So, this happened:

blah blah aren’t the droids i’m looking for blah

It’s a Samsung Galaxy Player 5.0.

Why? Well, two good reasons:

1. I hate the fact that there’s a widely-used OS out there that I know nothing about, so I wanted to try out Android for myself
2. Part of my job will involve diddling Androids, and I much prefer diddling my own instead of that which has been diddled by so many before me

And two terrible reasons:

1. NEW. TOY.
2. .. there are three Kairosoft games available for Android (Cafeteria Nipponica, Dungeon Village, and World Cruise Story) that aren’t available for iOS, and I want them

I had been thinking about getting a tablet for a while, but I know giving up my iPad was the right choice. I never used it, and anything I might want to do on an iPad I can do at work on any of the dozens of tablets there. In my (utterly awesome) new job, I could be asked to work some magic on Android at any time, and I really know nothing about it – and as a proud nerd with a boner for mobile technology, I hate being in the dark about something so common. With that in mind, I started to research Android tablets, but I still wasn’t ready to spend so much money on something that’s little more than a passing curiosity on my part. It would take far greater than a professional itch to make me give up my beloved iPhone, so getting some sort of fancy new telephonic device was out. Finally, after spending a day making terrible jokes about a dropped iPod Touch and football, I realized the answer was sitting in front of me: I was looking for the Android equivalent of an iPod Touch. Twitter came through with some good suggestions, and I settled on the Samsung Galaxy Player pictured above.

Of course, it’s never really that easy – for the most part, the 5.0 isn’t available in Canada. I planned on driving down to Bellingham to pick one up when I decided to Google a little bit harder, and lo – I found it on the Staples.ca website, for $20 less than Best Buy.usa. Hooray! I ordered it on Thursday, and it arrived at my office yesterday afternoon.

I’m still learning my way around Android, but the biggest difference so far is the size – the ‘droid is fucking HUGE. In fact, I named it The Behemoth. It has a 5″ screen, and it’s just enormous next to my iPhone. Still, the size makes me really glad I didn’t opt for a tablet after all – the Galaxy is basically a tiny tablet for tiny elf hands, like mine. I know I could have spent a little more and gotten a 7″ Galaxy Tab instead, but I’m pleased I went this route. It’s small enough to carry around in case I need to solve any iOS vs. Android arguments, I get to play exciting new games that I can’t get on my iPhone, and I didn’t spend a bajillion dollars on it. Also, I’m learning. Learning is good.

The Behemoth is so large, in fact, that it doesn’t fit in any of the cases or pouches I have, so I’m gonna sew one up. New toy AND I get to practice sewing? Buying it was such a good idea! I am so smart.

For size comparison, here is the Behemoth next to Tunnel Snakes Rule (my iPhone), Ed’s work Blackberry, my iPod Nano (shut up, I love my Apple products), and the new portable battery charger I had to get because the voltage changed from the 4 to the 4s and my old charger didn’t work anymore:

i’m connected to the internet SO MANY TIMES

FOR LEARNING!

I’ve been trying to take better care of my unmentionables – mithril ain’t cheap – but yesterday I must have been doing some sort of crazy ninja moves, because I somehow broke not one but TWO underwires in my bra. I spent much of the morning digging for treasure in my right chest before I gave up and went to inspect the damage (barely remembering to leave the room to do so) – a jagged underwire, a bloody gouge, and a lot of swearing.  I resigned myself to an afternoon of lopsided cleavage, but a loud metallic “TWANG!” sounded from my left chest shortly after: unable to bear the load meant to be shared across two, my left underwire went down for the count and snapped in half. Sure, it solved my worries about being lopsided, but now I was a danger to myself and others; much more so than usual. Between the limping and my lethally untethered lady melons, Thursday was just not a good day. I was glad when it was over.

My foot was on the fast track to getting better, but on Wednesday after work I forgot that I was broken all over and I .. jumped off the bus. No, I don’t know why I did it. Yes, it was a monumentally stupid thing to do. By the time I hobbled home, I was in so much pain that I was in tears – I couldn’t put ANY weight on the foot at all, and there was swelling where there ought not be any swelling. Ed dug my hated air cast out of the closet and I tried it on, but if anything it made things worse and I couldn’t get it off fast enough. I didn’t want to go back to the ER – among other reasons, it was Pork Night and dinner was in the oven – so I spent the evening alternately hopping around on one leg, crawling, and demanding Ed fetch things for me in a lofty manner (the demanding, not the fetching).

There just might be something to this whole “just keep off it” thing after all, because after a night of sleep my foot was a lot better. I was still limping, but I could actually put it down on the ground without crying out; a marked improvement from the night before. It still hurts, but maybe if I stop trying to DO lol sports instead of just writing about them, I might actually heal and stuff. That’d be super!

So hey, have you voted for me yet? That would also be super.

I have a headache, spring has passed Vancouver over, and May 4th is rapidly shaping up to be a day where cool people leave the planet far too soon. Celebrate your life, people. Live it like it’s the most amazing thing you’ll ever do.

i’d like to thank the academy

If the voting ends RIGHT NOW, I might have a chance of winning. I already know I won’t – personal blogs were tossed in with not-all-that-personal – but hey, it was an honour to nominate myself.

You can vote once every 24 hours per IP address. So if you like me (and want to see my boobs at some point), vote for me! If you want to, that is. I’ll likely show you my boobs whether you vote for me or not.

The polls are open until May 13th, so .. have at it, and what not.

If my blog were much more personal, you’d all be in the examination room with me and the 19 medical interns with flashlights.

I AM GOOD AT SPORTS

My job is officially now “lol sports”. Being an astronaut was great while it lasted and I had fun as a mad scientist .. but right now, lol sports is where it’s at.

Did you know that a score box and a box score are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS?!

I am learning!

worst. round. ever.

Mom did add a few new things that made me laugh out loud, though:

• “What a queer!” (my mom apparently watches Glee)
• “Don’t be a rebel” (clearly she does not know me AT ALL)
• “Keep quiet” (hahahah)

I also forgot to add her hockey analysis, too. If this keeps up, I’ll have enough for a whole series of Crazy Mom Bingo Cards!

I am a terrible daughter.

I did drag Ed to the ER last night for my foot, for all the good it did me (hint: none). It didn’t take nearly as long as my last hospital trip did for a dislocated shoulder, but I didn’t get any fun laughing gas this time. They took several x-rays, I got poked at, and eventually they sent me home with “well, if it still hurts in two weeks, come back”. That isn’t really helpful – if my foot still hurts like this in two weeks, I’m going to be a very angry basket case. Also, the x-rays didn’t show a break at all – shit hurts so bad I figured I’d be broken in nine places – so the stereotypically handsome doctor man opined that it could be a ligament problem, or a break that will show up after many days of painful limping. That sucks. However, he did give me a very interesting diagnosis: my foot ligaments are weak like kittens, and I should spend as much time as possible in bare feet to strengthen them up. OKAY! I CAN DO THAT! I hate wearing shoes; they’re like pants for your feet.

I told the doctor my history with the League of Disastrous Foot Men, and he said there was no way I should have been prescribed orthotic robot feet because they’d make things much, much worse. This was exactly my line of thinking the entire time I had the robot feet, because it was while wearing them that I had the worst foot pain of my life. I stopped wearing them when I couldn’t take the feeling of my knees rotting from the inside out for a second longer, and eventually things got a lot better. I’m often guilty of ignoring medical advice, but in this instance it turned out to be the best course of action. I love being validated and also able to walk!

So, here I am. My foot hurts like crazy, walking is a terrible adventure in loud swearing and wincing, and as I expected, there’s Shit Fuck All I can do about it. Whee!

Also, being at the hospital without a) taking off my pants and b) having a series of strangers all looking up in my lady business like it’s an interesting new species of sea life is really weird.

All that said, things are great. I love my job to a ridiculous degree, our house didn’t burn down last night, I am exceptionally cute today, and it’s the first of May – summer is almost here, which means barefoot good times and BBQ’d meat. Then? LONDON!

Oh right, the house: last night around 9, Ed called me into the living room to help Find the Smell. For over an hour last night, there was an impossibly strong stench of burning electricals all up in the air – it was bad enough that we started to feel all weird from the chemical smelliness of it all. We unplugged things, turn off power  bars, and sniffed at anything that had wires in case they were the source of the burning – and nothing. The smell only started to dissipate after we opened all the windows and after several hours, but it was still around this morning. Ed is stressed out, convinced the house is going to explode while we’re at work. I’m annoyed, because we JUST got rid of the Hobo Poop Pot Smoke and now there’s a new horrible smell. WHY MUST THINGS BE SO DIFFICULT AND/OR SMELLY? IT IS SAD TIMES FOR MY FOOT AND NOSE.

So, there’s a mystery. Hopefully we solve it soon. Like, before all our electronics burn up in the atmosphere.

I am pleased for May!

My feet have been exceptionally well-behaved over the past few years, and I’m not really eager to change that any time soon.  Yes, they still get sore – but I’m actually able to walk and I’m rarely in pain to the point of tears after a day of heavy marching. I was able to wander all around London last year, and only needed to take foot breaks on our last full day there. This is a vast, vast improvement from even 5 years ago, when we kept a pair of crutches handy in case I needed them to get from the car to our front door. I know this makes me sound like some kind of broken-down old lady, but my feet were really, really bad.

So, things have been great for a while. I can walk and frolic and dance (when no one is watching). Hooray!

Except .. I think I may have broken my left foot.

It’s really hard for me to walk (heh) that fine line between hypochondria and laissez-faire. If I freaked out at every little twinge or crack or sharp stabbing pain, I’d be at the doctor’s office all the damn time. I know I’m prone to stress fractures, and I know there is Shit Fuck All that can be done about them when they happen. My “doctor” (still just a glorified walk-in clinic doctor who is terrified of my vagina) would go “huh” and send me off for eventual x-rays and MAYBE refer me to foot specialist (hopefully not the one who GAVE UP ON ME because my problem is too complicated) (or the other one who dismissed me, insisting my problem was my non-existent diabeetus); neither of which would do much to solve my immediate issue of “ow ow ow ow ow ow ow”.

And that’s where we are now: I hurt. At first I thought I was just experiencing muscle soreness from prancing around town in bad shoes, but the pain has gotten steadily worse and now I can’t put any weight on my left foot. I’m limping around pitifully, and each step makes me wince and swear and cry. I don’t much care for this at all – but how MUCH do I not care for it? Wait-and-see enough? Two-Advil-and-hope-for-the-best enough? Or actual, serous ER-enough? If I’m being honest, I’d have to admit that it’s kind of really past annoying-hurty and is forging bravely onward to worry-hurty to sell our children’s organs to zoos for meat and go into people’s houses at night to wreck up the place. Is this just an exciting new chapter in pain and suffering? Or should I ignore that inner voice that tells me I shouldn’t bother doctors with my stupid little problems and get myself checked out?

In 60 years or so, I’m going to be the one having the heart attack and asking the Web 5.0 what I should do about it instead of summoning an ambulance with my mind.

My mother called while I was out for a million-hour brunch with friends. I jokingly asked one of them to answer the call, and they all – a little too eagerly – leapt at the chance. I had to wrest my phone away from Gill so I could force the call to voicemail. It’s not that I don’t want my friends to talk to my mother; rather, I was saving myself from the inevitable 3-hour conversation later this evening trying to explain to her who those people were, why they were talking to her, and just how did they know about the bucket.

Being the dutiful daughter I am, I will return my mother’s phone call now that I’m home for the afternoon. Here are some things I predict my mother will say to me when we talk:

• Do your best
• Hard work never killed anyone
• You never know
• Just pray to daddy
• Go slow, don’t be in a rush
• Hard work doesn’t hurt
• Pay your mortgage

.. you know, this would work better in another format:

the prize is a bag of half-empty miniature liquor bottles from 1973

Now I can’t WAIT for our phone call – I wonder what would happen if I yelled out BINGO! halfway through our conversation.

Between the wedding, my new job and the annoying need to sleep now and again, I’ve had very little time to get into trouble. What free time I DO have has been more or less completely occupied with the following:

Bullistic Unleashed

Universal
Genre: Angry Birds with blood and guts
Price: $0.99 (possible launch price)

For all the carnage you bring down on those smirking asshole pigs, there’s very little blood and gore in Angry Birds. Enter the Bulls – they’re pissed off (at the mall, for some reason) and they’re going to Fuck. Shit. Up. Fling the bulls around and cause as much damage as you possibly can to advance, punch shoppers in the face if they get to close, and have sex with saucy girl cows. Yeah, there’s cow sex. You know you’re curious. The game is a blast, occasionally frustrating, and absolutely worth the dollar. Get it now, so the developers will release new content!

Siege Hero

Universal
Genre: Angry Birds with fair maidens
Price: FREE (sale price)

I know there are a million and one Angry Bird clones out there, but Siege Hero is one of the best – I like it far more than the original. It’s got a massive amount of content, and right now it’s FREE – go get it, save some maidens, and give the dastardly villains their due. It’ll keep you entertained for hours, which is a pretty good deal for the low low price of absolutely nothing.

Sky Gnomes

Universal
Genre: Gnome Racing!
Price: $0.99

Tired of flinging things? How about dropping gnomes out of the sky instead? Sky Gnomes is an online racing game with daily tournaments to enter. Race against others, mod your vehicle to take advantage of the environment, and earn coins and spare parts to upgrade your power-ups. I’ve been having a great deal of fun with Sky Gnomes, and can’t wait to see what they’re going to come out with next. It’s a really well done app, great for fast play, and before long you’ll find yourself purchasing in-app bonus packs so you can come out on top because I HATE LOSING. That may be just me, though. It’s completely playable without the IAP; I just .. like giving my money away.

Swordigo

Universal
Genre: RPG with flaming swords!
Price: $1.99

To be perfectly honest, Swordigo is a Zelda clone. However, it’s a very GOOD Zelda clone, and is worth a play if you like RPGs (and only communists don’t like RPGs). Swordigo is a side-scrolling RPG with quests and magic and that noise from Zelda that played whenever you found something useful. Keep an eye out for sales if $2 is too rich for your blood, but it’s definitely worth the asking price based on length of gameplay alone.

Saturday Morning RPG

Universal
Genre: An RPG based on Saturday Morning cartoons from the 80s
Price: Free to download and for the first episode; subsequent episodes will be $1.99

This game is awesome. It’s immediately nostalgic – your inventory and profile is in a Trapper Keeper – and is really funny (one of the quests is to stop all the downloadin’). A lot of thought and detail went into this game, and it’s a blast to play. Combat is a little clunky at times, but it’s rarely noticeable because you’ll be having too much fun choosing your weapons and power-ups (you can injure enemies by transforming into a big semi truck. Gee, I wonder why I like this game so much?). Even if you don’t want to pay for episode 2 and later updates, it’s free to play the first chapter and is a great way to keep yourself out of trouble for a little while as you wait for your Doomsday device to charge up. Go get it.

There, those should keep you busy for a while. Have at them! I’ve got sports ball to learn!

The story of how Josh and Shan met is a complicated one, with more than half a dozen people taking credit for their relationship (myself and Ed included). Shan wanted to tell the story of how they met at their wedding, but it’s very hard to follow if you’re not Rain Man .. so I did what I always do when something is complicated: I made a flow chart.

tech writers gotta tech write

Shan wanted a flow chart in the style of the VC Andrews ones I’d done, and I was happy to oblige. Unfortunately, the “how we met” portion of the evening was forgotten amongst the excitement of the wedding day, but the flow chart was available for viewing during the post-wedding brunch and has been posted on Josh and Shan’s wedding site, Facebook, and now here.

I like flow chartin’.