Category Archives: everyday kimli

ambi-curious

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I’ve always wanted to be ambidextrous. In addition to winning bar bets at all the bars I’d inevitably go to if I were ambidextrous, I’d be able to fulfill my ONE TRUE DREAM:

Painting the nails on my right hand.

Right now, I’m rocking an amazing manicure on my left hand only. I bribed myself with a Julep subscription in an attempt to keep from biting my nails, and so far it seems to be working: I get shiny new colours once a month or so, and I’ve yet to fall back into my disgusting (yet comforting) habits. My left hand is delightfully fall-coloured (mono polish is for amateurs), but my right is stark and naked because I am tragically bad at left. It looks a little funny (and is so tempting to gnaw on), but I’m okay with that and also stop staring at my hand you jerk.

I desperately want new nerd toys, but I don’t really need anything. I’m going in circles trying to justify ridiculous purchases to myself, and it’s not working. I am sad and also can’t run a bunch of games I want to play WHAT’S UP WITH THAT.

My first world problems are particularly ridiculous today.

.. but they still count as an update!

dancing girls dance for you

island safari

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Victoria is full of ALL THE ANIMALS:

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deal of the day: KITTEH!

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then there was that time we found a frickin’ SWAN in the inner harbour

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not to be outdone, the swan was quickly followed up by three juvenile raccoons playing in a tree

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oh hello you gorgeous peahen!

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one ninetieth of the ducks in beacon hill park

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sorry, she deserves a second picture: just look at her!

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fat squirrel runnin’ down a tree

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glorious peacock being all majestic n’ shit

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puppy seal eyes!

Being outside is fun.

press the black button

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Today Ed and I had to teach my mother how to use the DVD player. My mother doesn’t know what a “play” button looks like; doesn’t understand the concept of “pause”. It was .. a trying experience. Ed eventually wrote out instructions for her, but we’re not confident – in fact, I think the movie she watched today will likely be the only one she ever views.

I know I often make light of the fact that my mother is not at all technically savvy, but it’s incredibly frustrating and worrisome that she is THAT unable to cope with something so commonplace. When the Great Machine takes over, what will become of her? Will she be tossed aside by our new overlords? Or will she be our saviour, defeating technology with shelled walnuts and cauliflower in the omelettes?

Darkness is coming.

achievement unlocked: walnuts

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My mother has this weird detector thing plugged in next to the plywood board we sleep on. It’s huge, and covers the only outlet anywhere near us – so we unplugged it for phone charging. Seems logical, right? Whatever the thing detects, the universe won’t implode if it’s undetectable for an evening.

That was the plan, which never seems to match up with my reality. The box doesn’t seem to detect anything except being unplugged, at which point it SCREAMS LKE A FUCKING BANSHEE. So, my mother has a device that alerts her loudly when it’s unplugged. And that’s it. Don’t touch the mystery device, or it will FREAK THE FUCK OUT. And it’s bottom heavy. It falls out of the socket if you look at it funny, and then BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP with no way to turn it off (except to plug it back in) or even mute the fucking thing.

What is this, and who the fuck would invent such a terrible device? All I want to do is charge my phone. Stop screaming at me.

On the plus side, my mother got screens for her windows and I was able to open one last night to make it slightly less hot than the fires of hell in here. I actually slept! That was nice.

I’m going outside now, where there are no walnuts under the bed.

oh oh oh

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You know a game is good when you get genuinely excited to see that it’s gone on sale, because then you get to encourage people to give it a try:

DA

Devil’s Attorney

iOS/Android
Genre: turn-based lawyer RPG
Price: Free/$0.99

I’ve recommended this game before – it made it on my “Best of 2012” list. Here’s what I said back in January: Devil’s Attorney was a complete surprise, and I loved it. You play Max, a sleazy lawyer who uses sneaky tactics of questionable legality to defend your clearly-guilty clients. Work your way to the top by taking out witnesses, evidence, and prosecuting attorneys by any means necessary. Add in great voice work, a wholly original idea, and the sleek dazzling veneer of the 1980s and you have a fantastic sleeper hit that deserves all the praise it’s been getting. Also: pimp hat. Can’t lose!

All of that is still true; more so now that the game is on sale. I highly recommend getting it for the device of your choice: you can play it while you wait for your Death Star inventory to restock.

I’m off to Victoria for the weekend, to visit my mother. While there, I’m going to attempt to convince her that she should buy a 330 sqft condo – this will go over about as well as you can imagine. Still, her basement suite is fucking awful, and I will keep trying to convince her to move already until she’s out of there.

I have hopes that the weather won’t be completely terrible while we’re there, so expect a lot of pictures of trees. I’m not taking a computer, but I still plan to post some updates .. I’ll give the apps a rest until Monday. Between the tiny Death Star, the sleazy lawyer, and the finger banging tutorial, your hands will be full (pun totally intended) over this long weekend as it is.

Does anyone know what I did with the key to my mother’s place?

something different

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Ever wanted to know how to treat a vagina? There’s an app for that:

LS

Luxuria Superbia

iPad Only
Genre: vagina touching
Price: $2.99

This isn’t so much a recommendation (I haven’t tried the app) as it is “oh man look at this it’s all about foreplay!!” commentary, but .. dude. From the app description:

A simple game of touch, pleasure and joy. Luxuria Superbia is a colorful, musical journey made to fill you with joy. Exciting designs explode from your touch as you glide through playful stylized flowers. It’s all about the experience and the interaction. “Colorful… and oh-so-touchable. So touch it. You know you want to.”  — Andrew Vestal, Gaming Intelligence Agency

The screenshots are the best. “You are entering a flower. The flower is blank, but it enjoys color.” “It’s fun. Use all your fingers. Be gentle and slow to score.” “Your screen will never feel the same.”

You can’t tell me that’s not about vaginas. Vaginas are flowers! They enjoy colour and when you use all your fingers! If you’re gentle and slow, you’ll totally score! They may as well have called this app “Third Base: Fingering”.

And the innuendos just keep going:

A flower always starts out colorless. But when you touch it, color fills the tunnel. Stay in the glowing flower as long as possible! Play slowly and gently to get a high score. Just pushing through as fast as you can will result in failure. The game wants you to take it easy and be playful. The game engages with you –alone or with a friend– as an encouraging partner.

I’m pretty sure those are the EXACT WORDS I used the first time someone touched my own glowing flower, alone or with a friend.

Fuck this, I’m totally gonna buy this app right now. It’s been a while since I’ve been in someone else’s flower-like tunnel, and $3 is a low price to pay for access to someone’s garden temple.

remember remember

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I have a headache and I forgot to lunch. This is going to really bite me in the ass later, when I have to do Discount Groceries after work – expect to see a lot of things with “pocket” and “pop” in the name, as those adjectives tend to indicate food that could be in my belly the fastest. This plan can’t possibly go wrong!

PiBPaint It Back 

Universal
Genre: Nonogram/Picross
Price: Free ($2.99 to unlock all content)

Today I learned that the official name of picross games is “nonogram”, which sounds like a cutesy name for pre-school sexual harassment. At any rate, Paint It Back is a super fun logic puzzle game with a neat premise: all the art has disappeared, and you need to replace it. I’ve played many picross games and only two have ever entertained me (I find a lot of them to be ridiculously dry and tedious) – an old Shockwave game that I’ve forgotten the name of, and Paint it Back. Check it out for free, and if you like it, spend the $3 to unlock all the content. It’s worth it!

I’m running out of both trivia and secrets to share, so I think I’m going to have to space them out a little. That being said, today’s confession is that I kind of want to punch people really hard and also my dependency on gluten-free granola to get me through each morning is both amusing and alarming.

nice try, monday

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I’m onto you, Monday. You thought you could beat me off with a ridiculously busy day; making it impossible for me to post while at work and too tired/cold/wolves to do it when I got home, thereby failing NaBloPoMo a mere 4 days in. Pretty sneaky, Monday – and you almost got away with it. Too bad for you I’m posting this half-assed update of nonsense that, while pathetic, is still an entry and therefore counts. Suck it, Monday. I foiled you.

And now I’m going to take a bath to try and get this unholy chill out of my bones. Tomorrow: regularly scheduled crap, I promise.

 

thinking gives you wrinkles

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App the 3rd

MPQ

Marvel Puzzle Quest: Dark Reign

Universal
Genre: Match-3 RPG
Price: Free with optional IAP

I was a huge fan of the original Puzzle Quest game, and played through it many times. Subsequent releases were kind of stinky, though, so I wasn’t expecting much from this game .. but I was wrong. Oh so wrong. Marvel + Puzzle Quest = SUPER BIG TIME FUN! The game is free to download, and completely playable without having to spend any money. If you like match-3 games like Bejeweled but are utterly tired of crushing candy, try Marvel Puzzle Quest. It’s imaginary violence at its least animated!

Trivia the 3rd

Shockwave was supposed to die in the 1986 movie, but it was cut from the film. IDW Publishing eventually killed him off in their 2006 comic book adaption of the movie.

Confession the 3rd

I used to be a huge comic book nerd: always Marvel; never DC. I memorized the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe (a 20+ issue encyclopedia printed between 1985 and 1988), and still retain most of what I read today .. which is why I can’t math, but can name all the Morlocks alphabetically by power.

I think I chose well.