Category Archives: everyday kimli

i have a tummy ache

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.. but Ed made it all better by bringing me Sweet and Sour Pork:

 

saucy pork love!

:D It’s a delayed Valentine’s Day present! I posted a link to the porky goodness on Twitter ages ago, and promptly forgot about it – but Ed apparently ordered it for me, and now I have an adorable piece of pork on my desk to brighten my day. Hooray!

Our systems are down at work, and I can’t do very much. You’d think this would give me time to write an epic post full of wonder and delight, but you’d be wrong – I have nothing to say other that my stomach hurts, I have cute pork, and here are some apps you should buy immediately (yes I know these are on the wrong blog – shush):

Tiny Wings

Device: All
Genre: have you ever wanted to fly?
Price: $0.99

Gorgeous art, great music, adorable premise, fantastic game play all for a dollar – what other reasons could you possibly need? Get this app now, and feel a warm glowing warming glow when you play the awesome and support indie game makers.

Tasty Planet

Device: All
Genre: so hungry
Price: $0.99 (50% off sale)

The main idea behind Katamari Damacy is to collect things so you grow bigger so you can collect more things. Enter Tasty Planet: you are goo, accidentally released into the wild from the lab. Eat things to grow bigger to eat other things – start out a mere iota and grow to devour a universe. It’s played entirely by tilt and is really fun – I scared the cats with my loud cheer when I was finally big enough to eat a golf ball. Get it now while it’s on sale!

Viking Tales: Mystery of Black Rock

Device: All
Genre: *viking noises*
Price: $0.99

Row row row your boat, avoiding obstacles and collecting gold and battling enemy ships. I’m not yet viking’d-out, especially when the app has as much to offer as this does. Interesting game play, a lot of personality, and all for a dollar – check it out if you’re in the market for some fun and stuff.

Perhaps I’ll go put this content on the other blog now, but I’m too lazy to take it off here so .. just enjoy it twice, ok?

glass yanking

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We got our flowers back from the glass studio! Calling them flowers is a little generous – they’re more Dali on LSD than O’Keefe – but they turned out really cool all the same. Check it:

mary mary quite contrary
how does your garden grow?
with silver bells and cockle shells
lol, cockles

Not so much glass blowing as it was glass yanking, but a lot of fun just the same. You can make your own flowers on Granville Island for $35 – I’d totally do it again. Glass is awesome.

I just got my Sharepoint server back. See you in April or so, because I have SO MUCH WORK TO DO OMG AHH

state of love and trust

My team and I – henceforth to be known as the Ministry of Love – had an off-site meeting on Friday, where we used business buzzwords in real sentences and planned our goals for the next six months. After the official work was done and the official salads eaten, it was time to build the team – we pulled glass! We went to Granville Island, where we visited the glass studio and made our own glass flowers. They had to temper for a while afterwards, so we couldn’t take them with us – but my co-worker (to be known as RPG because he is Rated PG) will pick them up for us and soon we will have flowers! Made of glass! So fun – I’ve always wanted to try it, and I’m giving a serious thinking about taking glass blowing class. The Granville Island class is $500, but it would be fun. And molten. Something to think about, anyway.

Set free early on a gorgeous Friday afternoon, I convinced Ed to bail out of work early and we headed for the border. We made surprisingly good time over it with minimal probing, and were on the interstate by 5:30. Not wanting to interrupt Kid’s Movie Night at Ali’s house (and to lessen the temptation to eat the guests), we killed some time at the Seattle Outlets. I successfully stopped Ed from buying a $900 Burberry raincoat (to be fair it was on sale; the original price was $1200), so I celebrated by buying ruffled panties and 3 completely adorable dresses at 75% off. With time sufficiently killed, we drove south into Kenmore and to Ali and Doug’s place in the ‘burbs.

It’s not quite 7pm, but our Saturday has been chockfull of random goodness – waffles! Penis coffee! Hugs from Uncle Goat! Collecting the half dozen or so packages I shipped to Ali’s house because it was impossible or insane to ship to Canada! Being fed stinky balls and a cow that tooted in my mouth! Hours of colouring with River; I drew a unicorn and a tiger and a trio of flamingos and also several killer bees with which to terrorize Ed! All coloured out, it was time to head into town. I got to go with Doug in the Tesla Roadster, which was insanely awesome – with Ed, Ali and the girls traveling behind in the non-Tesla, we headed to Lunchbox Laboratory for some gourmet burger goodness. We’re already huge fans of Built Burger, but as they’re only open on weekdays, we tried LL. How can you not love a joint that sells Tang and Kool-Aid on tap; serves tater-tots and Satan Ketchup? Pretty sure you can’t, so we fell in line pretty quick. So good. Why Vancouver can’t have places like that I’ll never know. Oh, and I’m almost positive Roseanne was eating in the booth next to us. Famous people like delicious meat too, after all.

I’m really tired – I got up at 7am for quality visiting time after a great sleep on the split-personality mattress – and I’m kind of thinking the giant octopus pillow in the corner is looking pretty sweet. After I nap, I’m going to move in. I love Seattle – I’d move here in a second if I could. Vancouver wouldn’t miss me.

Zzzzzzzz.

information of the proletariat

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This is why I’m not in charge of things.

I’m building our corporate intranet, and embarking on a teaser campaign to generate some buzz before the event horizon; reaching for the low hanging fruit and using a holistic approach to core competency and other exciting marketing lingo that I just looked up on Wikipedia. This is all fine and good – I like doing creative things, even if I kind of suck at it – but there’s a distinctly Communist flavour to all my material. Like, a lot of it. Most, even. Everything I’ve made so far would not look out of place in a young idealist Joey Stalin’s bedroom; lining his walls like centerfolds from Tiger Beat or Bop magazines. I am amused by this. Hopefully others will be as well (or won’t notice, which would probably be best).

capitalism is the reason we can't have nice things

a+++, would assign work to again

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It’s Performance Review day here at the Lab, and this afternoon I have a meeting with my boss to talk about my work and my goals for the future. I don’t mind these things so much – yes they’re nerve-wracking and I’m more than mildly convinced I’ll be escorted out of the building and told they’ll mail me my things (I’d like to see them try – I have a LOT of things), but I know the alternative is actually worse: getting zero feedback of any kind is not as much fun as you might think, because when it finally happens it’ll be a laundry list of all the ways in which you’ve sucked for the last X years.

Most people see performance reviews as an opportunity to see how well their contributions were received in the last year, what their peers think of them both as a person and as a co-worker, and to come up with some work-related goals for the future. I see the whole thing in a slightly different light – it’s a chance to see how successful I was in convincing (fooling?) people I’m totally competent despite my blue hair and wall of Hello Kitty figures, and how well I trained people to say nice things about me when asked. Yeah, there are perks to being a corporate trainer when you’re evil and unscrupulous. Ask me about my brainwashing sessions some time.

I’d probably be a lot more nervous if my boss hadn’t sent me the write up we’re going over today. There are no big surprises on it (except for maybe the nice things – “second to none” is a lovely thing to hear about what you do), and the things I need to look out for are known to me:

  • I take too many sick days (which sucks to hear, but a good kick in the ass is all it takes to get me to walk the line on this so I will not be sick any more)
  • I forget to tell people what I’m doing on a regular basis (which is kind of hilarious if you think about it; all I DO is tell people what I’m doing – I’m doing it right now!)
  • I can be impatient with people less knowledgeable than me (read: I’m bad with idiots slow learners. In a shocking twist, the slowest learners were the ones who complained – see previous rants on learned helplessness and the inability to learn new concepts no matter how many times you’re shown)

Not bad, really. I think I deserve a cookie. A cookie shaped like a GIANT RAISE.

Or, you know, a fat dong.

kimli takes her projects very seriously and ensures they are driven to completion. her results are reliable and professional.

i can bleed when i want to bleed

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If Valentine’s Day isn’t the perfect time for a little prick and a bit of blood, then I just don’t know what’s what anymore.

I ordered a DIY Blood Typing kit from Think Geek several weeks ago, and figured last night was a wholly suitable time to find out my blood type once and for all. I’ve never known this information, and have often fantasized that it would be useful knowledge to have in case I need to perform an emergency tracheotomy with a ballpoint pen or remove myself from a list of murder suspects by process of elimination. I’ve given blood and had it forcibly removed from me many times, but I was never actually told what kind of blood I have, which led me to answering “red” on any form asking me for my blood type because I am so clever.

No more, though – now I know what kind of blood I have!

my bloody valentine

According to the decoding sheet, I’m B+. Woo! I’m valuable in England! Who wants some of my delicious juice? That’s right, anyone who is AB+ and needing a transfusion, baby!

ideal valentine

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A terrifying spectacle awaited me at my desk this morning:

"so who's YOUR ideal Valentine?" those are my only two choices? really? :(

Luckily, Ed knows me very, very well:

optimus prime + klw = TL4E <3 <3 <3

The scary card was also accompanied by a beautiful pot of orchids, which I will try my hand at keeping alive (I am notoriously bad at plants). Yay Valumtimes!

pretty!

I hope you have a happy day filled with chocolate and genitals!

to the rescue

I had always joked that I needed an Enhanced Driver’s License in case of emergency – if I ever needed to make an impromptu run for the border, I’d be able to do so at the drop of a hat. Therein lies the joke, see – what could possibly be an emergency that required leaving the country? Being out of Trader Joe’s trail mix is a terrible thing, but hardly an emergency. I would almost accept being desperate for good Mexican food, but if it were truly a matter of life and death, there are some passable places in Vancouver that are much easier to get to. And as much as we love Target for some reason, we don’t go there out of necessity – so what could be so critical that an unplanned expedition into the wilds of small town America has to happen immediately, with no time to fetch passports or ammo?

How about a motorcycle accident, with a (slightly) broken Josh?

Josh left Canada on Thursday to go riding/camping/being in Oregon for a while. He camped south of Mount Vernon on Camero Island for the night, but took a spill on his bike when heading out Friday morning and ultimately broke his collarbone. The bike is fine, but he was in a sling and trapped in a small town hospital (where they were amazed that he wasn’t on meth). We got word around noon that he needed rescuing, and we quickly took stock of our group: Shan was at work (with no passport), and couldn’t leave as she was the only one in the office – she wouldn’t be able to get Josh until the end of the day and after she had gone home to get ID and the van. Ed was in the middle of a multi-million dollar deal at work and crazy busy; it would be extremely difficult if not impossible for him to leave. Then there was me – I had my EDL, I drove the car into work that day to “run errands” (read: I was late and lazy), and have an awesome boss who would very likely understand the situation. I could be on the road in 4 minutes – just say the word. After some frantic calls back and forth and a quick talk with my boss (who wasn’t happy about my bailing but I’m making up the time in the office this afternoon to finish some work), I left the office at 12:30 to drive south and rescue Josh.

It was a long day, but I had Josh home by 9pm and in one piece. Travel insurance is a beautiful thing, and AAA/BCAA worked together to get his bike to the border and then to his house. We didn’t get axe murdered in the forest, met a real live Forest Ranger, saw a family of deer, and stopped at the duty-free for booze (Josh) and a huge bag of Urban Decay products (75% off cannot be beat). It took 410km and untold amounts of roaming long distance cell minutes, but he’s home and in a sling and full of prescription narcotics and that’s all that matters. I’m glad I was able to help out by getting him home, and thumb my nose at the naysayers who said the EDL is ridiculous – neener neener, there is too such a thing as an emergency run to the border, so there.

I have Secret Errands to run today, then I’m going into the office to finish some documentation I promised I’d have done yesterday afternoon. Sorry, guy – broken friend trumps making life easier for another company’s Help Desk, but I gotcha covered.

hooray for not being axe murdered!

oh deer!

caught ’em all

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Yesterday, to my complete and utter humiliation, I caught a computer virus.

It happened at work, and was bad enough that I needed to get Desktop Support to help me remove it from my system. I was – and still am – totally embarrassed about this, because I should be exempt from these kinds of things.

I know that getting a virus isn’t a big deal and that it happens to most people, but that’s just it – I’m NOT “most people”. I’ve always been “that girl”; the one who’s really good with computers. If I’m not actually working as Desktop Support, I’m often the next best thing – people come to me with a computer problem and yo I solve it, often while a disc jockey plays or “spins” a catchy tune nearby. I’m good at this stuff. I don’t HAVE computer issues, let alone ones I can’t fix myself.

It’s all just so .. unseemly. Even the story of how I contracted the virus is shameful on multiple levels – everyone at the office in the know (ie those that read my blog) assumes I contracted the bad compu-mojo because I was looking for porn, but that’s not it. I mean, I WAS looking for porn in an attempt to solve Rosemary’s mystery, but that’s not what caused my virus. The real reason is much, much more humiliating than porn. Hell, you know me – I don’t know that I’ve ever been embarrassed by porn before, and I’m not going to start now.

I caught the virus while looking for pictures of Pokémon.

:|

It was a really bad virus, too. Within seconds, it had disabled Sophos, redirected all my bookmarks to other virus sites, popped up dozens of messages saying all my files were infected and I should click here to fix them now. My browser had a thousand proxies added, and task manager was killed. In short, I was completely hosed – I couldn’t do a damn thing to remove it. After fiddling for several minutes and growing more chagrined by the second, I finally admitted defeat for the greater good: having my own machine infected was bad enough, but if I brought down the network or infected others, I’d be done for (possibly in more ways than one). I confessed my situation to the IT guy, and he unplugged me from the network and set about fixing my computer. It took almost 3 hours, but eventually things came back to life with a clean bill of health and I am left with little more than the memory of my ABJECT HUMILIATION and a healthy fear of pocket monsters of all kinds.

Maybe these people are onto something. Pokemans are EVILS of SATAN!

capitalist degeneration: fun for all

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Dear Kimli’s Boss:

Please excuse Kimli for being 7 minutes late for work this morning, as she was busy looking for lesbian porn.

Sincerely, the Internet.

I almost missed all the buses ever this morning because I dallied a little too long at my computer, trying to find a picture of two ladies kissing. It’s not my fault – Rosemary posted a girl-on-girl mystery that needs solving, and I’m never one to turn down a chance to play Nancy Drew. I didn’t have any luck during my brief search this morning, but the day is still young. You should play, too. Let’s solve the Mystery of the Bourgeois Decadence!

You know what’s not nearly as awesome as two ladies kissing? Being trapped in an elevator. Yesterday on my way home, the Spartan elevator broken down and I found myself trapped for several minutes. I wasn’t too worried – I had just done White Trash Groceries and wouldn’t starve – but I DID have to pee and I had almost no cell service. I’ve been wary of elevator help buttons after The Incident on Water Street, but after several minutes of standing around looking confused I finally pressed the button to get help. After all, I was completely trapped with bags of rapidly defrosting food and a full bladder – if ever there was a time I could use a knight in shiny armour to save the day, this would be it.

Yeeeeah, the help button in our elevator? Makes a doorbell sound. And that’s it. It’s not connected to a phone or walkie talkie or war room full of armoured knights waiting for damsels in distress – it just goes BONG! It didn’t help. I was seconds away from pulling out my phone to call 911 whine about my predicament on Twitter when the elevator made a huge lurch and started moving again. Hooray! None of the buttons were responding and my fob wouldn’t fob anything at all, but I made it to the first floor. That was good enough and I wasn’t about to get myself stuck again, so I hauled my trashy groceries upstairs and vowed to never leave home again .. which lasted for 30 minutes, because I realized we still had no mayonnaise and I really needed some.

The guy in the gas station was extremely confused at my mayo emergency.