adjustments while cutting (measuring is for jerks) and accidentally ended up with a really frickin’ cute skirt with a wacky little tulip flip at the knees. The skirt is made out of this dark black and white tiny plaid I picked up at a 70% discount last week, and edged in black. It’s .. very normal looking, actually. So, I fixed it:

turns out i had the button all along

I sewed – painfully, by hand – a bunch of coloured buttons in a cluster on the left side of the skirt for fun and good times. I’m pretty happy with how it all turned out (so look for every project I complete from here on in to be covered in buttons) and it was (with the exception of the button application) incredibly fast to do.

Then, because I needed something to do while sitting around the house with henna on my head for 8 hours today, I made a necklace:

the beads came in a kid’s craft kit to make a bracelet. i thought they deserved a better form.

Now my hands are REALLY sore, but my hair is a glossy dark red and I have fall-coloured things to wear and I am quite pleased with how my rainy Sunday played out. I did put all my sewing stuff away for now, though. I need to start packing for our trip, which is less than two weeks away (eeeeeeeeeeee) and really, I have enough skirts for now: it’s time to tentatively look into sleeves. Plus. the house is clean for the first time in weeks and I’d kind of like to keep it that way (sewing is messy).

Pleased!

After learning that my sewing machine was clearly broken and made of suck, I decided to sleep on it (not literally, that would hurt). The next day I took another crack at it, because I was determined to finish my skirts and I am stubborn like fuck. Sleep must have helped (or I swore the magic amount), because I got the zigzag stitch to work without destroying the world: skirt game on, bitches.

official skirt #2: joker edition

Did you know that Ikea sells fabric? Sure, it’s meant for upholstering furniture .. but you could also WEAR it. On your bum. In skirt form! It’s fun for everyone!

I wanted to trim the skirt in a matching purple, but I couldn’t find the what I needed .. so clearly the only thing to do is go in the complete opposite direction:

why so serious

Green is for all reasons!

Like the first skirt I made, this one is also reversible:

i’m a disco duck

Last week when Heather and I went fabric shopping, I stumbled upon a shiny shiny treasure: METALLIC DENIM ON SALE. I made the other side of the skirt a ridiculous bright silver with a plum trim:

ridiculous makes me happy!

This whole “make my own skirts” thing is going to be a great deal of fun, and just in time: one of the new coops at work dresses odder than I do, and I must destroy her. With shiny fabric, and things made of upholstery. Also, I’m going to make a rainbow skirt out of glitter mesh. Don’t look at me like that – I wasn’t hugged enough as a child, okay?

:D