Monthly Archives: November 2013

oh oh oh

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You know a game is good when you get genuinely excited to see that it’s gone on sale, because then you get to encourage people to give it a try:

DA

Devil’s Attorney

iOS/Android
Genre: turn-based lawyer RPG
Price: Free/$0.99

I’ve recommended this game before – it made it on my “Best of 2012” list. Here’s what I said back in January: Devil’s Attorney was a complete surprise, and I loved it. You play Max, a sleazy lawyer who uses sneaky tactics of questionable legality to defend your clearly-guilty clients. Work your way to the top by taking out witnesses, evidence, and prosecuting attorneys by any means necessary. Add in great voice work, a wholly original idea, and the sleek dazzling veneer of the 1980s and you have a fantastic sleeper hit that deserves all the praise it’s been getting. Also: pimp hat. Can’t lose!

All of that is still true; more so now that the game is on sale. I highly recommend getting it for the device of your choice: you can play it while you wait for your Death Star inventory to restock.

I’m off to Victoria for the weekend, to visit my mother. While there, I’m going to attempt to convince her that she should buy a 330 sqft condo – this will go over about as well as you can imagine. Still, her basement suite is fucking awful, and I will keep trying to convince her to move already until she’s out of there.

I have hopes that the weather won’t be completely terrible while we’re there, so expect a lot of pictures of trees. I’m not taking a computer, but I still plan to post some updates .. I’ll give the apps a rest until Monday. Between the tiny Death Star, the sleazy lawyer, and the finger banging tutorial, your hands will be full (pun totally intended) over this long weekend as it is.

Does anyone know what I did with the key to my mother’s place?

something different

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Ever wanted to know how to treat a vagina? There’s an app for that:

LS

Luxuria Superbia

iPad Only
Genre: vagina touching
Price: $2.99

This isn’t so much a recommendation (I haven’t tried the app) as it is “oh man look at this it’s all about foreplay!!” commentary, but .. dude. From the app description:

A simple game of touch, pleasure and joy. Luxuria Superbia is a colorful, musical journey made to fill you with joy. Exciting designs explode from your touch as you glide through playful stylized flowers. It’s all about the experience and the interaction. “Colorful… and oh-so-touchable. So touch it. You know you want to.”  — Andrew Vestal, Gaming Intelligence Agency

The screenshots are the best. “You are entering a flower. The flower is blank, but it enjoys color.” “It’s fun. Use all your fingers. Be gentle and slow to score.” “Your screen will never feel the same.”

You can’t tell me that’s not about vaginas. Vaginas are flowers! They enjoy colour and when you use all your fingers! If you’re gentle and slow, you’ll totally score! They may as well have called this app “Third Base: Fingering”.

And the innuendos just keep going:

A flower always starts out colorless. But when you touch it, color fills the tunnel. Stay in the glowing flower as long as possible! Play slowly and gently to get a high score. Just pushing through as fast as you can will result in failure. The game wants you to take it easy and be playful. The game engages with you –alone or with a friend– as an encouraging partner.

I’m pretty sure those are the EXACT WORDS I used the first time someone touched my own glowing flower, alone or with a friend.

Fuck this, I’m totally gonna buy this app right now. It’s been a while since I’ve been in someone else’s flower-like tunnel, and $3 is a low price to pay for access to someone’s garden temple.

remember remember

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I have a headache and I forgot to lunch. This is going to really bite me in the ass later, when I have to do Discount Groceries after work – expect to see a lot of things with “pocket” and “pop” in the name, as those adjectives tend to indicate food that could be in my belly the fastest. This plan can’t possibly go wrong!

PiBPaint It Back 

Universal
Genre: Nonogram/Picross
Price: Free ($2.99 to unlock all content)

Today I learned that the official name of picross games is “nonogram”, which sounds like a cutesy name for pre-school sexual harassment. At any rate, Paint It Back is a super fun logic puzzle game with a neat premise: all the art has disappeared, and you need to replace it. I’ve played many picross games and only two have ever entertained me (I find a lot of them to be ridiculously dry and tedious) – an old Shockwave game that I’ve forgotten the name of, and Paint it Back. Check it out for free, and if you like it, spend the $3 to unlock all the content. It’s worth it!

I’m running out of both trivia and secrets to share, so I think I’m going to have to space them out a little. That being said, today’s confession is that I kind of want to punch people really hard and also my dependency on gluten-free granola to get me through each morning is both amusing and alarming.

nice try, monday

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I’m onto you, Monday. You thought you could beat me off with a ridiculously busy day; making it impossible for me to post while at work and too tired/cold/wolves to do it when I got home, thereby failing NaBloPoMo a mere 4 days in. Pretty sneaky, Monday – and you almost got away with it. Too bad for you I’m posting this half-assed update of nonsense that, while pathetic, is still an entry and therefore counts. Suck it, Monday. I foiled you.

And now I’m going to take a bath to try and get this unholy chill out of my bones. Tomorrow: regularly scheduled crap, I promise.

 

thinking gives you wrinkles

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App the 3rd

MPQ

Marvel Puzzle Quest: Dark Reign

Universal
Genre: Match-3 RPG
Price: Free with optional IAP

I was a huge fan of the original Puzzle Quest game, and played through it many times. Subsequent releases were kind of stinky, though, so I wasn’t expecting much from this game .. but I was wrong. Oh so wrong. Marvel + Puzzle Quest = SUPER BIG TIME FUN! The game is free to download, and completely playable without having to spend any money. If you like match-3 games like Bejeweled but are utterly tired of crushing candy, try Marvel Puzzle Quest. It’s imaginary violence at its least animated!

Trivia the 3rd

Shockwave was supposed to die in the 1986 movie, but it was cut from the film. IDW Publishing eventually killed him off in their 2006 comic book adaption of the movie.

Confession the 3rd

I used to be a huge comic book nerd: always Marvel; never DC. I memorized the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe (a 20+ issue encyclopedia printed between 1985 and 1988), and still retain most of what I read today .. which is why I can’t math, but can name all the Morlocks alphabetically by power.

I think I chose well.

running theme

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Two in a row! I’m breaking records like Suresh Joachim!

App the 2nd

DLDungelot

Universal
Genre: Old-School Dungeon Crawler
Sale Price: Free

Dungelot is a casual dungeon crawler that you can play on the bus or while pooping (eww). It’s fun, easy, entertaining, and currently free – frankly, there are far worse things you could be doing with your spare time (like pooping) (eww).

Trivia the 2nd

Everyone knows Peter Cullen is the voice of Optimus Prime (because I keep bringing it up over and over again). However, even if you weren’t obsessed with Transformers in the 80s like some people and watched cartoons at some point, you’ve likely heard his voice. Cullen had/has a prolific career as a voice actor, and showed up in almost every cartoon shown on Saturday mornings at one point or another, such as Dungeons and Dragons (alongside the other Voice of the 80s, Frank Welker) and Dragon’s Lair.

Confession the 2nd

I’ve never actually played Dungeons and Dragons. I realize I’ll lose nerd cred for this confession, but let’s face it – I’ve got so much damn nerd cred that I can spare a little. Still, I have shame. I should fix this.

thirty days of ..

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So, I’m going to attempt NaBloPoMo this year. In the past, it’s always been kind of pointless because I posted every damn day to begin with .. but since I’ve dialed back my blog posting this year, trying to go 30 days straight will actually be somewhat of a challenge. A pointless challenge partnered with an exercise in futility and internet egotism, but still. CHALLENGE!

Even if I’ve neglected my blog a little this year, I didn’t want to simply post random “I’m cold/sad/hungry/bored/radioactive/on the good ship Lollipop” updates to make it through November – that’s cheating, and also pretty lame. Instead, I will attempt to write some Actual Content for thirty days – and not just content about how far my head is stuffed up my own ass, but stuff that may actually be of interest to others (alongside the head-up-ass stuff – I’m not trying to change the world, here). Unfortunately, I don’t really know a lot about anything at all that could actually be useful to anyone .. but I’ll share what I’ve got: a lot of app suggestions, a ridiculous amount of Transformers-related trivia, and some deep, dark secrets that I will share. 30 Days of Random Ass Stuff! What could possibly go wrong?

Here we go!

App the 1st

KC2


King Cashing 2

Universal
Genre: Slot Machine RPG, with Zombies
Sale Price: $0.99

King Cashing 2 is unlike any other game I’ve ever played. It’s a comic-book-style turn-based RPG with a slot-machine mechanic, and you play as the zombie(s). You get a limited number of turns (spins), and .. well, it’s hard to explain. I CAN tell you that it’s hilarious and it sucks you in and it’s a steal for $0.99, so take a look if you’re tired of crushing candy or flinging birds into the marketing ether. Is good fun. Go now.

Trivia the 1st

The 1986 Transformers movie was the final film made by Orson Welles (Unicron) AND Scatman Crothers (Jazz). While Unicron died in the movie (um, spoilers I guess), Jazz did not .. but because his voice actor died (Crothers also voiced Jazz in the cartoon series), the film marked the last time Jazz spoke. He was briefly seen in later cartoon episodes, but never had any lines.

Confession the 1st

I don’t like Sriracha sauce. I grew up with my mother dousing all her food in that stuff, and the smell of Sriracha reminds me of undiagnosed mental health issues and instant ramen. No thank you.

I can totally keep this up for 30 days. Only 29 to go!