Ed has a cold, and I either have it – am getting it – or am mutating it into an all-new disease that will spread like wildfire and doom 99.4% of humanity, and no amount of movies starring Dustin Hoffman can stop it. While Ed is full of mucous and grossness, I am beyond tired, beyond listless, beyond Thunder Dome. I’ve been getting 7-8 hours of sleep a night and sleeping straight through except for when glass shatters in my bathroom at 3am, but I am so achy and out of it that I must be germ-laden and about to be declared Patient Zero for something horrible. Maybe they’ll name it after me. I’m not satisfied with my 15 minutes of fame coming in 10-second chunks; I want my name to be synonymous with something. Sure, I’d prefer that “the Kimli” mean something great rather than a disease that kills you all, but I’ll take what I can get. I want a Wikipedia entry.

Wait, what was I talking about?

I’m so tired.

zzzzzzzzzz

This bacon is inedible:

gross.

This is glorious bacon:

yummy yum yum

Disgusting:

barf.

Wonderful:

brava! bellissima!

I like my bacon so crispy it breaks when you look at it. Floppy greasy moist bacon is a crime against the pig that died to provide it.

Discuss.

Longest long weekend ever. I’m almost glad to be back to work, if only because I can snooze a little while editing stuff – I’m tired. Is it Friday yet?

The weekend was non-stop, starting on Thursday evening. We had a great visit with Ed’s parents, who were duly impressed with both Sparta and the sparkling cleanness of it all. We went everywhere (including the middle of the ocean) and ate out so much I am kind of sick of food, but it was cool to hang out with them and show them all our favourite places. Hopefully it won’t be three years until the next visit!

An update on Lola: I did get her back before we left for Seattle last week, and she’s riding so much better. It’s awesome to have her back, especially since the weather has been just incredible – okay, I’ve been too busy to actually DO much riding, but at least I can dream about it. Plus, I have no real plans this weekend so I plan to do a lot of riding if this weather holds out.

So, there’s that. Of course, not everything went as planned: both the shop and Piaggio USA (who took over for Vespa Canada when it disappeared) refused to honour the warranty. We had to pay $670 out of pocket to get her back, which is less than we had expected the bill to be but still $670 we shouldn’t have to pay at all. My only recourse at this point is to go after Costco Canada, which I will be doing this week. I hate this – I am no good at Going After people, even if I have a valid case to make. I’m bummed that neither organization was willing to step forward to even meet us halfway on the cost of the repair, which I would have been satisfied with, in the name of customer service or being at least apologetic for the situation.

Anyone know how to get in touch with anyone at Costco who’d actually have the power to help?

sploooooosh

It took almost 20 years, but I’ve finally seen something so terrible online that I’m throwing in my jizz rag and quitting the internet:

JESUS CHRIST WHY WOULD YOU EVER SAY THAT TO SOMEONE YOU ENORMOUS CREEPY ASSWAD

You’ll have to pretend that there’s an Instagram picture in there, a self portrait of some girl’s thong-clad ass. Apparently camwhores are up with the times and no longer lurk on Geocities or Penis Chat Roulette, but instead use current photo sharing tools to take self-serving pictures at deceptively flattering MySpace angles so random-ass creepers will fawn over them. Of course, there’s fawning and then there’s .. that. It made me do a full body shudder. I can’t think of a single thing you could possibly say that would be less erotic when faced with someone’s ass and/or labia. I quit the goddamn internet*. Happy now? You win.

*: until tomorrow :P

Ed’s parent are on their way over from Edmonton for their very first visit to Sparta. We’ve spent the week cleaning, but went into a full throttle panic blitz this morning: floors were mopped, tubs were scrubbed, decorative rugs were thrown over stains. I took the opportunity to do some rearranging as well, and moved/consolidated/recycled/tossed a great deal of stuff from the huge shelf next to my desk. I even went through my closet and drawers and collected three bags of clothing to donate, and another two bags of books/school supplies. The gay porn has been relocated to the bedroom, the sex toys hidden in furniture, and the flogger and paddle obscured by a conveniently hanging jacket. We’re almost ready for parents! All that’s left to do is shower (scrubbing is sweaty work), take out the garbage, and drop off the donations.

The weather looks like it’s going to behave for the long weekend, and we’ve got some fun things planned. I’m looking forward to this visit – I haven’t seen Ed’s parents in way too long because they don’t come out here often and I am still boycotting Alberta for existing. Plus, we want to show off our place that they helped us buy – I’ve been bugging them to come out for almost two years, and they’re almost here! Yay!

I’m feeling pretty good about myself, actually. Not only is my bathroom a sparking triumph of bleach and soap scum remover, but I finished the complete 3rd draft of the new employee manual at work and dropped it off on my boss’s desk. I had a sudden burst of inspiration yesterday at 4pm and added an additional six pages of content and a fancy cover, and I am ridiculously pleased. Here’s hoping it’ll only need some minor tweaks (our new CEO threw a wrench into sections 2 and 7) and I can get with the launching already. Accomplishment! I haz it.

I’m not one to normally covet furniture, but every time I see this I want it more:

want. want want want.

This is what I would look like if I was furniture. It’s GORGEOUS and on sale and completely ridiculous and oh man I think I might have to start saving up for it because it is just glorious.

Ed is giving me dirty looks because he is cleaning while I am masturbating to furniture, so I’m going to hide in my shiny bathroom and play Jetpack Joyride (which, if you don’t have, means you hate fun).

Renee, sing along with me!

scour the house
flip the wig
shake the tree
scour the house
flip the wig
shake the tree
until your
whereabouts are known to me

I have no idea what a Survival of Covenants is, but it’s in our company Employment Agreement. I really want to rewrite this document as I have our employee manual (now called a Strategy Guide), but seeing as it’s a legal document and all .. well, all I can do is fix the formatting. Hideous formatting offends me, and this official document is officially terrible.

I’m so close to being done the Strategy Guide I can almost taste it. My boss gave it the thumbs up before she left for vacation, and I’m making the final changes before preparing the complete package for full fanciness. I had to take out a few of the more flamboyant sentences, but I was able to keep a lot in; almost enough to keep me satisfied at the level of what the fuck.

On company equipment: .. if your equipment is lost or stolen by pirates, please notify your Team Lead and Desktop Support immediately.

Absenteeism: If you find yourself sick/having child care issues/abducted by aliens/defending your family from the zombie apocalypse, we ask that you a) phone or email your supervisor, and b) email the office.

Lateness: Slept through the alarm – traffic – missed a bus – the aforementioned zombie apocalypse – sometimes your day starts with less than a bang but more of a limp and a whimper.

Maternity Leave: .. are entitled to 52 weeks of leave to bond with your offspring and do non-stop kegels in an attempt to regain strength and some semblance of tightness in your baby dispenser (okay, maybe this didn’t actually make the final cut)

Toronto Office: A significant upgrade from the previous office, the new location has many modern comforts that were missing, such as a sink and the world’s longest whiteboard [citation needed].

Dress Code: We’re an IT company, and we’re well aware of what that means: jeans and a clean t-shirt are considered formal wear. That being said, we’re a little afraid of what might happen if we said “there’s no dress code” – please wear pants.  For safety reasons, we do ask that you do not wear cut-off shorts, sweatpants, flip-flop shoes, or asbestos suits. We want you to be comfortable but safe, and there is a lot of pointy equipment around our offices.

Substance Abuse: Please do the sensible thing and don’t show up to work under the influence of drugs, alcohol or the Imperius Curse.

Sexual Harassment

Workplace Conduct: Common sense is king: if you wouldn’t do it in front of your mother, you shouldn’t do it at work. All Team Members are expected to treat one another with respect and dignity, and we will not look kindly on anyone who does otherwise. We maintain a fun but professional workplace, and certain things are just not appropriate. If you need to know exactly what these things are, please see Appendix A for the Ethical Behaviour policy.

So, yeah. I got some fun stuff in there, but it’s still missing something – for starters, there are no Star Wars references. Just a second; gotta fix that —

Okay. Now the table of contents lists a section on our offices in Vancouver, Toronto and Degobah. Much better.

I love having fun with my job!

bah bah bahbah .. bah bah baaaaaah bah bah bahbah bah bah da da da

Um as a complete aside, you need to watch this – this guy rules.

Our new interim CEO starts today, and I am dressed in full on Business Formal for the occasion. I like to keep them guessing, so every now and then I’ll show up dressed like someone who actually knows what she’s doing (and knows better than to dress how I normally do). I figured “new CEO” was as good an excuse as any to play dress up – plus when I go back to normal tomorrow, it’ll be like a bonus. Surprise! Boobs!

Ed and I went to the PNE yesterday, courtesy of the passes I won from London Drugs. The day was overcast but dry, and we enjoyed ourselves before the crowds got to be too much. I went on a few other rides which was fun until I wanged my head really hard on a metal bar, which made me kind of dizzy. Unfortunately, I had to go on most rides by myself (which isn’t nearly as much fun) because Ed doesn’t do rides. I did get him on the Atmosfear with me, though – and it was SO MUCH FUN. I’d have ridden it all damn day if I could have (the lines were INSANE), and I’m trying to get some people to go to the PNE with me later this week so I can do it again. I tried to take some pictures while we were up there, but it was scary high and I was afraid of dropping my phone – next time I’ll rig something up for added safety (and maybe not stick my finger in front of the lens).

We ate corn dogs, I bought the traditional Fair Fudge (which will sit in the fridge uneaten for 8 months before it finally gets thrown out), and I bought the world’s coolest iPhone case in the market. We made our way through the crowds and walked home, pleased with our lazy Monday at the fair.

halfway up the atmosfear

break dance!

working my way up to the atmosfear

SO MUCH FUN omg.

We left the house on Friday around 9:30 – a little later than intended, but not at all concerned about it. We were feeling strangely lethargic about the entire weekend; something we attributed to a lack of sleep and caffeine. We loaded up the Mazdabator, made a quick pitstop for delicious pretzel buns, and hit the road.

The border was surprisingly busy for a Friday morning, and it took us over an hour to get through. I convinced Ed it would be an excellent idea to stop at Target in Bellingham so we could pee but mostly so I could do a quick run through the store to pick up some American essentials. In addition to my Diet Coke, I also got new headphones and a poncho and .. this:

i wanted to bring it to bed, but ed drew the line

“Big deal”, you sez. “You have one of these already!” Well, not exactly:

new disembodied lego head is three times the size of original disembodied lego head :D

Ed spotted him on a shelf in Target, and I squealed – it’s AWESOME AND SO BIG. He takes up an entire shelf on my recently cleaned Ikea Expedit, and those shelves are not petite. It’s completely ridiculous, but I love it – it almost fills the gaping hole in my living room where my gay porn used to be (it got relocated to the bedroom; I’m trying to make Ed gay by osmosis). Beaming with delight and an empty bladder, we piled back into the car and continued our journey south.

The plan was to stop at Doug and Ali’s to drop off our bags and then head downtown to PAX, but we arrived in Kenmore just as rush hour was starting and quickly determined that it would take us several hours to make our way through traffic. We decided to stay at the house and hang out with friends instead, reasoning that there wasn’t anything we were dying to see on Friday night (I’ve long since given up on my dream of actually seeing a PAX concert) and the house was cozy, filled with delicious foods and people, and we were really very lazy. I got to have Christmas at Ali’s (opening three months of Amazon shipments I had sent to her place instead of paying extra to ship to Canada), Hazel shared all her toys and drool with me, and there were BBQ’d meats made of deliciousness. It was Kid Movie Night at the house, so Ed and I excused ourselves to tackle the next Must Do on my weekend list: hit up the Lego Store in Bellevue Square and try to find TOMS Wrap Boots at Nordstrom. I struck out on the boots (which is really annoying – I need to try them on before I can order them, but they don’t appear to be in store anywhere in Canada), had a grand time in the Lego store, and discovered my new true love: Nutter Butter Blizzards at Dairy Queen. Holy SHIT those things are amazing – I could eat twenty of them, except a) they’re only in the US until this Wednesday and b) Nutter Butters aren’t available in Canada. Still, I enjoyed the fuck out of the one I had, and promptly went to Safeway to buy a bag of Nutter Butters to bring home with me. Do you think if I took them to DQ they’d stick them in ice cream for me? PEANUT BUTTER IS AWESOME!

We went back to the house after the guests had left and the kids put to bed, and sat around in near silence in the living room playing Words with Friends (add me: Drunk Bettie). I had been resisting WwF all this time, but finally caved in and bought it and promptly started a half dozen games with various people. Planning to PAX it up to the fullest in the morning, we turned in and got some sleep.

We were up and watered and out the door by 9:30, and were at PAX after some fancy parking by 11am. We went to pick our lanyards in the receiving room, and I was really annoyed to learn they had run out of swag bags. Keep in mind that this was 11am on day 2, and they had already run out even though all passes had been sold in advance – what’s up with that. I didn’t necessarily want the swag for myself (I give 90% of what I get to my coworker who can’t go to PAX), I still like picking through it and seeing what’s inside so that kind of sucked. We hit the show floor and wandered around the exhibits for several hours, trying some games and looking at nerds. Some of the things I’m looking forward to:

• Jetpack Joyride by Halfbrick (makes of Fruit Ninja), which comes out on September 1st for iOS and Andriod
• Super Mario 3D Land and Mario Kart 7 for the 3DS, coming out November/December respectively – these were the first true exposure I had to the 3DS, and will likely be the titles that make me buy the device I’d been ignoring since launch. I was extremely impressed with how the 3D aspect was delivered in the games, and am now looking forward to getting a 3DS for those titles and:
• Pokedex 3d, which is already out – a free app you can download now from the Nintendo eShop; it allows you to scan QR code-like images to unlock the Pokeman within and see all their stats and images in 3D. It was really well done, and I’d be much more inclined to try and catch ’em all if I get to scan things all future-like!
• Minor Lords, an iOS Tower Defense game coming out by SRRN Games – the beta I tried was really fun and well done; looking forward to this release
• Mass Effect 3
• Bioshock Infinite
• Age of Empires Online
• Nun Attack for iOS, a game that I can’t find anything for online (don’t google “nun attack”; the results are .. depressing)
• Word Fighter, the only iOS/Andriod game to make it into the PAX 10 – a Mortal Kombat meets Boggle kind of game that I am desperate to get my hands on

So .. a lot, but mostly indie or small company games. As usual, my refusal to stand in line kept me away from the larger booths, but there was still a lot to look at and I got my hands on quite a few different games on the floor.

Then came the waiting.

Ed wanted me to see the Acquisitions Inc panel with him, so we left the convention center to go over to the Paramount a couple blocks away. We were alarmed to see the size of the line that had formed with almost three hours to go before the thing even started, but we got in line to secure our spot. It was here that PAX was the most insufferable it’s ever been – standing in the hot sun for 3 hours with no shade, no drinks, nothing to sit on, and surrounded by obnoxious nerds who WOULDN’T STOP FARTING. Don’t get me wrong – I fucking love nerds – but I have to draw the line somewhere, and my line comes up long before you get to the bottom of the barrel nerds: the gargantuan, the unfortunate, the spastically awkward, the “I HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT THIS POPULAR THING AND YOU WILL HEAR IT”, the glommers, those who can’t hold their goddamn farts in when standing in a line several thousand people deep – those. I can’t get with those. Maybe it was my foul mood at the line I was standing in, or how much my feet hurt, or the fact that I was just not into PAX at ALL this year, but I really did not want to be in that line with those smelly awkward jackasses braying stupid catchphrases all around me for multiple hours. I was even pissed at my fellow nerd sisters, all of whom seemed to fall into two categories: those who used “cosplay” as an excuse to dress like a complete whore for attention, and those who were female versions of the farting disasters mentioned above.  Yeah, I’m no prize myself, but I didn’t show up to a game convention in a completely unrelated-to-anything corset, and I don’t fart in public .. so I win, really.

The panel was funny, but I was far more interested in the building itself – the Paramount Theatre is fucking GORGEOUS. I spent most of my time looking around me in awe (and rolling my eyes at people behind us who repeated every.single.joke. to one another loudly when they weren’t eating bag after bag of Crinkle Time Happy Crunch Flakes) and taking pictures like this:

SO PRETTY!

By the time the panel had ended before 6, we were exhausted and starving so we decided to leave downtown. We drove around for a bit, “accidentally” finding ourselves at Archie McPhee before going to Red Mill for a fantastic burger dinner eaten outside in the glorious Seattle evening. We made our way back to Kenmore to hang out with an assortment of Suttleses, and discussed the day and our plans for Sunday: we were done.

This year, we spent one day at PAX – maybe 7 hours worth, and most of that standing in line. We skipped both Friday AND Sunday even though we had a 3-day pass, and couldn’t figure out why we were feeling so very, very “meh” about the whole thing. I have a theory, though – the end of August snuck up on us, and we were utterly unprepared for the event. Between my scooter troubles and London planning, I had pretty much forgotten that PAX was coming until it was the night we were supposed to leave for Seattle and we were in no way ready to go. I hadn’t done a lick of reading – had no idea what panels were going on, events, parties, concerts, who would be there – nothing. I was completely out of the PAX Loop, and it came across as complete apathy for what was happening around me (as well as some rage: STOP FARTING). This was our third PAX in a row, and it’s gotten bigger each year .. and this year, it felt as though there were simultaneous too much going on and too little. Things everywhere were making me cranky, from the booth babes that weren’t supposed to be there (oh, you’re “media” – well, that explains your skin tight cat suit and assless chaps) to the terrible, terrible booth shoutcasting that wasn’t done by Marcus and could have been done so much better by me (seriously, give me a call next year – I’d be happy to not suck for anyone wanting live game coverage at their booth). We were both tired and .. just not into it, I guess. We completely dropped the PAX ball this year, and while I’m definitely going to PAX12 next year, I’m going to actually do some prep work so I have a great deal more fun than I did this time around. And maybe I’ll wear a corset just to a) fit in and b) show them how it’s supposed to be done. Heh.

this display was roped off and next to nothing - i still don't know what it was advertising. acid reflux, perhaps.

BEHOLD THE MIGHTY CODPIECE OF DRIZZT and try not to think about why it's hovering around his bellybutton

okay, this was pretty cool.

aww, poor lil' guy is all tuckered out

i wanted to marry this girl dressed as Beat from Jet Set Radio Future, but she was on the phone :(

*snicker*

his sign reads "brothers killed in war please help god bless" and people were tossing coins at him (mostly Canadian)

did i mention the paramount was gorgeous?

Once again, the three things I look for at PAX were not there: a booth for Jet Set Radio Future Future, a section in the Squenix booth for The World Ends With You Again, and anything Katamari related. So, I will try again next year. I have not yet given up hope, even if it wavered a little at PAX 11.