my next tweet

This is the greatest thing ever.

It’s a tool that analyzes your Twitter stream and constructs a tweet for you as something you’d be likely to say. I don’t know if it’s because my own Twitter is really random to begin with or if everyone gets funny jumbles, but I could absolutely see myself saying this stuff. Some highlights include:

  • Naked ones. Ooh, the iPad to go fetch. Berries no one can wait for crashing while I thought you’d be at?
  • Personalizing! Tacos hurt my scooter from my temporary cake does it was thank goodness for the sugar?
  • Rodimus Prime has no place to the CBC Red Chairs!
  • Bukkake is available for cheap and bus home, though. Well, if they keep it so sexy.
  • It was the Bootlegger Ball tonight I really hope there for $0.99 – will stick their dick in their manners.
  • Fucking hell 4-hour meeting with dinosaurs! — Come work with the internet and pantless.
  • I like losing virginity. Got it. Okay, Twitter – come make me anxious all week. FORTS! I made it down?

I am full of laughing.

in the sugar basin

I asked Twitter to give me a topic to blog about today, as my head is full of Sharepoint and therefore nothing worth sharing. I liked Donna’s suggestion the best, so here are some gender neutral names for an educational presentation about vagina:

  • The Care and Feeding of Your Love Cave
  • Vagina: It’s Not a Dirty Word
  • Fantastic and Elastic: The Wondrous Flesh Sheath
  • Tiptoeing Through the Garden
  • We Came in Peace
  • Fibromuscular! Tubular! Tract!
  • It Cleans Itself: The Story of the Vagina
  • What? New Pussycat?
  • Pulling Back the Beef Curtains
  • What’s Up Down There
  • To Love Your Glove
  • Have a Piece of Puffy Cake
  • We’ve All Been There: The Vagina

.. I could do this for days, but I have an intranet to rebuild. Add your own suggestions below! Remember: it has to be gender neutral!

not full of bologna

.. because I removed it from my sandwich and threw it out.

What kind of place serves up a clubhouse sandwich with bacon, ham and BOLOGNA? An evil place, that’s what. This is why I rarely eat sandwiches – they often come with HORRIBLE SURPRISES. I should have known something was terribly wrong when my request of “no middle piece of bread plz” was met with baffled shock and terror. My tummy hurts. I have a mouth sad. I wanted turkey!

As far as todays go, I’ve had better. The pop machine was out of Diet Coke (it has since been restocked, but I am offended on behalf of myself at 9am), one of our two new employees walked off the job today (it wasn’t my fault this time; he got a better offer), and I’m just now starting to deal with the rebuild of our internal Sharepoint site and the sheer amount of work I have to do is making me want to cry. No, today is no good at all – so instead of listening to me whine, here are some pictures of small Hello Kitty things:

hello elephant

hello umbrella-ella-ella-ey-ey-ey

hello mother russia

and then there was @strombo

Yesterday afternoon I was at the Vancouver CBC Studio to watch the taping of that evening’s George Stroumboulopoulos Tonight. I went last year with Shan, Miranda and Renee, but this time around I brought Heather, Gillian and Ed because I like to share the love and Ed was sad he didn’t get to go last time. We met up in the plaza outside, and waited in many lines before we made it into the studio. To pass the time while waiting, we ate food (I apparently do not like Gorgonzola cheese ONE BIT), said hello to various people like Courtney, Mikala, John, Sam and Carol. Some people I did not say hello to but instead took creepy pictures of using my iPhone telephoto lens, like Rick:

I SEE YOU RICK CHUNG

I was not smart enough to wear a jacket, so I bought Ed a Hockey Night in Canada hoodie for me to wear. This did not work, because he immediately took possession of the hoodie and proudly wore it for the rest of the day so I continued to freeze.

and is cold.

I didn’t have too long to be cold though, as we were ushered inside to wait in the basement while the studio itself was set up. It was here that there was DRAMA:

cougars have no manners

The three women pictured above quite deliberately and callously cut in front of 100 or so people and parked themselves approximately 6 spots back from the very front of the line. Those of us who had been waiting for over two hours at that point were not impressed with their imperious line cutting, and Jennifer actually went up to them to a) point out the fact that they cut in line, and b) ask them to be good, polite Canadians and move back to their rightful spot in the line. They rudely ignored her, and then it was on: I took their picture and tweeted it with the hashtag #cbclinejumpers. Other people retweeted the image, and a lively discussion – both electronic and pointedly out loud – about how some people could be so rude/whatever happened to having manners/what kind of heinous bitches would be so heinous and bitchy like what/my goodness those are shiny pants and ridiculous shoes took place. The couple directly in front of us (and directly behind the line cutters) went to find a CBC Red Jacket and ask for assistance, and the rest of us talked about cougars in the wild. We repeatedly plead for help from CBC Vancouver’s Twitter account to deal with the jumpers, and finally someone came by to talk to them! Hooray!

Everyone in the immediate area pointed out the jumpers, and the lead cougar had the balls to say that we were all mistaken and that they had been there all along. I fucking HATE people like that, so I and others stridently disagreed with their bullshit and wouldn’t let it drop. They whined and complained and said that we were all mean and wrong and probably jealous of their high, high heels and shiny pants, but the CBC Red Jacket wasn’t having any of it. Still, she had to be somewhat polite to the public (which is why I don’t work in public; I loathe having to be polite to people who don’t deserve it) so she allowed them to stay in line as long as they agreed to stand aside while people were being seated, and let the people they cut off sit down first. This was good enough for those of us inconvenienced by their unbelievably rude ways (although I wanted to see them marched out of the studio and thrown onto the street as everyone pointed and booed and hissed, but I am a vengeful person who wishes for bloody and instant karmic retribution), and the horrible cougars were put in their place. When it was time to be seated, they fully intended on waltzing into the studio without waiting, but the CBC Red Jacket was true to her word and was watching for them at the door – she pulled them aside, and the rest of us (or maybe just me; see above re: vengeful) smirked at them as we walked in and found awesome seats.

awesome seats!

I only sat in the awesome seats for a few minutes, though – as luck would have it, John had VIP seating on the floor and an extra chair. He was there as Miss 604’s guest, but she was unable to make it. I got to move up to the floor and was sitting super close – second row – to everything:

the red chairs, flown in from toronto

Yay! The show itself was awesome – George chatted with the crowd a lot and is totally fun. We got to see three live interviews – Elizabeth May, Ice Cube and Ian Hanomansing – as well as a taped performance by Hannah Georgas. After the filming was done, George answered a whole bunch of audience questions and told some stories – he’s an engaging speaker with some hilarious stories, and the whole thing was a lot of fun. Afterward, there was a brief meet n’ greet with George – we hung out for a while to say some hellos while John took pictures. Heather even got George to record her voicemail message, which I totally need to call to hear. Many fun times! I love hanging out at the CBC Building, and it’s always great to watch Canada’s boyfriend do his thing. So swoony!

pee at the cee bee cee!

It was a good day – leaving work early, enjoying the beautiful day, publicly humiliating nasty people, seeing George, and hanging with friends. The $40 parking ticket from Easy Park was a little less enjoyable, but whatever – it was still worth it.

There’s a special tweet up tonight with George – it’s an early viewing of Scream 4, and it’s a first-come-first-serve entry sort of affair (so don’t fucking jump the line). As much as I love George tweet ups, I don’t have a need to see Scream 4 so I’ll leave my head count for someone else to enjoy – but if you want in, look up #scream4strombo on Twitter for the details.

obstructing: just as bad as line jumping

so very much

Words other than “really a lot” and “oh my god I want these so bad” cannot describe how badly I want these:

want. WANT!

Doc Martens emblazoned with Hello Kitty and Friends? OH MY GOD.

I may or may not be pre-ordering these as we speak.

bullet time!

I AM TOO BUSY TO WRITE FULL SENTENCES!

  • I wrestled mightily with the 4-day headache and finally won, meaning I was able to go to the Bootlegger’s Ball fundraiser for the Vancouver Police Museum on Friday night. I put on fancy clothes, went to the Biltmore, and had a great time. I bought garters! I will wear them with everything! Stacie and I sat in a bathtub!

the bathtub was used to make gin, which i then drank

  • I purposefully wore a t-shirt out of the house on Saturday night, just to see if I could do it. It was a very nice t-shirt – turns out that men’s medium shirts fit me fantastically well – but I hated every second of it. I don’t know how people do it on a daily basis, but wearing t-shirts feels really, really wrong. Uniboob is never sexy!
  • We saw Sucker Punch, and it was confusing and bad but pretty and great-sounding – I loved the soundtrack, but the movie itself made me feel kind of dirty (and want to buy mascara)
  • I love polka dots
  • Ed bought a motorcycle on Saturday! He sold his scooter last weekend, and while he was sad to see the BWS go, he got a blue motorcycle that goes zippy zoom fast! Soon we will be able to go on ADVENTURES! I am so excited I may have to pee!
  • On Sunday, Miranda Shan and I drove to Whistler to go to the baths at Scandinave Spa. Miranda had been there before and Shan had spa’d elsewhere previously, but I was new to the entire thing. It was AMAZING and I really want to go back and bring Ed who enjoys water and steam and relaxing. Sitting in a hot tub outside while it’s snowing around you is fucking fantastic, and I still smell like eucalyptus a day later. I always thought going to the spa involved people rubbing at you and painting your nails (two things I do not care for), but this was completely awesome in every way and CHEAP thanks to a Groupon. I will be going back again for sure to abuse my pores and sweat in public!
  • On the way home, we stopped for BBQ at the Campfire Grill, which is in an RV park in Squamish. The three of us ordered enough food to feed about 12 people, with the intent of bringing it home to the manfolk. I am not as crazy for BBQ as the others, but I still enjoyed my food and Ed swooned at the sight of so much meat. The service was awesome, the food was great, and it was a delicious juxtaposition from our morning spent spaing it up in the mountains.
  • Today I am off to see George at the CBC! Hooray for George!

hiiiii-yah =^.^=

beaten at my own game

I used to keep the specifics of what I do for cash money hidden, because it was more fun to hide behind the title of Astronaut than face the boring reality. I ditched the space suit once and for all several years ago, after a series of disastrous space missions that soured the idea for me – it’s hard to bring the funny when you’re being terrorized on a daily basis at work. I decided to be a Mad Scientist this time around, but eventually I dropped the pretense all together and let on that I actually work as a Technical Writer and IT Trainer. My loins are truly afire for the tech writing (I train because I have to); I strive to make documentation that isn’t a horrible chore to read. The company I work looks the other way a lot (it helps that everything I write is for internal use only), which means I get to reference nerdy things and pop culture in everything I do (including the famous “Choose Your Own Adventure” style manual for a particularly obnoxious procedure). I amuse myself on a daily basis, and I still like my job because I can put dumb things in my examples.

I’ve never put naked people in my documentation, though.

I’m a sucker for anything iPhone-camera related, and ordered this telephoto lens from Photojojo. It’s pretty awesome:

the burrard inlet, non zoomed and zoomed

.. but the makers of the lens win this round with their instructions:

naked bums not included

I’ve never put nudity in MY documentation. Clearly I need to step up my game. This round goes to them – the battle may be over, but they have not yet won the war. We’re launching a new billing system at work next week; my documentation is going to be so full of naked people it’ll be rated XXX and protested by church groups for generations to come. Oh, it’s on. It’s on like 50 meaty cocks slapping you in the face. BRING IT.

And, um, hello to the people from Vancouver is Awesome :D

running with scissors is for amateurs

Some people run with scissors, but that isn’t nearly hardcore enough for me – I defy safety and common sense by riding my scooter, without a helmet, while carrying scissors IN MY MOUTH*.

Oh yeah.

I’m the man.

I had several errands to run today, all with a connective tissue theme of making other people happy. One of the errands was to pick up the goodbye cake I ordered for our office assistant, who left the company today. I ordered a cake from Cupcakes, mostly because their website is fantastic – you can build the cake online from all available options, and the price is right there for you to see as you go. Plus, I know their goods are delicious and pretty AND I didn’t have to actually talk to anyone on the phone because I hate that.

Knowing that driving my car into the office for the sole purpose of fetching a cake would be a $40 endeavor, I opted to just take my scooter. After all, it’s just a cake and Lola’s bucket holds a surprising amount of stuff – it should be a snap!

Behold the snap:

ummm
no lie, the cake is fucking huge

I VASTLY underestimated the size of a 13″ cake, and there was no way it was going to fit in Lola’s bucket. It was also far too large to fit on the floorboard, which was Plan B. There was no one I could call for help, so I made an Executive Decision: the cake would go on the back of my two-person seat, and I would use gravity and sheer will to keep it in place. The Cupcake Girl was beside herself with hilarity and concern that anyone would be so ridiculous to attempt this, and was worried about the cake. She offered to get some string and came back with ribbon, tying the box down to my bars. It was precarious and risky and I spent the entire time terrified that I would crash and lose the cake or sit back too far and crush it with my mighty scooter armour, BUT! The Cupcake Girl’s ribbon and my extreme caution prevailed, and the cake arrived at my office in one delicious and huge piece:

it’s chocolate and strawberry mmmm

Everything worked out perfectly, and I got to have delicious cake AND a hilarious story to go along with it. Today is a good day!

*: I do not advocate riding a scooter without a helmet, carrying scissors in your mouth, or any combination of the two – it was a desperate situation and the ride was about 100 feet. Normally I’d never do either of those things, and you really shouldn’t either.

naked without rainbows

A shapeless canvas sack is not a good way to transport liquid. I thought I’d save you the hassle and let you know – you’re welcome.

I’ve been riding Lola to work for the past week, and it’s been glorious. Yesterday and today in particular were really nice, and I truly hope this is a sign that the sunny, gorgeous springs we’re used to are here to stay. The riding has been great, but something seemed off somehow – and today I realized what that was.

Lola is missing her rainbow legwarmers!

She’s naked without them! I took them off last winter when I stopped riding for the year – they needed a good hard laundering as they were beyond filthy. I need to fix this, and soon. She looks so wrong without the rainbows! Lola is due for a bath, so I’ll wash her up this weekend and make her all pretty for the new riding season. It’s a silly thing, but I’m looking forward to it – I love how my scooter looks when she’s clean and gorgeous and silly.

*yawn*

hooray!

Today I am cheery.