I’m in Cuba, with no internet access! I’ll check in if/when I can, but in the meantime, enjoy this post from my archives!

Originally posted May 9th, 2002:

Conversations With My Mother

*ring ring*

Dee [editor’s note: this was still early in my blogging years; i went by my online name of DeeAy instead of my real name]: Hello?

Mom: Ahhh! Keem! You’re finally home! Everytime I try to call you’re in Edmonton or at work or just never home! Where do you go? Why don’t you answer the phone?

Dee: Hi, mom .. why don’t you call my cell phone? If I’m not home, I’ll have my cell phone with me and you can call me anytime. Dad has the number, or at least he should ..

Mom: Oh, but I can’t call that phone from work — you know how it is, with the customers and the stupid girls and I had to change my shift because my back hurts but you know how she is the stupid bitch and all the girls hate her but they’re so stupid they can’t sell anything and they don’t know how to close the till and my back hurts so I had to change my shift but the stupid girls don’t want to work with the boss because she’s such a bitch and I haven’t had a raise in 2 years but I can’t retire and I wish I could win the lottery and tell that old biddy where to go and maybe buy and house and so how are you?

Dee: Oh, you know .. things are fine. Work’s going good.

Mom: Have you lost any weight?

Dee: Yes, mom.

Mom: Well, how much?

Dee: 42 pounds.

Mom: Well, you keep at it — you have to eat your vitamins and healthy food and stop eating so much junk and maybe you can lose some weight because I eat my vitamins and only eat healthy food all the time (editor’s note: my mom eats KFC 4 times a week gl hf gg thx) and I eat vegetables too maybe you should eat vegetables to help you lose weight because you really need to lose weight or you’ll have heart attacks and diabetes and how’s Ed?

Dee: Ed’s fine, mom — still working. Stuff’s good!

Mom: I’m so tired after work I usually just go to Frank’s house because it’s closer than home but he’s such a pain we argue all the time so I only spend 3 or 4 nights a week there because I have to give him a bath because he’s still so helpless from his accident almost a year ago (editor’s note: this is where, if you listen really closely you can hear me scratching my eyes out with a plastic fork trying to get to my brain — if I can scrape off that hideous mental image, maybe I *won’t* try to drown myself later) he still can’t shower so I have to help him get clean and then he complains so much he’s like an old woman so I come home and cook for your father and I’m so tired I just stay here because my back hurts so what’s going on with your wedding?

Dee: What do you mean?

Mom: Well, can we stay with you in Calgary?

Dee: Can you WHAT? Why are you coming to Calgary? The wedding is in Edmonton, mom.

Mom: I know but we want to fly to Calgary before the wedding and get a ride up to Edmonton with you and where are we going to stay I don’t want to stay with your brother because Carolee is a bitch so can’t your poor parents stay with you for a night?

Dee: But mom, why would you fly to Calgary when the wedding is in Edmonton? I’ll be going up to Edmonton on Tuesday night and I’ll have people with me and my car is really small — I thought you and dad were going to fly to Edmonton and stay with Poh-Tee (mom’s cousin)?

Mom: Blah blah blah fly to Calgary blah blah stay with you blah blah Calgary blah blah back hurts blah blah?

Dee: Mom! Wait! You can’t fly to Calgary. There is no point for you to fly to Calgary. I won’t be able to drive you to Edmonton — my car will have luggage for 3 people for 2 weeks, plus Ed and Ali. I can’t possibly drive you up to Edmonton! It’s three hours away — WHY would you fly into Calgary?!

Mom: Where are we going to stay? Can we stay with you?

Dee: Mom, I’m staying at Ed’s parent’s place until the night before the wedding when I’ll be getting a hotel room with my friends.

Mom: Oh good idea it’s bad luck to see him before the wedding it might rain.

Dee: Umm, okay. Anyway, Ed’s parents are already going to have his grandparents and aunt and uncle and possibly even some children there, AND me and my friends — I don’t think there’s going to be any room. And his parents smoke. I’ll ask, but I really don’t think there will be room. What happened to staying with Poh-Tee? Dad said you already asked her!

Mom: I forgot.

Dee: You forgot? Don’t you think you should talk to her? *panic is creeping into my voice at this point*

Mom: I have to find her number, do you have it? I don’t know where your father puts these things.

Dee: I don’t have her number, no — but I talked to her at work. Look, you and dad fly into Edmonton on Wednesday and I will pick you up from the airport and take you to Poh-Tees — but I NEED YOU TO CALL HER and ask if you can stay with her!

Mom: What about the wedding? Your dad’s going to give you away so when are you coming to pick us up?

Dee: You want me .. to pick you up .. on the day of the wedding .. and DRIVE you there?!

Mom: Well you dad has to give you away so how are we supposed to get there?

Dee: *tearing out hair* I’ll have to think of something, mom. I’ll either pick you up or get someone to do it for me, okay? I’ll take care of it. Call Poh-Tee. Please.

Mom: Okay I will call her tonight or tomorrow but she might be at work so I will have to call her tomorrow and I will tell you what she says she is probably at work now so I will call tomorrow or tonight and then I will call you back and what do you want for your birthday?

Dee: What? Oh .. I have no idea. What about you? What do you want for YOUR birthday?

Mom: Oh you know what I want? I want a jockey.

Dee: You want a little man who rides a horse?

Mom: No, those jockey shirts. I want those. My back gets so cold and it hurts and if I get a draft my back is sore all the time so I want to get a jockey shirt to cover my back and I have to go to the chiropractor again.

Dee: *using all my powerful skills of mom-deeciphering at hand* Oh! You mean Jockey brand underwear — the undershirts! Like tank tops?

Mom: Yes, a jockey. Get me a large. I like black and grey. It will keep my back warm because it hurts and the boss is a bitch and those stupid girls can’t do anything right and it hurts my back because I have to pick up stuff they drop.

Dee: How about I just get you a gift certificate and let you buy them yourself?

Mom: Okay. I like the large ones to cover my back and do you want to talk to your dad?

Dee: OH GOD YES

Mom: Okay! Say hi to Ed!

Dad: Hello?

Dee: Dad, HELP! WHY IS SHE SAYING SHE WANTS TO FLY TO CALGARY?!

Dad: *saves the day*

Dee: *weeping with relief*

The End.

Now you know where I get it from. And now I have to go. Really looking forward to the rest of the day, let me tell you. I’m supposed to talk to three 13 year olds about women in the work place and about my job. Hi .. I’m Dee .. I sit here and use my work time to write really long updates and bitch about my co-workers .. work? Oh, I do that sometimes .. hey, have you seen our pop machine? It’s pretty cool!

I hate wedding panic. Less than four and a half months, and it feels like nothing’s getting done and no one wants to do anything. Can I pull off an entire wedding with just myself?

I’m on vacation, and I refuse to wear pants.

I will not wear them on the plane; I will not wear them in the rain.

I will not wear them while in Cuba; I will not dance in them to Luba.

I will not wear them on the beach; I will not wear them for a week.

We’re leaving for the airport in an hour. I’m exhausted from Got Craft, but SO EXCITED FOR CUBA OH MY GOD.

I’ve got auto-posts scheduled while I’m gone, so you won’t get lonely. I’ll check in when I can!

domo is pantless with me

One of the things I’ve heard repeatedly over the last month or so is that the food at Cuban resorts is pretty bland, because they try to appeal to our delicate Western palettes or something. I like my food like I like myself: spicy and out of control, so the thought of eating boring pale food for a week concerns not just me but also my traveling companions. We have a plan, though: we are bringing spices. Ed has packed a bottle of Frank’s Red Hot; I’ve got packets of peanut butter and chili flakes, and I’ve been hording McDonald’s salsa packets for weeks. Also, this:

tiny spice bottles !!!

While digging through our junk drawer for some tape, I came across these tiny tiny bottles from Daiso meant for portable soy sauce. I’m not too crazy about soy sauce, but I do love other flavours – so with the the help of a tiny tiny turkey baster shaped like a sunflower, I filled six bottles with:

• Frank’s Red Hot Buffalo Sauce (x3)
• Spicy and delicious balsamic vinegar
• Coarse black pepper
• Strawberry balsamic vinegar

They’re so small! The ridiculous girl in me thinks miniature things are adorable and astronomically better than large things (two obvious exceptions being paycheques and penises), so while Ed was pragmatically pointing out that I have empty travel-sized bottles I could use to hold a great deal more sauce, I happily ignored him to coo over my tiny wee mini bottles of squee. So cute!

Adorable bottles aside though, I am seriously bummed out. I have three shipments of things coming my way that I desperately hoped would arrived today – some new makeup, an underwater camera from Photojojo, and some LEGO pieces for my Heart Shaped Blox display. Unfortunately, the mailman came and went with only one envelope for me, containing exactly 12% of my LEGO order: the padded envelope had been ripped open and taped back up, with almost all of my ordered pieces missing. I’m sad I won’t have the underwater camera or makeup for my trip, but really choked about the missing LEGO – yes, I have a display ready to go and it’s really awesome, but I wanted to go on a crafting blitz tomorrow and make more Heart Shaped Blox for Got Craft (because I keep selling the pieces I had set aside for myself), and now I don’t have enough supplies. I am sad.

.. okay, slightly less sad – while typing this up, my underwater camera got delivered. HOORAY! Pictures of fishies, STAT!

Still sad about the LEGO, though.

It’s easy to tell when there’s a soccer game going on, because it’s pretty much impossible to enter or leave my neighbourhood. Also, it’s very loud – there’s a lot of singing and cheering going on. I never really knew what it was all about, but last night Shan managed to score 4 free tickets to a game against the Montreal Impact. We’ve been talking about going to a soccer game since they started playing next to my house, and last night was as good a night for free sports as any, so off we went.

It turns out all the noise is made by the Vancouver Southsiders, who are the official rabid soccer fanboys of the Whitecaps FC and are completely awesome. Our seats happened to be two sections away from their official areas, so we got to watch the singing and chanting up close and personal like. It was hilarious and infectious, and I loved it:

loud noises!

tot is the head coach of the whitecaps

soccer at the foot of grouse mountain is awesome

it took most of the game before someone realized you could rhyme "pink" with "stink"

I am juggling several birthday celebration ideas, and it just so happens there’s a Whitecaps game on my birthday. HMMMM.

It was a jolly, if somewhat chilly, evening.

what up, wooden rollycoaster

I’ve tried a thousand times to make some words happen this morning, but everything I want to say sounds hollow and wrong. I thought about blogging about nothing in particular, but that felt disrespectful in a dozen different ways. In the end, my words are as self-serving as always – I’m trying to make myself feel better, the only way I know how.

The universe is a little less awesome today – last night, Derek K. Miller lost his battle with cancer. Derek was widely loved throughout the entire Vancouver online scene – everyone I know either knew or knew of Derek and had nothing but glowing things to say about him. He was, in all possible ways, a good egg: funny, talented, inspiring. To say that he will be missed is a vast understatement: Derek brought so much to everything he did. It was incredible to watch the energy around him and see how he could make a huge impact just by being present – he was truly respected, and I wish – especially for Airdrie and his two daughters, from whom he was taken entirely too soon – that we all had more time with him to learn how to live and love as selflessly as he did.

I am in awe at the grace and dignity that Derek and Airdrie both showed throughout his entire illness. I can only hope that when it is my time to go, I can do so with even a tenth of the strength they had.

If you haven’t read Derek’s last blog post, I implore you to do so.

We love and miss you, Derek.

This is what I’ve been working on for Got Craft for the last month:

forever in debt to your priceless advice

Heart-shaped necklaces made of genuine LEGO pieces and assorted shiny metals – it’s the ultimate in geek chic. They come in a bunch of different colours and combos, and are $10 each. Come find me at Got Craft next Sunday and get a piece of awesome to wear around your neck! Each necklace is made with love (and pliers)!

I’ll also have Smuttons available for you to paw through, AND as a special treat to cheer myself up, I’m doing a giveaway: come check out the Sassy Contessa table (which is Miranda’s gig; I’m just riding her coattails to sell LEGO and porn) and say the SECRET PHRASE, and you will receive two free Smuttons to shock and titillate your friends and family. Free stuff! Hooray! Are you ready for the SECRET PHRASE? Here you go:

WINDMILLS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!

It’s a line from my favourite Futurama episode, and it makes me laugh. Say it to me at Got Craft on Sunday and receive some free Smuttons! Hope to see you there!

support indie crafts! buy some heart shaped blox!

blue and copper

If you’re interested in a LEGO necklace and aren’t in Vancouver/can’t make it to Got Craft this Sunday, email me at kimli at delicious juice – they are mailable! :) I might also be at other craft shows this summer, but I’ll post about those when I know more!

The good news is that I likely don’t have vitiligo or hypopigmentation. Hooray! The bad news, however, is that when someone tells you to use hydrocortisone cream sparingly, you better fucking listen.

I’ve been using a prescribed steroid cream to combat my zombie face, which is considerably better these days. Unfortunately, I got used to slathering the cream on at the first sign of dry skin to avoid an outbreak of full-fledged zombism, and this reckless abuse of prescription drugs has left me with three noticeably lighter patches of skin on my face – one on each side of my chin, and between my eyes.

When I first saw the white patches, I didn’t think much of it. It was only when I realized they weren’t going away (and that there was more than one, all in areas that were the most undead of them all) that I started to panic and immediately jump to conclusions mostly involving leprosy and syphilis. After I calmed down and stopped trolling Web MD, I thought a little harder and realized the likely culprit was my gleeful overindulgence of steroid cream, a theory confirmed by additional internetting. I’m now slightly whiter in some places than I was a while ago, and it will be very interesting to see what Cuba’s sun will do to me – will my skin tone even out, or will I turn additional colours? Exciting!

I had a very productive weekend, becoming a honky aside. On Saturday I was up ridiculously early for an extremely fruitful jaunt to America – with Shan, Miranda and Heather, I stocked up on Trader Joe’s, travel items and gifts for Cubans, and all the dresses in the world (including an honest-to-Stan prom dress with so much tulle I couldn’t possibly pass it up). I had to repack for our trip when we got home, but as we were home by 5pm I had the whole evening to pack and repack to my heart’s content. I am now really, really ready for our trip. Let’s go!

On Sunday, my house will filled with estrogen as we crafted the afternoon away. I made more stock for Got Craft and finalized my awesome display – all I have left to do is make some signage and I’m all set. People often laugh at my anal retentive tendencies and gun-jumping ways, but I’m calm and have ample time to tackle whatever challenges the week may throw me because I don’t have to scramble to prep for next Sunday’s Epic Adventure. Yay!

I really wish I didn’t have this massive boner of a headache, though.

printer pinata!

No wonder guys hate wearing ties so much – how can you show any cleavage if you’re all bundled up in a tie?

no talent ass clown

This is the most covered up I’ve been since .. um .. before I got boobs, probably. 1979 or so.

We’re having an Office Space party at work today, complete with printer scene. It’s gonna be awesome – pictures to come, I hope.

I’m Out vs. I’m In – what’s the difference?

I’m Out has a long list of excuses things that have more meaning in his life than a night out drinking terrible beer with strangers, whereas I’m In has a long list of casual acquaintances who wouldn’t be able to tell you his last name.

I’m Out has paperwork – mortgage papers, offers of employment, ticket stubs from concerts and games – and well, so does I’m In: paternity tests, final notices, citations for public drunkenness, STD medication, phone numbers from desperate women who are a hard-ridden 4 at best.

I’m Out is up bright and early to go to his awesome job that pays him the salary that funds his comfortable and fun life and allows him to go on trips or buy new toys, whereas I’m In is still out (cold on a bench in a park and moments away from being asked to “move along, sir” with the help of a beat stick).

Sure, sometimes I’m In makes it home in one piece and with all his clothing intact, but he’d have way better stories .. if he could actually remember what happened last night before he blacked out in a puddle of someone else’s vomit.

I’m In is a total collar-popping douchebag who has no respect for anyone (especially himself).

I’m Out, by virtue of not wanting to go to the bar to drink Bud Light on a fucking weeknight, is somehow supposed to look lame in comparison.

I know which one I’D rather mount at night. How about you?

Last month I stumbled upon Hatchcraft, makers of bamboo shadow boxes to display your Instagram photos. I immediately ordered a bunch of them, because getting prints of my iPhone images makes me very, very happy. They arrived last week, but I’ve been too busy admiring them to mention it until now:

click to embiggen the pretty

Besides the delicious irony of using Hipstamatic to take pictures of my Instagram prints, the boxes are *gorgeous*. Hatchcraft prints your images on special photo paper of extreme fanciness for long lasting pretty, and the boxes themselves are made of bamboo and come in three shades of woodiness. I ordered four, but one was a print of this picture of Hobbs that I ordered specifically for Ed, since they are completely gay for each other. The other three are for my desk and feature some of my favourite Instagram shots I’ve taken. I’m really impressed with how they turned out – if you’re looking for an awesome way to display some of your pretties, get some Boo Boxes from Hatchcraft. Your images will show up on the Gallery – you can see what I and other people have ordered. Fun!

Hipstamatic also does photo printing – they come in sets of 9 in a neat package that doubles as a display. I’ve decided that I am doing an Art Installation, so I’ve ordered a bunch of Hipstamatic prints that all fall into a theme – I’m going to mount them somewhere, and call it Art. I can do that, right? I am a sensitive artist!

I like iPhone photography.