Warning: excessively girlie post ahead.

After 6 years of being satisfied with mineral makeup, I’ve decided I need to go back to using a liquid foundation. I don’t WANT to do this – powder has served me well over the years – but I have become so hideously deformed that I feel I need something stronger, perhaps even nuclear-powered, to cover my face.

The discolouration I’ve suffered since the never-ending onset of zombie face has spread and gotten worse. Not satisfied with just having random patches of weird, I’ve now got a great deal of noticeably lighter skin with some awesome dark splotches throughout. Ed swears that my horrible face is not detectable to anyone else, but I can’t possibly see how that can be true – it’s like a giant glowing beacon of leprosy ALL OVER MY FACE. Most people I know are far too polite to say “hey, so what’s up with your face”, but I am paranoid that people are whispering amongst themselves and wondering if I’m contagious or even worse, looking at my face instead of my glorious rack.

So, that brings me to my point: I need some liquid foundation advice. Before I switched to mineral foundation, I was using some MAC stuff with a sponge and more often than not going out with a face full of goo that felt kind of icky. Six years is a long time, and I’m certain there have been some great technological strides in the science of facial coverage that I could use to my advantage (and to hide my shame) – but I don’t know what they are. If you use liquid foundation, what brand(s) do you like? Is there anything I should avoid or look for? Is there a better way to apply foundation other than a sponge but isn’t a friggin’ airbrush? Should I just give up altogether and exchange all my makeup for a pair of sweatpants and an ill-fitting t-shirt?

Help. I hate feeling ugly.

feeling ugly makes me want to hide :(

Yesterday afternoon dragged on for at least 50 years, but eventually it was time for Fancy Taco Friday. A large group of us minus three descended upon the new La Taqueria location on Cambie, chosen because I had never been to La Taqueria despite my encompassing love of tacos and also Ed is getting tired of my hard-on for Chronic – and it was as delicious as promised. I enjoyed the variety and the salsa lesson, but I think I still prefer Chronic – an almost moot point, because it’s like trying to decide a favourite amongst things that are already equally awesome. Still, Chronic will be my go-to place for a quick taco fix (but it’s nice to have the option of La Taqueria close by).

Next on the taco docket: Tacofino! Aiming for Tuesday; who’s in?

We left La Taqueria to free up room for other patrons, but were not yet done hanging out. We decided to go to Wendy’s for frosties, then ended up sitting on the lawn of City Hall talking about hilarious things until everyone’s parking expired. We were home by 8pm – an early night, but a quality one just the same. More Taco Fridays need to happen, whether they be fancy or regular – hell, they don’t even necessarily need to be about tacos. I’ve missed hanging out with people, and it was really nice to just sit and talk and be silly with no other plans (other than to enter a series of disastrous fellationships followed by a whirlwind romance via teledildonics).

Our ride home was timed perfectly, as game of footballs had broken out at Empire Field not thirty minutes earlier. We managed to avoid all the game traffic, and made it home in one piece. As I was kicking it old school in the bedroom, I heard multiple cars go by with their alarms going off and quickly realized that cars were being towed en masse – tow trucks were out in full force, removing illegally parked cars from the area. I was maliciously excited about this, because it would mean people would come back from the game and not find their cars and be outraged with the yelling and screaming and hilarious drunken drama. What fun! I settled in and waited, confident that the footballers would provide me with far greater entertainment than Friday night TV ever could.

.. and I was ultimately disappointed. There wasn’t a SINGLE FREAKOUT over the missing cars – people just seemed to accept they were now stranded in East Vancouver with no way home and a $200 Saturday morning ahead of them. The calm demeanor in which people accepted their fate was incredibly frustrating, and I felt so cheated – where were the fireworks? Why was no one Causing a Scene? It had all the ingredients for a hilarious display of tragic humanity at its worst, but sensibility won out and I was deprived of my evening amusement. Disgusting! Since when are people so laid-back and logical in the face of adversity? What a waste of some perfectly good tantrums!

This morning had additional non-reactions in store for me, but for the best – a Hummer ran a red light in my intersection and took out a Smart car. The Hummer was driven by a tiny lady and the Smart by a large muscular man, and although both cars are likely a write-off, no one was injured in any way (they left the scene via cab, not ambulance). It was pretty much the worst case scenario for an accident, but not only was no one hurt, no one really seemed to be bothered by it – everyone was calm and patient and not at all furious that the Hummer ran a red and could have killed someone. I’m glad no one got hurt, but couldn’t there have been one little screaming match? Just for me? One person to tell the Hummer that she had no business driving a Hummer and/or running red lights; someone to scream and yell and Cause a Scene? The accident woke me up as it was, so at least there could have been something entertaining to listen to. But nooooo, everyone had to be all calm and unflappable about everything and ruin my fun again. I’m onto you, Vancouver. I know your plans, and I WILL FOIL THEM.

I have absolutely nothing planned this weekend, and I feel kind of guilty about it. Not guilty enough to actually fix it, you understand, but mildly contrite all the same.

all aboard!

It’s Fancy Taco Friday up in here, and that means petticoats and cleavage and tacos ALL DAY LONG. Or, to be more precise, AFTER WORK. I’ve called together a meeting of the minds to converge upon a new-to-me tacoteria; one I have been assured is both delicious and fancy enough to name a day in its honour. I am excited about Fancy Taco Friday! Truthfully, it doesn’t really take much to excite me – I would be and have been excited about Regular Taco Friday as well. Bonnie and I have a pact to be fancy, though, so a petticoat and the danger bra it is. All for tacos! Man, I love tacos.

And pepper. Man, I love pepper.

delicious!

Also, awesome new keychain from Blend Creations is awesome:

behold the awesome

I managed to catch on my sleep last night, no thanks in part to intentionally pissing off the Big Cat so he would leave me the fuck alone in the middle of the night. I’m glad he loves me and all, even if only when he can’t penetrate Ed’s night time defenses, but two nights in a row of large pointy drooling (so much drool) cat love at 3am makes for an uncooperative and cranky as fuck Kimli the next day. Ed has no sympathy for me, having spent years putting up with Hobble’s nocturnal affection – but I will have my revenge. It will be swift and brutal and probably hilarious.

I am stressed out at work, which is endlessly amusing to me because my job right now is pretty ridiculous: I’ve spent the last 4 hours researching toys and collectibles. Yes, that’s something I do all the damn time anyway, but no matter how much you enjoy something the instant you have to do it in an Official Capacity it becomes an entirely different ball of wax. Everything all up in my head space is all waxy balls and I’m fretting so much more than usual. Should I do this? What about this? We could maybe try this, but will it be enjoyed or seen with a suspicious eye?

When I’m not trying to slip in references to a zombie apocalypse in our employee handbook, I’m working on recognition programs. At the moment I’m trying to come up with an idea for a milestone reward system – do something significant (an anniversary, complete a project, go a whole quarter without removing your pants in the kitchen) and get a thing that will attach to your other things so people can see at a glance what you’ve accomplished. The problem here is the thing – what the hell is it? What are my options?

I asked Google+ and had some ideas of my own, but I’m worried about them simply because I like them. I don’t necessarily want this project to be an extension of my regular life, but I already DO all the awesome things on a regular basis – so am I rejecting ideas because they’re too “me”, or is there some logical merit to my habitual madness?

Idea One: Lego. Rejected for obvious reasons, but it would work almost perfectly – employees would be given a small Lego base and their first milestone figure, and would build from there. Special pieces or minifigures would be awarded with each accomplishment, allowing people to build their own little Shrine of Awesome in their workspaces.

Pros: Small, fun, only communists don’t like Lego.

Cons: I love Lego and am addicted to minifigures; procuring 100+ of the same figure is tricky and potentially expensive as hell.

Idea Two: Merit Badges. Also rejected because it’s a Kimli Thing, this is another logical idea that deserves more thought that I’m giving it. Get a certificate; add merit badges to it when you do stuff. Easy, cost effective, significantly less cheesy than the next idea.

Idea Three: Interlocking figures, like these. I like the “connected people” aspect; dislike the fact they’re basically chew toys for toddlers. Also, they’re kind of ugly. Fear they would be dismissed pretty quickly, because who would want to display these things let alone proudly?

Idea Four: Stacking robots. Cool coz they’re robots, but potentially expensive and only seem to come in four colours. The limited variety is also what makes me naysay Idea Five:

Mr/Mrs Potato Head. Instantly recognizable, but limited variety of parts. Could drive people with OCD tendencies insane if they’re given only one eye with the second being earned at their 15 year anniversary. Potentially cheese factor is high.

Idea Six: The Cubes. Collectible, interlocking, cute. Con: sarcastic office environment vibe; would be difficult to award people for good things when you’re giving them figures with a rap sheet attached for things like “Level 6 Conduct Violation (Suspected Intoxication)” and “04/12/1997 – Level 3 Performance Violation (Software fluency not up to company standards)”.

Idea Seven: Rubber duckies. Everyone loves rubber duckies. Con: might be too silly; difficult to display when all you have are walls.

MY JOB IS HARD.

Help – if you were an employee here, would you be into a fun award system that gave you stuff like this? We’re trying to avoid t-shirts, motivational paperweights, that sort of stuff – we’re going for fun, collectible, pride. I suck at this stuff. HELP!

As an aside, I need this:

i'm at level 6 myself

This part of my job is basically internal communication and branding .. it’s like looking in a blond, plastic mirror!

Okay, back to Google. Also: HELP!

I must have had a good weekend, because I am itchy all over.

Two parties (one make out, one birthday), too many samosas, and several long, long scooter rides: good times.

I’m not intentionally being quiet – actually, I feel really guilty about it – but I don’t seem to have much to say at the moment. I enjoyed my long weekend thoroughly, but there wasn’t any one moment that stood out as “must recap” (with the exception of the bukkake, which is below). My August and September are crammed full of Fun Things, but right now I am sleepwalking without motivation to be entertaining. Sorry about that.

I need to get myself into some ridiculous situations ASAP so I’ve got something to be incredulous about.

Also, more lego. I don’t care if I’m the only one who likes them, I love making lego scenes.

I wish our pop machine was not empty of Diet Coke.

mail from thailand is the happiest mail

This post is likely going to be both inappropriate AND unapologetic (and icky, if you’re at all squeamish about buckets of semen) .. so, you know, act accordingly. If it helps, here is a picture of my cat being bad:

bad, bad cat

OKAY. I am VERY ANGRY ABOUT BUKKAKE. I tweeted this last night to a confused captive audience, who (quite rightly) pointed out that I am officially On Record saying that bukkake is hilarious (it totally is) – so why the 180? I promised I would explain, so here I am.

Last night at the Make Out Party, the topic of Super Gonorrhea came up (as an aside, how proud am I of my granddad – he was the Ultimate Hipster; having contracted Super Gonorrhea way before anyone else had ever heard of it), which naturally led to a conversation about chlamydia. It turns out that there is a shocking spike in chlamydia cases amongst teens – and even worse, a startling number of young girls showing up with chlamydia in the EYE, due to these bukkake parties all teens everywhere are supposedly having.

I am angry for two reasons:

One: I don’t care how many men are depositing their seed on your face in a group setting, Rule Three still applies – jizz does not belong in the eye. Yes, it takes a little more planning to avoid an eyeful of man-juice when you’re getting it from all angles, but there is always a way. Goggles. A blindfold. A helmet. Shutting your damn eyes*. Enacting a “not above the neck” clause. Realizing that penetrative sex is not an evil thing. Becoming aware of the hypocrisy of thinking that sex is bad and unnatural, but letting 5 or more guys jerk off over your body at the same time is a-ok. Stuff like that.

Two, and this is where 98% of the fury lies: There is an entire generation of young, virile men being conditioned to be not only comfortable with close proximity to other erections, but potentially aroused by it – and THIS IS SO UNFAIR.

Unbelievably unfair. STAGGERINGLY unfair. There’s potentially millions of guys out there who are okay (or better) with being near other penises, whether the swords cross or just exist in the same airspace – and I get stuck with the straightest guy on the planet who won’t indulge me this one little (but not too little) thing. NOT. FUCKING. FAIR. No extra cocks AND no pug? Something’s gotta give, and it’s gotta give soon. To me. Repeatedly. In every room of the house.

Laugh all you want, but I am seriously annoyed about this.

i don't even need this many - just two or three. i'm not greedy.

*: see? closed eyes AND protective wear. it's easy.