I am going to assume that it’s in everyone’s best interest that I am able to be online while in Europe. Admit it – you want to read my updates and tweets about pay toilets and queuing and baguettes while I’m gone. There are other reasons to stay connected too – the internet often tells me where I am when I can’t figure it out on my own, and the Find My iPhone app will be fantastic if (when) the three of us get separated. Plus, Instagram. If I had internet, you could follow my adventures on Instagram and it’d almost be like you were in London and Paris with us. There is absolutely no downside to my having 3G in Europe.

So, how do I make that happen?

I know I need to get a UK sim card; one that has a data plan. Hell, it can only have a data plan for all I care – I don’t use the phone locally; I’m sure not gonna use it while having Fancy Adventure Times overseas. I’ve heard from several sources that I’ll need a sim card cutter to make the card micro sized, if I’m not able to get one already made tiny. That can be Amazon’d or eBay’d with ease, but it’s the getting a pre-paid UK sim card part that is confounding me – how do I make it go? I’ve been directed to several UK carriers that have EXACTLY what I need (by the way, $7 for unlimited data is disgusting – we are getting so ripped off in Canada), but they don’t ship internationally or accept non-UK credit cards.

Help!

What’s the best way for me to go about getting three iPhone 4 UK sim cards with data only?

ten points for gryffindor. also, everyone always laughs at the stuff I have - but who else would just so happen to have a gay rainbow lightning bolt sticker available on the off chance I ever needed to dress like Harry Potter for 15 seconds? no one. only me. i win this exact situation and everything else forever.

Since when has the law been a “do as we say and not as we do” kind of thing?

On my way home I saw:

• A policeman in an unmarked car using his dashboard computer while driving (I was directly behind him in traffic and could clearly see his head pointed at the screen with an occasional glance up to make sure didn’t hit anyone)
• A firetruck in non-emergency mode making an illegal left-hand turn at Main and Pender (no left turns between 7am and 6pm; it was 5:15)
• Another policeman talking on his cell phone while driving down Main Street towards Hastings

.. not to mention the usual assortment of assclowns and dong horfers who tried to run me down or pull up on my right side when I was clearly waiting to turn right with my signal on.

What the fuck, people.

Shame on you, @VancouverPD. How can we expect you to eventually lay charges in connection with the riots sometime in the next 5 years if you can’t even follow your own stupid traffic laws?

What, you’ve never seen a girl riding a scooter in a skirt and shin guards before? Stop staring. You know you’re just mad you didn’t think of it first, Smirky McBusiness Casual. Score is me: 1, you: negative six million.

sexy. you know it.

I am using all my powers of hyperbole and sarcasm to try and make this presentation on PCI Data Security interesting, and it is not going well. I’ve managed to squeeze in a reference to Devastator – it’s not much, but it’s a start. Maybe I’ll throw in some pictures of Vault Boy. He jazzes things up nicely in a pinch.

I’m tired.

I absolutely cannot get enough of things that shit rainbows:

Muffin Knight and Jetpack Joyride – $0.99 each; untold hours of lost productivity. It took me a while to fully get the point of Muffin Knight, but once I did .. well, I was up until 3:30am playing. Both are awesome. Both will suck you in like an enthusiastic strumpet on job evaluation day. Get them now, or forever be without things that shit rainbows.

The entire universe knows my stance on A2M – never do it, ever ever ever – so accordingly, nothing kills my lady boner while reading erotica faster than coming across a scene of A2M. Ooh yeah that’s hot slap that ass and lick that clit and BAM someone in the corner goes A2M and that’s the end of it for me. Even badly written fictional characters can never go A2M. Why this isn’t a universal truth is completely beyond me.

Welcome home, Kienan Hebert – glad you’re back. The happy ending everyone hopes for but rarely comes true is a reality in this case, and that’s awesome. I do have a theory about the whole thing, though – the suspected kidnapper, Randall Hopley, has a history of child abduction. He took some kid a few years back, but it was a misguided attempt to return a foster child to his birth parents. I don’t know why I think this, and this is simply my own theory so don’t go quoting me as a source or anything, but Kienan is the youngest child in a family with eight kids, including one with serious health issues. I have a feeling that if Hopley took the kid, it was because he thought Kienan was being neglected and was sad – not for any nefarious purposes (other than, you know, stealing a child). Just a hunch. I’m probably wrong given that I am a mere outsider with rainbows on the brain, but it was interesting to think about.

9/11: they said “Never Forget” and I never will, but I am seriously squicked out by the sheer amount of grief porn going on today. I won’t be watching TV or reading the news, and instead having my own private memorial inside my head. I know ten years is a milestone number, but I’m pretty sure “submerging yourself in televised memorials and drawing out your pain for people to gawk at” isn’t a step in the healing process.

Today there will be passports and pie.

After Operation: Panties failed miserably yesterday, I spent several hours buying underwear on eBay. This can only be the best idea I’ve ever had!

I am ruing the lost of my hard drive with all my music on it.

Old insecurities are creeping back in, making me doubt everything about myself. Hello there, low self esteem – I didn’t really miss you, you know. But now that you’re here, why don’t you just go ahead and tell me all the things that are wrong with me? Have a seat; this’ll likely take a while.

nature is nifty.

Everyone knows the image of Che Guevara worn by “cool” people who rarely know anything about the man on their shirt or the sheer irony of the statement they’re making, but today was the first time I’d ever seen it taken to this level:

i .. um .. WHAT??!

I can’t even count to the number of levels of confusion this shirt brings me. It’s a big number. I may need an abacus.

I’m not sure whether to be amused or horrified that my job contains actual InfoPath emergencies.

At any rate, I am BEYOND AMUSED that my bad influence seems to be spreading throughout the company. I just received a template for an internal document that includes things like:

Recent Issues

• June: No issues
• July: Godzilla destroyed power plant in southern Ontario; 23 locations without power for 2 days

What are our objectives?

• Synergize analysis and analyze synergies
• Network diversity to thwart imminent Mothra attack

.. snort. This is the first time I’ve seen Kimli-like ridiculousness in a document that I didn’t create. I tip my bonnet to you, good sir.

Ed has a cold, and I either have it – am getting it – or am mutating it into an all-new disease that will spread like wildfire and doom 99.4% of humanity, and no amount of movies starring Dustin Hoffman can stop it. While Ed is full of mucous and grossness, I am beyond tired, beyond listless, beyond Thunder Dome. I’ve been getting 7-8 hours of sleep a night and sleeping straight through except for when glass shatters in my bathroom at 3am, but I am so achy and out of it that I must be germ-laden and about to be declared Patient Zero for something horrible. Maybe they’ll name it after me. I’m not satisfied with my 15 minutes of fame coming in 10-second chunks; I want my name to be synonymous with something. Sure, I’d prefer that “the Kimli” mean something great rather than a disease that kills you all, but I’ll take what I can get. I want a Wikipedia entry.

Wait, what was I talking about?

I’m so tired.

zzzzzzzzzz

This bacon is inedible:

gross.

This is glorious bacon:

yummy yum yum

Disgusting:

barf.

Wonderful:

brava! bellissima!

I like my bacon so crispy it breaks when you look at it. Floppy greasy moist bacon is a crime against the pig that died to provide it.

Discuss.

Longest long weekend ever. I’m almost glad to be back to work, if only because I can snooze a little while editing stuff – I’m tired. Is it Friday yet?

The weekend was non-stop, starting on Thursday evening. We had a great visit with Ed’s parents, who were duly impressed with both Sparta and the sparkling cleanness of it all. We went everywhere (including the middle of the ocean) and ate out so much I am kind of sick of food, but it was cool to hang out with them and show them all our favourite places. Hopefully it won’t be three years until the next visit!

An update on Lola: I did get her back before we left for Seattle last week, and she’s riding so much better. It’s awesome to have her back, especially since the weather has been just incredible – okay, I’ve been too busy to actually DO much riding, but at least I can dream about it. Plus, I have no real plans this weekend so I plan to do a lot of riding if this weather holds out.

So, there’s that. Of course, not everything went as planned: both the shop and Piaggio USA (who took over for Vespa Canada when it disappeared) refused to honour the warranty. We had to pay $670 out of pocket to get her back, which is less than we had expected the bill to be but still $670 we shouldn’t have to pay at all. My only recourse at this point is to go after Costco Canada, which I will be doing this week. I hate this – I am no good at Going After people, even if I have a valid case to make. I’m bummed that neither organization was willing to step forward to even meet us halfway on the cost of the repair, which I would have been satisfied with, in the name of customer service or being at least apologetic for the situation.

Anyone know how to get in touch with anyone at Costco who’d actually have the power to help?

sploooooosh

It took almost 20 years, but I’ve finally seen something so terrible online that I’m throwing in my jizz rag and quitting the internet:

JESUS CHRIST WHY WOULD YOU EVER SAY THAT TO SOMEONE YOU ENORMOUS CREEPY ASSWAD

You’ll have to pretend that there’s an Instagram picture in there, a self portrait of some girl’s thong-clad ass. Apparently camwhores are up with the times and no longer lurk on Geocities or Penis Chat Roulette, but instead use current photo sharing tools to take self-serving pictures at deceptively flattering MySpace angles so random-ass creepers will fawn over them. Of course, there’s fawning and then there’s .. that. It made me do a full body shudder. I can’t think of a single thing you could possibly say that would be less erotic when faced with someone’s ass and/or labia. I quit the goddamn internet*. Happy now? You win.

*: until tomorrow :P