I managed to catch on my sleep last night, no thanks in part to intentionally pissing off the Big Cat so he would leave me the fuck alone in the middle of the night. I’m glad he loves me and all, even if only when he can’t penetrate Ed’s night time defenses, but two nights in a row of large pointy drooling (so much drool) cat love at 3am makes for an uncooperative and cranky as fuck Kimli the next day. Ed has no sympathy for me, having spent years putting up with Hobble’s nocturnal affection – but I will have my revenge. It will be swift and brutal and probably hilarious.

I am stressed out at work, which is endlessly amusing to me because my job right now is pretty ridiculous: I’ve spent the last 4 hours researching toys and collectibles. Yes, that’s something I do all the damn time anyway, but no matter how much you enjoy something the instant you have to do it in an Official Capacity it becomes an entirely different ball of wax. Everything all up in my head space is all waxy balls and I’m fretting so much more than usual. Should I do this? What about this? We could maybe try this, but will it be enjoyed or seen with a suspicious eye?

When I’m not trying to slip in references to a zombie apocalypse in our employee handbook, I’m working on recognition programs. At the moment I’m trying to come up with an idea for a milestone reward system – do something significant (an anniversary, complete a project, go a whole quarter without removing your pants in the kitchen) and get a thing that will attach to your other things so people can see at a glance what you’ve accomplished. The problem here is the thing – what the hell is it? What are my options?

I asked Google+ and had some ideas of my own, but I’m worried about them simply because I like them. I don’t necessarily want this project to be an extension of my regular life, but I already DO all the awesome things on a regular basis – so am I rejecting ideas because they’re too “me”, or is there some logical merit to my habitual madness?

Idea One: Lego. Rejected for obvious reasons, but it would work almost perfectly – employees would be given a small Lego base and their first milestone figure, and would build from there. Special pieces or minifigures would be awarded with each accomplishment, allowing people to build their own little Shrine of Awesome in their workspaces.

Pros: Small, fun, only communists don’t like Lego.

Cons: I love Lego and am addicted to minifigures; procuring 100+ of the same figure is tricky and potentially expensive as hell.

Idea Two: Merit Badges. Also rejected because it’s a Kimli Thing, this is another logical idea that deserves more thought that I’m giving it. Get a certificate; add merit badges to it when you do stuff. Easy, cost effective, significantly less cheesy than the next idea.

Idea Three: Interlocking figures, like these. I like the “connected people” aspect; dislike the fact they’re basically chew toys for toddlers. Also, they’re kind of ugly. Fear they would be dismissed pretty quickly, because who would want to display these things let alone proudly?

Idea Four: Stacking robots. Cool coz they’re robots, but potentially expensive and only seem to come in four colours. The limited variety is also what makes me naysay Idea Five:

Mr/Mrs Potato Head. Instantly recognizable, but limited variety of parts. Could drive people with OCD tendencies insane if they’re given only one eye with the second being earned at their 15 year anniversary. Potentially cheese factor is high.

Idea Six: The Cubes. Collectible, interlocking, cute. Con: sarcastic office environment vibe; would be difficult to award people for good things when you’re giving them figures with a rap sheet attached for things like “Level 6 Conduct Violation (Suspected Intoxication)” and “04/12/1997 – Level 3 Performance Violation (Software fluency not up to company standards)”.

Idea Seven: Rubber duckies. Everyone loves rubber duckies. Con: might be too silly; difficult to display when all you have are walls.

MY JOB IS HARD.

Help – if you were an employee here, would you be into a fun award system that gave you stuff like this? We’re trying to avoid t-shirts, motivational paperweights, that sort of stuff – we’re going for fun, collectible, pride. I suck at this stuff. HELP!

As an aside, I need this:

i'm at level 6 myself

This part of my job is basically internal communication and branding .. it’s like looking in a blond, plastic mirror!

Okay, back to Google. Also: HELP!

I must have had a good weekend, because I am itchy all over.

Two parties (one make out, one birthday), too many samosas, and several long, long scooter rides: good times.

I’m not intentionally being quiet – actually, I feel really guilty about it – but I don’t seem to have much to say at the moment. I enjoyed my long weekend thoroughly, but there wasn’t any one moment that stood out as “must recap” (with the exception of the bukkake, which is below). My August and September are crammed full of Fun Things, but right now I am sleepwalking without motivation to be entertaining. Sorry about that.

I need to get myself into some ridiculous situations ASAP so I’ve got something to be incredulous about.

Also, more lego. I don’t care if I’m the only one who likes them, I love making lego scenes.

I wish our pop machine was not empty of Diet Coke.

mail from thailand is the happiest mail

This post is likely going to be both inappropriate AND unapologetic (and icky, if you’re at all squeamish about buckets of semen) .. so, you know, act accordingly. If it helps, here is a picture of my cat being bad:

bad, bad cat

OKAY. I am VERY ANGRY ABOUT BUKKAKE. I tweeted this last night to a confused captive audience, who (quite rightly) pointed out that I am officially On Record saying that bukkake is hilarious (it totally is) – so why the 180? I promised I would explain, so here I am.

Last night at the Make Out Party, the topic of Super Gonorrhea came up (as an aside, how proud am I of my granddad – he was the Ultimate Hipster; having contracted Super Gonorrhea way before anyone else had ever heard of it), which naturally led to a conversation about chlamydia. It turns out that there is a shocking spike in chlamydia cases amongst teens – and even worse, a startling number of young girls showing up with chlamydia in the EYE, due to these bukkake parties all teens everywhere are supposedly having.

I am angry for two reasons:

One: I don’t care how many men are depositing their seed on your face in a group setting, Rule Three still applies – jizz does not belong in the eye. Yes, it takes a little more planning to avoid an eyeful of man-juice when you’re getting it from all angles, but there is always a way. Goggles. A blindfold. A helmet. Shutting your damn eyes*. Enacting a “not above the neck” clause. Realizing that penetrative sex is not an evil thing. Becoming aware of the hypocrisy of thinking that sex is bad and unnatural, but letting 5 or more guys jerk off over your body at the same time is a-ok. Stuff like that.

Two, and this is where 98% of the fury lies: There is an entire generation of young, virile men being conditioned to be not only comfortable with close proximity to other erections, but potentially aroused by it – and THIS IS SO UNFAIR.

Unbelievably unfair. STAGGERINGLY unfair. There’s potentially millions of guys out there who are okay (or better) with being near other penises, whether the swords cross or just exist in the same airspace – and I get stuck with the straightest guy on the planet who won’t indulge me this one little (but not too little) thing. NOT. FUCKING. FAIR. No extra cocks AND no pug? Something’s gotta give, and it’s gotta give soon. To me. Repeatedly. In every room of the house.

Laugh all you want, but I am seriously annoyed about this.

i don't even need this many - just two or three. i'm not greedy.

*: see? closed eyes AND protective wear. it's easy.

New rule – I don’t drive anything that requires a ladder to get into. I realize this means I will likely never realize my dream of monster truck ownership, but I just feel so stupid in a large vehicle. I rented a cargo van for our company picnic today, and it’s HUGE. I almost caused several accidents on my way to the office because I am not used to driving anything with such magnitude – I have a medium-sized hatchback (that I’m trying to convince Ed we should sell in exchange for an even smaller car), and a scooter. I could put both my usual rides in this thing and STILL have room for sexy rental sex times in the back. Which I hope to have. I’ve never done it in a U-Haul van before.

My favourite non-nerd-themed indie rapper has a new album coming out in September, and just released the first single for free downloading goodness – check it out here. I love me some Astronautalis, yes I do. He makes for tingling in the ear holes.

open us up and put things in us

Earlier this month I ordered the missing piece for my latest project, and I am endlessly frustrated that it hasn’t arrived yet. My missing shipment is causing a lot of little problems, all of which can be boiled down into one great big problem: my brothel can’t open.

I have decided that I have always longed for my very own Old West-style brothel, so clearly I should go about setting one up already. It shouldn’t be too difficult; all I really need is a player piano, some whiskey, and a lot of crinoline. I have these things – really, who doesn’t – so all I needed was a way to accept money for sexual favours. Reinventing the wheel is such a hassle and I have many better things to do (all of which involve learning how to shoot a dainty pearl-handled six shooter that I keep in my garter), so I thought that I would just fall back on the old standard: the cat house token system. Ladies and gentlemen of all sorts can sidle up to the bar, pay the coyly-named fee for services, and receive a token that they can then give to the girl of their choosing in exchange for carnal delights. This is an excellent plan that can only be wildly successful, but until my damn shipment arrives, I HAVE NO SEX TOKENS. Without sex tokens, there can be no SEX. You see my problem here – what’s a poor fledgling madame to do?

looking for a good time? well, you can't have one yet.

Where are my whore house coins?!