Movie trailers in 2002 were just as obnoxious as they are today. To fully understand this post, you need to remember this commercial, which played NON-STOP that summer:

.. this was originally posted on August 16th, 2002:

camera pans over row after row of computers, hundreds of people hunched over their keyboards as a cry of “left! go left! red team is weak, take them out!” is heard over the roar of the crowd

Voiceover: You have to understand. These are some of the most dangerous maps in the game. Out here, you don’t just get fragged .. You get owned.

more camera shots, fast moving frames of DM6, scores, flick rail shots all set to a pounding drum beat. three people slumped over keyboards being shaken awake by a fourth, saying “hey. we’re up. get a move on!”

Voiceover: This summer, on the other side of paradise ..

camera pans to beautiful ocean view, rolling waves crashing onto the sand and beautiful people lounging about. quick slide to the left; camera shows a group of 7 girls walking in slow motion, keyboards slung over shoulders and headphones around necks

Voiceover: It’s not where you live, it’s how low your pings are.

funky dope rap music accompanies shots of the girls in front of computers, playing Q3. lots of energy; loud cheering whenever someone makes a kill. screen shows quad room in DM7; player gets quad and takes out 4 red opponents with 2 rails and a rocket. girls throw off headphones and start hugging and yelling.

Scene from movie: Cute Boy stands by row of computers, trying to talk to lead girl. Hesitantly, he asks “I was wondering if you’ve ever taught anybody. You know, how to play.” Camera angle changes to show girl packing up gear, wrapping headphone cord. Camera spends an inordinate amount of time focused on girl’s chest. Girl: “You mean, teach someone the game?” Boy: “Well, yeah.” Girl: “You might want to find a teacher who’s patient.” Boy: “And you’re ..?” Girl: “Not.”

more energetic music and shots of game play, girls fragging and getting fragged. lots of cheering, hugging, gratuitous boob shots

Voiceover: But if you want to be the best ..

Scene from movie: Seven girls looking up at projection screen filled with zombies. Girl 3, in awe: “You gotta be pro to handle something like this.

Voiceover: You’ve got to take the biggest risks.

camera pans to girls screaming at monitor, slamming mouse and throwing down headphones in frustration

Scene from movie: Girl 3: “You land a single rocket jump to the pillars and mid-air rail to take out 3 guys, you put yourself on the map.”

Cut to different scene: Burly Troll Guy: “What, you think you can play me for real?” Sassy Girl: “You know it.”

New scene: Girl setting up machine, joining server and running around to warm up. Girl 2: “What the hell is she doing?”

cue dramatic music

More scenes: Girl playing 1v1 on map 11, unable to find opponent. From spectator view, crowd can see Burly Troll Guy camping. Girl does not see his hiding spot. Rail shot rings out, Girl 2 yells “NO!”. Slow motion shot, mouse falling to the ground followed by headphones.

Voiceover: This summer ..

Camera pans to gang of Burly Troll Boys confronting Girl. Burly Troll Boy: “This game is for the big boys .. you don’t play here.” Boy shoves girl, who yells “Stop it!”. Cue Girl 3, who stands up to Burly Troll Boys: “Don’t touch her!” Fight starts, Troll Boys cry like little bitches.

Voiceover: There are moments where you can be anything ..

Scene: Cute Boy talking to Girl: “I know how much this means to you .. I just don’t want you to spend your life wondering what could have been.” Girl is at computer, tweaking config and cleaning mousepad.

Voiceover: Anything .. but a llama.

Scene: Girl 3: “You going back in there?” Girl: “Yup.” Girl 3: “Hey .. be careful?” Camera pans to room full of computers. Girl sits in front of one and puts on headphones, execs her config.

Loud rock music blares, scenes shown of girls playing games and getting frags, more crowd gathering to watch and cheering. Disgruntled Burly Troll Boys hold up signs saying “Stupid dyke whores, get back in the kitchen!” Girls high five each other, dance around to sexy music. Lots and lots of T&A shots. Boobs are everywhere. You can’t escape them. Boobs! Boobs! Everywhere, boobs! Shots of girls training, blindfolded running around maps and playing against nightmare bots, rail only. Pan to Cute Boy running up to the stage to kiss Girl; kiss is exchanged then Girl turns to Girl 2 and starts making out. Disgusted looks from Burly Troll Boys With Small Penises. Uplifting music about girl power plays on, more cleavage shots.

Final Scene: Seven girls standing in front of seven computers. Other side of the table are seven Burly Troll Boys in front of seven more computers. Girl: “Ready up, bitches. Think you can handle this?” Game starts “THREE .. TWO .. ONE .. FIGHT!”. Loud white flash bang takes us out.

Voiceover: This Summer ..

Big letters flash onto the screen with snazzy effects:

LLAMA CRUSH

These bitches got game.

–

I’m bored and unbelievably sick of seeing promos for Blue Crush. Leave me alone.

I used to fall down a lot. This was originally posted on May 28th 2004:

Hey kids! Tired of your regular action figures? Running out of interesting ways to make Barbie die? Frustrated with the logistics behind the new Surfer Ninja Web Cycle Street Fighting Spider-Man with Sewer Cap Hurling Action? Put down that Linkin Park CD, Timmy! Take off that black nail polish, Susie! We have the answer to all your prayers right here!

Be the first one on your block to get your very own PERILOUS KIMLI ACTION FIGURE! There are 12 in all — collect the whole set! The Perilous Kimli Action Figure is the ONLY figure to feature these exciting new technological breakthroughs:

• Random Tripping Action! Perilous Kimli falls down again and again! (empty beer bottles not included)
• Stigmata! Perilous Kimli is bleeding! Is it a religious miracle, or just another pizza sauce incident? Use your detective skills to figure out why!
• Realistic Bruising and Burning! Dip Perilous Kimli in icy water and see her turn black and blue! Use hot water, and watch third degree burns appear like MAGIC!
• Rotating Ankles! Take Perilous Kimli out for a stroll — but watch out! Her rotating ankles could give at any second, and then she’ll have to hobble!
• Hyper-Sensitive Allergies! Expose Perilous Kimli to a laundry list of natural elements and watch her eyes swell shut and leak real tears! Serve Perilous Kimli a bowl of fruit at tea time and her throat will close up! Take Perilous Kimli on a night out on the town and watch what happens when alcohol is introduced — will she make it home alive? Only your imagination knows for sure!

All this and MORE, only available on the Perilous Kimli Action Figure! You don’t want to be left behind, do you? If you don’t get your very own Perilous Kimli Action Figure TODAY, all the cool kids will laugh at you and you’ll never get invited to play Seven Minutes in Heaven at Debbie’s birthday party and make out with Hunky Darryl or that cute girl who doesn’t wear panties! With 12 different varieties to choose from, there’s bound to be a Perilous Kimli out there just for you! Take a look at just some of the exciting and realistic styles:

• Casting Action Perilous Kimli! Comes with her very own copy of Return to Castle Wolfenstein, a headset with microphone, and a pair of Casting Goggles to protect her from herself! Casting Kimli comes pre-banned from several IRC channels just for speaking her mind and not being a no-talent mindless drone!
• Talking Perilous Kimli! Playtime is so much more fun when there’s a voice to act out your fantasies! Talking Perilous Kimli says 15 phrases, such as “OW!” “It’s all good!” “I like Ed’s wiener” “BOOBIES!” “Fuck hell damn ass bitch whore shit cock fuck damn!”. Talking Perilous Kimli comes with a scrambled voice chip, so you’re never really sure what she’s going to say next — she trips over her words and mixes up phrases, just like her mom! What’s that, Perilous Kimli? You want to go to the parking mall for a sandwich of Wednesday? Oh, you!
• Perilous Action Kitchen Kimli! — Oh oh, Perilous Kimli is hungry and wants a snack! Figure comes with a jar of pizza sauce (dangerous), her very own oven (really dangerous), and a first-aid kit with bandages and painkillers!
• Perilous Kimli, Closet Exhibitionist! Perilous Kimli is shy and demure, but just wait until you tie her into her very own Good Girl Corset! At the first sign of cleavage, Perilous Kimli drops her inhibitions and flaunts her ample bosom! Dress her up in some PVC and watch her go to town, working that rack from dusk til dawn! The more you stare, the tighter her corset gets until she’s practically breaking laws! She’s a dirty girl, isn’t she, and that shy act she has going on won’t fool you — Perilous Kimli takes it up the butt and *likes* it!
• Perilous Kimli, Internet Superstar! She’s round and incoherent, but damned if she hasn’t convinced herself otherwise! Massage Perilous Kimli’s ego and watch her chest puff out with pride. Comes with her own over-hyped and generally annoying blog, customized clothing reminding the world of her greatness, and a giant chip on her shoulder!

Don’t delay — get your own Perilous Kimli today! Remember, if mom and dad don’t buy you what you want, it means THEY DON’T LOVE YOU!

I tripped on my way to work and landed heavily on my left hand. It hurts, and my knee hurts, and I only got 2 hours of sleep, and I feel like a sack of hell. But I have my very own Action Figure, so I figure right about now I’m a hell of a lot cooler than, say, that kid who made the page looking for an internet girlfriend, or that guy who dresses up like Peter Pan. Oh yeah. I’m the man.

Ow.

Delicious Juice Dot Com will be ten years old next month, which is cause for epic celebration (likely in my mind only, but let me have my fun). I don’t know what I’m going to do for the big day – likely nothing – but in the meantime, I thought this would be a good time to start recycling some of my older content that you likely haven’t seen. It’s environmentally friendly – I’m saving electrons! And, um, I don’t have anything else to write about today, but pretend this is nostalgic and not lazy, okay?

Originally posted on December 15th, 2002:

Resume of DeeAy

Objective:
To obtain a position with an organization that allows me to utilize my current skill sets and gain others in an environment that encourages rapid growth, ethical problem solving, and little to no llamas.

Skills:

• Can carry up to ten weapons at once
• Able to kill a man with a single punch
• Intimate knowledge of arming and disarming explosive devices
• Feels no guilt for taking human lives; firm believer in “kill or be killed” mentality
• Excellent communication skills
• Powerful cleric able to heal party of adventures under duress of battle
• Able to repair and maneuver anti-gravity motorcycles in a post-apocalyptic world
• Team player willing to sacrifice self so that team may reach goal
• Some sniper experience
• Been known to be more than 100% healthy
• Capable of acting as both terrorist and counter-terrorist
• Undeterred from goals by death
• Able to access high places via rocket propulsion with little damage to self
• Can perform fakie 900 tail grab to iffy-stiffy
• Able to drive cars at upwards of 150 miles per hour
• Familiar with at least four different kinds of Super Soldier

Experience:

• Destroyed 30 Ally Communication Towers to date
• Research Associate in the Anomalous Materials Laboratory, Black Mesa Federal Research Facility
• Saved world from Vorticons seven times, once while sleeping
• Became tournament champion in three separate arena settings
• Stopped H.A.R.M. plot to destroy/take over world on two separate occasions, often armed with no more than a barrette and lipstick
• Was kindly god for several thousand villagers; communicated via large tiger
• Successfully wielded John Romero’s Daikatana
• Nursed mankind in infantile stages; eventually created civilization
• Maintained household of adults with upwards of 8 friends, resulting in eventual baby
• Defeated Diablo and Bael with magical ice arrows
• Single-handedly (and again as group) eliminated Nazi threat from Germany
• Member of the AMS; defeated Goldman’s Army of the Undead in London England
• Been crowned “Godlike” for sniping abilities several times
• Saved the Princess
• Uncovered Covenant family curse
• Former Holy Crusader turned Vampire by treacherous nun; survived through to modern day London and eventually traveled to New York to rid world of evil

Interests:

Discovering creative means of grenade/plasma-fueled propulsion, uncovering lost spells, cooking.

References:

• Deckard Cain, Horadric Mage
• Superfly Johnson, Black Sidekick
• Dr. Fluke Hawkins, Inventor

Hire me, or I’ll kill you in your sleep.

.. may break my bones, but words will haunt me forever.

I grew up in an verbally abusive environment. While I was able to eventually shake off a lot of the damage my mother did, I have an extreme tendency to internalize and dwell. I remember every bad thing ever said to me – not just by my mother, but also from years upon years of living online. I run in mostly decent circles now, so there’s a great deal less nastiness dished out on a daily basis – in fact, it almost never happens. It’s part of growing up, I think.

I don’t censor myself, but I do live by one hard and fast rule – don’t be a dick. I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. I have an almost pathological need for people to like me (thankfully buffered by my overwhelming need to do what feels right; I’m not a doormat or sycophant), and I try really hard to be nice. I think I’m a good person. I’ll do anything to help a friend in need, or even people I don’t know. I just want to be a nice person; someone people think fondly of. I’ve had so many years of people saying horrible, terrible things to me – family members, friends, acquaintances, strangers – I don’t want to relive any of it.

Except I do, all the time, because I can’t let it go. I always remember the bad in crystal clarity – I go over it in my head again and again, turning it around and obsessing over it. Running in better circles than I did a lifetime ago has helped a lot – time heals most wounds, after all – but not everyone subscribes to the “don’t be a dick” way of life, and I’ve spent the last several weeks obsessing over some recent hateful words. I don’t want to, but I can’t stop. I waffle between sadness and red-hot fury, unable to find peace. Worse, it’s bringing back memories of other things said to me that I thought I had gotten over, and I’m existing in an ominous cloud of doubt and stress. I hate that words have this kind of power over me. I hate the hypocrisy of it all. I hate the aftermath; knowing that I’m going to lose (or have already lost) friends if I can’t get over it. I hate knowing that I’m the only one suffering, because no one else cares if I’m bullied. I hate that people don’t know or care; think that the attack on me was cute or hilarious. I hate that I’m being shut out because I’m not okay with being treated like that. I hate being hurt.

How do you get over things?

(I’ve been away from the internet for the last two days, taking a Sharepoint 2010 class – I had no internet, so I couldn’t post snarky remarks about the length of the instructor’s pants. The horror!)

Last night I didn’t organize Schnitzelfest 2011, and it was awesome. So very German! We commanded a large table featuring many of my favourite people, and it was quite groaning with schnitzel and cabbage and sauerkraut and spätzle and Winter Dunkel and other assorted German food which is still all weird to me. Armed with the memory of my stolen nibbles from our last visit, I had the rinderroulade which came stuffed with hidden mushy pickles (not a fan) and onions and additional meats:

As good as the food is, it’s secondary to the real reason we go to the Vancouver Alpen Club: the dancing. Oh, the dancing! There is something kind of magical about watching old couples dance – for all our snooty hipster cynicism and tendency to jeer at anything that isn’t future retro bohemian punk cool, watching people twirl about on the dance floor having a wonderful time makes my heart grow at least three sizes.

:3

Even the scary man at the front door accosting people for money couldn’t dampen our spirits – we had to rescue several of our party from giving him money (you pay if you’re there to dance; we were there to eat and watch) and he ended the evening hovering over Shan and I with creepy overtones, but the rest of the evening was too fun to waste any time dwelling on the angry man and his angry suspenders. Besides, how can you feel intimidated by an old man and his beer belly when Superman himself was in the next room?

During our last visit to the Alpen Club, the Euro Band rocked the house with their polka-flavoured goodness. This time, the Al Pichler and his Alpiners played – and while Al and his accordion were great and all, the drummer was friggin’ Superman himself. Not only did he keep perfect jaunty time with his drums, he multitasked while doing it – for most of their set, he played the trumpet at the same time. He was amazing! Every time I looked over, he was doing different things – playing the drums and the trumpet; playing the trumpet and the maracas, drumming and singing. The highlight of the night was probably the band’s rendition of Glenn Miller’s In the Mood; Superman drummed the entire song, trumpeted the famous brass lines, AND sang the verses. It was incredible to watch, and I am in awe of his talent. So much fun!

Our waitress was authentic German and completely adorable (and also gave us free lava cake because they ran out of chocolate mousse), and she handled our ridiculously complicated bill with ease and aplomb. Last night was the first visit to the club for most of our group, and while I can’t speak for all of them, I know that Ed had a great time which makes me full of happy. He even wants to go back, and we’re planning on taking his parents there if they ever come visit. I know his mom will love it – how can you not? It’s just .. happy!

in 40 years this is going to be us, dancing to classical hip hop

this is my new secret spy phrase: the schnitzel is breaded

this is from our first visit, and wasn't there anymore - paul found his lederhosen !!!

Wow! My email is so fresh and dope! I really feel like Microsoft “gets” me!

Now that I’ve checked my hella fly email, let’s go kick it with our homies and chillax to some rad tunes on our boombox Zune! Peace out, dawg!

.. not everything needs a “skin” to make it appealing, although I do appreciate the exclamation point – Outlook Web App! ALRIGHT!

A whole bunch of people I know and like are suddenly full of baby and/or baby thoughts, so I am in the midst of a present-buying spree. I’m doing it online, of course, because it’s cheaper and there’s a better selection and honestly, the thought of walking into a baby supply store and looking for suitable gifts is vastly terrifying. I don’t know what any of those things do! Why are all the clothes so small? And then the questions – am I shopping for myself? Yeah, that’s a conversation I don’t need to have – are you saying I look pregnant? Implying that I allowed my uterus to be showered with sperm for a reason instead of fun; an ulterior ejaculatory motive? Is that it? HOW DARE YOU! WHY I NEVER! YOU’LL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER!

See, I don’t actually HAVE a lawyer, so logic dictates that I prudently avoid any situation that might end in my suing someone. So, I shop online. Easy!

I really wish Amazon wasn’t so eager to be helpful, though:

not. funny.

These aren’t helpful suggestions, they’re my worst nightmare: baby items about poo. Why not just recommend some tarantulas and warm lettuce while you’re at it? Maybe some books by Beck and Coulter; some high-heeled Uggs and a box of Go-Bots? You don’t know me, Amazon. You don’t know me at ALL.

I think I’m coming down with something. I HOPE I’m coming down with something. I don’t particularly want to be sick, but I also don’t want to think that I’m feeling this terrible for no reason at all. Physically I guess I’m fine, but I’m mentally worn the fuck out and feeling really, really down. I know that I don’t have to have a reason to be sad, but it’s better than this hazy, undefined cloud of angst I’m attempting to wade through – every single thing in my life right now feels like an insurmountable, arduous impossibility. I’m very rarely like this, so that’s why I think something is up. Something not normal. Something ominous, perhaps accompanied by this. Go back to hell, forces of darkness! My soul is not yours for the taking!

Strangely, the thought of beating off demons with a cardboard tube – which of course led to thoughts of beating off demons – cheered me up quite a bit. Also, Ed is bringing me tacos for lunch.

I’ll be fine. I just need some vitamin C, a good cry, and something to look forward to.

Also, tacos.

Before I left for America on Sunday morning, I took a picture of Ed asleep in bed and covered in cats. I thought it was a cute shot, but I realized far too late that the picture exposed a deep dark secret:

It’s not the fact that Ed sleeps with clothes on (something that endlessly annoys me because naked is awesome), or that each cat in the picture has somehow mastered the art of taking up half a bed each, or even that it’s actually never been cold enough in Vancouver for me to actually wear the Hello Kitty ear muffs in the top right corner. Yes, Ed is sleeping upside down .. because we sleep head to toe every night.

Just like the smell of cigarette smoke will instant wake me up and fill me with red-hot carcinogenic fury, Ed’s sleepy time kryptonite is snoring. He wears earplugs, but I sometimes snore loudly and sleep like the dead, and he can’t cope. Instead of kicking me awake every time I breathe deeper than a whisper, he just sleeps further away from my head. It took a lot of trial and error to get to this point, not to mention all the angst-ridden huffing (complete with storming off to the living room with pillows and a blanket to try to get some peace). The upside down arrangement beneficial for me, too – Ed throws elbows in his sleep like some kind of basket-ball man, and I’ve been woken from slumber more times than I can count with an faceful of ulna. We don’t have enough space for separate beds (and are also not 60 years old or living in 1955) and don’t care for different bedrooms (okay *I* want my own room, but I do enjoy sleeping with a source of heat and wang). So, we make do.  By sleeping head to toe. And on the rare occasions we do try to sleep normally, we find that there isn’t enough room for our bums and 40 pounds of cats and sleep poorly .. and here we are.

DON’T JUDGE US!

You can judge me for this, though – I found this in Target yesterday:

I’m gonna make Ed wear it during sex.

All we need is a little energon and a lot of lube.

Bwah chika bwahhhhhh chicka bwah

How on earth did V.C Andrews (or her ghost writer) keep TRACK of all this?

This one was even more complicated than the Casteel series. It has a lot less rape, but SO MUCH INCEST! Also, I had to do it in Word and not Visio so the legend is slightly different. My shoulder hurts now.

click to embiggen and hurt your brain

The legend:

• Double Line: Marriage
• Straight Line: Offspring
• Red Dash: Rape
• Curvy Line: Siblings
• Purple Dotted Double Line: Incestuous Marriage
• Green Dotted Line: Fake child
• Light Blue Dash: Takes in wayward and sometimes inbred children
• Orange Dot Dash: Sekret Affair
• Blue Dotted Line: Relationship but no marriage

I’m out. This is exhausting and I’m fairly certain I can better spend this energy elsewhere. Also, I stopped reading the other books – I don’t think I got past the first book of the Dawn series (sorry Donna) and there’s very little incest in the standalone “My Sweet Audrina” so it wouldn’t be as entertaining to map out.

Tomorrow: road trip! Yay!