poetry!
Henceforth I insist that all package status updates be delivered in Haiku form.
Departure from in/
ward office of exchange – Van/
couver Canada
Package is delayed
Customs has opened your goods
Nice discount panties!
There’s no way that dress
Will cover your pasty ass
Keep on dreaming, though.
Your mail will be late
A conspiracy?
No, we just hate you.
.. I could do this all day, but things need speccin’.
I wasn’t in the office on Thursday due to a sinus migraine (or as I like to call them, snigraine), and people were busy:
LATEX EXPLOSION
I still don’t know who was responsible, but I truly appreciated the unexpected surprise. I didn’t know what to do with all the balloons, though .. so we made it someone else’s problem:
it doesn’t count as recycling if you have fun while doing it
They fit much better in Scott’s office, and the best part is he’ll blame someone else. Hooray!
Seriously, though. I laughed a lot. Good times!
According to Wikipedia, the only important thing that happened on March 30th 2001 was the discontinuation of the Sega Dreamcast.
Hmpf.
Delicious Juice Dot Com is twelve years old today. That is .. so many words. Just think of what I could accomplished if I put all that energy towards something useful!
Okay, that’s not fair – this blog has always been exactly what I needed at the time. I would likely explode with feelings if I didn’t have this blog as an outlet, and as always, I am grateful for anyone on this ride with me.
Twelve is SO MANY!
I wrote two complete blog posts today that I can’t publish because they’re both incoherent with rage and unresolved issues. I should just delete them both before I get myself in trouble, but they’re lurking in my drafts folder. Perhaps one day I’ll calm down enough to extract the logic from the emotion and write something meaningful, but at the moment it’s just a heaping pile of anger and incredulousness – it’s best to keep those pent up inside, where they can fester quietly as a mental illness.
So, there’s nothing to see here. If you want something to see, you should check out my #rando tumblr – there’s lots to laugh at over there. Here, not so much. I’m at home with a yucky sinus cold and all I want to do is sleep and drill a hole into my face, but I have to taxi Ed around in a couple hours so I should probably hose the grossness off. Not the best start to a much-needed long weekend, but I’ll take it (and milk the whining for all it’s worth).
To the tumblrs with you!
I’ve been using Rando since I posted about it last week, and I had been struck by several things – receiving new pictures took forever, and there was an extremely surprising lack of boners. You would think that, given the anonymous picture-sharing nature of the app, boners would be among the very first images sent out (guys just love to take pictures of their junk – seriously, what’s up with that) – but no. No boners. I received dozens of pictures, but not a single erection. As I am a somewhat closeted conspiracy theorist, there was only one possible reason for both the innocent nature of every image I received AND the length of time it took to get a response: someone was manually screening the random photos and deleting any naughty scenes.
My second theory was that someone had invented the world’s most powerful anti-boner algorithm, but that’s not as exciting as a room full of people hunched over big CRT screens from 1970 and manually approving or banishing images while The Ride of the Valkyries was piped in over a scratchy PA system.
Over the weekend, Rando’s response time improved significantly. Now I was receiving new images as fast as I could send them, which made my new project much more interesting (a Tumblr of Rando images with imagined backstory). This is good, right? Maybe they upgraded their servers or something! Faster performance is more better! Everyone wins!
It’s a happy theory, but my version of reality is probably closer to the truth: someone at the switch threw the towel in. Besieged by a never-ending onslaught of boners, the person doing the sorting went mad and ran screaming from the room; gibbering and foaming at the mouth and yelling about dicks.
I received my first Rando boner today.
It is not at all impressive. It’s kind of shiny and sad looking. I will not be posting it on my Rando Tumblr, because it’s more pathetic than interesting (but I’ll send it directly to you if you want to see it).
So, boners are happening. I am amused, anticipating, and apprehensive, all at once.
What started out as a gross Wednesday morning has turned into a glorious spring day – an appropriate metaphor on several levels – and while outside at lunch, these things made me smile:
neat idea – hope they get some awesome pictures
In fact, the random smiling started this morning when I stumbled upon an abandoned bag at my bus stop, containing pure treasure:
an ultimate vhs collection!
A bag of cinematic masterpieces, free for the taking! I wish I had taken the time to delve into the bottom layer of the bag, but they were wet and kind of grubby and my hands were full. If the tapes below the first few were even half as amazing as those pictured, someone is in for a weekend full of explosive action in glorious 480p!
Also, everything about my previous post makes me smile. You should read it. It has boners.
I have a crush on CATIE.
They’ve been in the news lately, because some woman in Nanaimo was America-style-outraged that her 13-year-old son received a saucy flip book in sex ed class. All her arguments are stupid – sex education is incredibly important and as much as she wants to think otherwise, 13 is exactly the right age to be introducing children to the ramifications of STDs, pregnancy, and how to avoid them if they just have to bust a nut – but her questionable horror at safe sex aside (along with my laughing: “It upset him to the point where he didn’t feel comfortable” hahahaha boners), the story glossed over the most important point of all: WHERE DO I GET THESE WONDERFUL FLIP BOOKS?!
Some extremely inappropriate work conversations and furious Googling later, we had an answer: the book is produced by CATIE (Community AIDS Treatment Information Exchange). Sam went about ordering some of the flip books to share with us, and they arrived yesterday:
the bad news: “something sexy” doesn’t involve handcuffs.
the good news: there’s a different pamphlet for that!
While the flip book is smaller than expected, it is chockfull of awesome erection action. Click the picture above to see a .PDF of the contents, or you can watch this Vine we took of the book in action.
Clearly, CATIE has some amazing education pieces to look at. Naturally, we immediately ran to the website to see what ELSE we could find:
(um, all of these are NSFW – you may want to wait until you’re alone before you clicky clicky)
.. and so on and so forth. There is a huge variety of educative materials that CATIE produces for institutional, group, or individual use, for free. It ranges from serious to funky fresh for the youths, and covers topics far outside the standard sex education fare such as LGBTT2IQQ-related information, body mods, drug use, and more.
Also, there are these:
.. a series of alphabet cards for gay and bisexual men.
They are incredible. How incredible?
*I* learned something from them. I thought I knew everything there was to know about sticking your wiener in things, but nope. I missed a few.
Seriously, I am totally in love with CATIE and I want to give them all my money so they continue to produce awesome education material for years to come. Plus, hilarious pictures of auto-fellatio. It’s like CATIE made these cards just for me!
Apps!
Universal
Genre: Fishing with guns
Price: $2.99
Ridiculous Fishing is ridiculous and awesome and you should get it right now. It’s one of those “oh just quick game” apps which will turn into you missing your bus stop and being awake at 3am and not paying attention during meetings because you are too busy fishing. Yes, it’s more expensive than your usual fare at $2.99 but a) it is worth it, b) that is still pennies on the entertainment value, and c) there are absolutely no ads and d) no in-app purchases. So much fun. So ridiculous.
Universal
Genre: Random Pictures!
Price: Free
Rando is a social picture app, sort of. Unlike Instagram, you don’t share pictures to a feed or your account – rather, you send one picture randomly to someone somewhere in the world. For each picture you send, you will (eventually) get one in return. You don’t know who you’re sending to or what you’ll get in return or where it’ll come from, and that’s all the fun – my friends and I have spent hours sending pictures into the ether and comparing what we get back. Some of the pictures are boring, some are interesting, and all of them are completely random. It’s worth a look for free!
Also, dear app developers – please do not do this:
what the fuck is wrong with you
If they’re trying to be funny, they desperately missed the mark. If I had paid for the app, I’d be asking for a refund. Instead, I simply deleted it, shared the outrage on Twitter, and left a review:
don’t ask me, i’m just a girl
I have someone on the inside looking into this situation .. I’ll let you know if anything comes of it. In the meantime, please don’t support developers that pull shitty stunts like this. There are so many other developers that deserve your downloads and love .. these guys are not among them.
I feel like I haven’t eaten a meal made in my own kitchen in four months.
My American Chris was in town for the past four days, so we did a lot of delicious eating out. It was super fun (and super expensive), but I am really going to enjoy the next week or so of cooking and eating at home and also having things that are not poutine. I usually have poutine once or twice a year, and this past week I had it twice .. that’s enough for now. I plan to eat a lot of salad in the upcoming week. My arteries feel like gravy.
We did have lots of fun with Chris though, even given the awful weather. Naturally, things got beautiful the minute we had to drop him off at the train station and it’s kind of gorgeous outside today (lousy Smarch weather) – our timing sucks. Instead of doing fun outdoor things, we did fun indoor things instead like visit the Vancouver Aquarium with every grubby child in the Lower Mainland, but I got to splash in mud puddles, and take a lot of pictures, and here are some of them:
i love jellyfish like i love snails.
here is a turtle.
plz appreciate this photo because monkeys are damn hard to take pictures of what with the movement and constant poo flinging
penguin guard duty
tiny and poisonous, just like me
the rare and elusive american christophericus internetus
Man, I love the aquarium. The next After Dark event is on June 9th, and you should come with me to look at fishes and stuff. It is a Good Time.
Now I am off to launder.
WOOOOOOOOO YEAH PARTY TIME UP IN HERE!
(I ran out of words that start with predic-)
i am prepared for every occasion!
In my bag:
Unseen:
Oddly enough, I’m carrying very little today.
Thanks to @_hudsonny for the inspiration!
delicious juice dot com 