It was fun – or something – while it lasted, but I’m done talking about the riots (and I really mean it this time). Please forward all interview requests to my agent (who is really just me in pants); I’ll be over here writing about my usual stuff: boobs, ironically subversive ways in which I defy authority while being the voice of said authority, and Having Adventures. I do so love Adventures; don’t you?

I am not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination, but there’s something magical about being out in the city before dawn. It was spectacular outside at 05:36 – the streets were quiet, the sun had just come out, the air was refreshing, and I didn’t have to pay for parking. There were other perks, too: I got the best scooter spot in the garage, the lights are still out in the office making it much easier to work, and the breakfast buffet in the deli next door was fresh and tasty. These are all good things. However, they’re not worth getting up at 03:30 for – I can live with parking Lola in a still-awesome-but-not-prime spot, I prefer my eggs dry anyway, and the fluorescent lights above me in the office have been long disabled for my comfort. I’ll deal with the super early morning if there’s a really good reason, but it’s not something I want to make a habit of. I like my sleep.

I am amused by the guy who commented that my blog post about being on TV was “all about me”. Um, this is my site. It’s a personal blog. It’s where I write about stuff that happens to me. So .. congratulations on getting that, I guess? Funny.

i appreciated the fact that this was non-phallic

Dear riot apologist and sympathizers:

Feeling sorry for the outed rioters because of what social media is doing to them?

Read this, and try again:

click for full article

I’m a female gamer of questionable sex appeal who grew up online, so if you want to call me names or hold me responsible for everything “social media” has done in response to the riot so far, go ahead – there’s not much you can say to me that I haven’t heard already. I do question your priorities, though. If you can’t read the post linked above and steel yourself against some (some being the key word – I don’t condone racist, sexist, or homophobic remarks, or the direct contact of friends/family/employers of those involved) of the backlash the rioting assholes are getting because of their actions, then are you really any better? Or are you the kind of person who has to cheer for the underdog at all times?

I refuse to apologize for my riot posts, and the nurse’s take on that night is exactly the reason why.

For each person cheering about the fate of the rioters and looters, it seems as though there’s another person standing in the background saying “who are we to judge these people?”. That’s a valid line of thinking, and there have been many posts made already about the evils of mob justice and social media and snitching. That’s not what this post is about, though.

M. Wallace left an interesting comment on my Only Human post:

I don’t by any stretch of the imagination defend the actions of the accused; if proved guilty, they should be punished accordingly. We all know what they have done is stupid, irresponsible, incomprehensible…(or insert any or all other derogatory adjectives of your choice here).

Okay now relax, take a deep breath and reflect on YOUR past for a moment. Haven’t you ever done anything stupid and/or illegal at some point in your life? Haven’t you ever been caught up in a moment and done something careless (even to a lesser degree) that you’ve regretted. I think many people are jumping on the self-righteous band wagon, joining the witch hunt and demanding we crucify the accused when there are skeletons in their own closets. Ironically, I’ve noticed many bloggers flirting with the boundaries of the law to see justice served. Again, I think it’s important to note that I don’t defend their actions however I think many people are getting off track. Yes, we love our city. Yes, we are embarrassed by what has happened. Yes, we don’t want this type of thing to occur again. Let’s focus our attention on the positive and let’s not forget that there are murderers and rapists out there that don’t get a fraction of the attention that these people are receiving.

So before you judge too harshly…what’s in your closet?

His/Her comment is far from the only one I’ve received in which people ask if I’d like MY past spread out all over the internet for people to see and judge; I’m only picking on it because it’s a) probably the most eloquent and b) the most recent, and I’m too lazy to dig through the rest for more.

So how about it? What’s in my closet? Am I so perfect that I have nothing in my past to be ashamed of? If the shoe was on the other foot, would I want my misdeeds hung out like dirty laundry for the world to see?

I got to thinking about my misspent youth and all the terrible things I’ve done, and decided the naysayers have a point. So, here: a comprehensive list of the horrible things I’ve done:

• When I was very young – like, 7 years old – I was a master thief of loose change. I got to be so adept at stealing quarters that my parents locked their bedroom to keep me out of the piggy banks. To get around this, I simply stole the key and continued raiding the change jar so I could buy candy.
• When I was 15, a group of friends and I threw some eggs off the top of a parking garage and we were busted by the cops (who were stationed on the main floor of the very same parking garage)
• I cheated on my Accounting 101 final project
• I’ve purchased illegal drugs
• I’ve abused prescription medicine
• I cheated on a boyfriend
• I rode my scooter in the bus only lane and got a ticket for it
• I (rightfully) contested a traffic violation in court mostly to see what would happen because I’ve never been in court before, and this undoubtedly cost the tax payers some money
• My license plate ran over a cop

How shameful of me. How would I feel if someone posted this information all over the internet so it could follow me for years?

OH WAIT.

• Here’s the egg story – I posted it in January 2005
• I confessed to cheating on my Accounting project in June of 2007
• Not one but two posts about buying illegal drugs!
• Those times I abused prescription medication
• Traffic violations are no fun
• .. so sometimes I waste taxpayer money for the hell of it
• My license plate ran over a cop, you say?
• I’ve blogged about being a pre-teen kleptomaniac before, but I can’t find the posts
• I haven’t blogged about cheating on a boyfriend because he’s also in the Social Media scene, it was 17 years ago, we’ve both moved on, and I have no desire to open old wounds

These are but some of the bad things I’ve done, but they’re likely the very worst because I am a square.

Let me know which ones are as bad as setting cars on fire, smashing store windows, looting, flipping cars, beating up strangers, torching cop cars, or punching police.

My whole point (and I do have one) is that yes, everyone has things they would hate to have out in the open – but it’s the severity and magnitude of your actions that dictate public response. Do I deserve to lose my job because I bought pot a couple times? Of course not. Would I deserve to lose my job if I was filmed and identified as being a drug kingpin responsible for untold amounts of public misery? Absolutely. Maybe that’s not the best analogy, but I stand by it – my misdeeds, youthful or otherwise, are nowhere NEAR as bad as anything that happened on Wednesday night, and it would have to be a slow news day in hell for anyone to want to out my actions on Facebook or blogs.

If you don’t want people to know your shameful actions, don’t do them in a public place.

If you don’t want to be named as a criminal, don’t commit crimes.

If you don’t want to hurt your family and friends, don’t do things that would hurt them.

This isn’t rocket science, people.

What’s in YOUR wallet closet?

batman loves you (the rest of us think you're a jerk)

Although his father told CBC that the photo of his son lighting the police car on fire was “misleading“, he’s turned himself in and made a televised apology. He’s also been provisionally kicked off the water polo team, and the University of Calgary says he is not enrolled there.

Brock Anton, who is 23 years old, has deleted his Facebook account and his friends who originally liked his now-famous status are pulling away; apologizing for being associated with him in the first place. On Twitter, a different friend of his is wildly defending Brock’s actions and suggested to me that my post was a “bad idea if [I] knew him” and that “everyone makes mistakes” because, after all, it’s not like he raped or murdered anyone.

The Screaming Asian Air Cadet has indeed been arrested, and was confronted by police at school.

A variety of rioters have turned themselves – or had parents drag them – into the police after realizing how widespread the post-riot manhunt was.

Tim Kwong from Burnaby tried to deny his role in the riots, but confessed after the videos surfaced. After turning himself into the police, he’s been charged with 4 counts and posted an apology.

Camille Cacnio has been fired from her job for looting the night of the riot. Interesting, Camille was a member of the Enspire Foundation. Her profile – which has since been removed – quoted her as saying “As cliché as it sounds, I really do try to make the world a better place – which is why I am so excited that I am taking part in the Bulacan Community Project as an Ambassador. Life is hard back at home, but through our dedication that can slowly change.”

Every single person I’ve read about being arrested or named as a thief or rioter was outed because of Facebook – and every single one of those Facebook profiles have been deleted. That won’t help, guys. You are fucked.

I’ve heard of at least a half dozen people who were fired on Friday after their pictures appeared in The Province’s multi-page spread of riot photos, and there are likely countless others.

City officials are under a great deal of pressure to find and charge these assholes, and it looks like they’re doing just that. This pleases me – it’s an excellent birthday present.

Many people have asked me to keep posting information and images about the rioters, and I appreciate the support – but this will likely be my last post on this subject. There are several reasons for this:

• There are many blogs out there with a great deal more information than I have and the inclination to post what they find
• It’s time to let the city do what has to be done – people are identifying those who need to be punished, and we have to trust that the VPD will follow up through the proper channels
• Going over these images again and again is depressing as hell
• Delicious Juice Dot Com isn’t a dedicated riot blog, and I don’t have any desire to be one – I have so many other highly inappropriate things to write about, because it’s what I do
• We need to move on – it’s time to concentrate on healing instead of wallowing in hate. The rioters and looters will get theirs, and the internet will make sure their names live on in infamy. It’s time to heal, people – focus on doing some good and together we can make our city even greater than it was before

<3

real fans don't riot

fans didn't do this

domo <3 vancouver

Yesterday was one of the strangest days I’ve ever had in my life. The Fountain of WTF peaked around 5pm, when I was interviewed at CBC for Connect with Mark Kelley – you can check it out below; my segment starts around 8:30 mark (but the whole show is great; lots of talk about the riots and people who tried to help during it).

Incidentally, it’s hard to get a screen cap with my name (spelled right this time!) in which I do not look like some sort of tool.

i'm a blogger!

Some things to note:

• Isn’t my hair awful? I cut it myself the night before. In retrospect, if I had known I was gonna be on TV, I might have put the scissors down.
• I’m wearing the same dress I was wearing the LAST time I was on CBC – how gauche!
• No, I can’t say that last sentence with a straight face, and I find it utterly hysterical that it’s something I can utter at all – my life is ridiculous
• Dude, they covered my boobs with a banner! I suppose that’s for the best – again, if I had known I was going to be on TV I might have worn something a little more demure
• Oh, who am I kidding – I’d probably have shown up looking like this
• It’s my birthday! Happy birthday to me!

I’ve got birthday things to do now, but I’ve got a follow up post about the rioters I featured below a-brewin’ in my head – I’ll try to get that up later today. A lot of stuff has unfolded in the last 36 hours, and it’s all fascinating (in a voyeuristic kind of way).

Who is this YouTube-link-posting fiend I have turned into? I do not even know. At any rate, the following video made me laugh so hard I cried. Actual tears! On my face! creggerca, you are a genius of epic proportions and I would like to lick your guitar shake your hand.

So, so, so much love and hilarity.

You know, now that I’ve got the world’s attention, I really feel like I ought to use my power for good instead of evil (or for evil instead of good, depending on which side of the debate you’re on). No pressure, or anything. This is my 15 minutes! Where’s my soapbox?

..

um

.. yeah, I got nothing.

How about I just post utterly unrelated content instead?

I know this video is from 2007 and is therefore, in internet terms, older than dirt itself – but I literally (not fake literally, either – actual literally) got goosebumps while watching it.

Man oh man, I love me some Optimus Prime.

the moist-maker!

NMA TV is a Taiwanese-based news organization that makes Sims-style animated movies of various events in the news, and Vancouver just got their turn:

I’m not so far gone under the questionable (to some) banner of e-justice that I can’t find this absolutely hilarious, stereotypes and all!

I realize that I unintentionally upset a lot of people with my “Real Vancouverites” label, so it’s time to do some ‘splainin’:

The 60,000 of you who have read those words in the last 20 hours or so – hello, by the way – don’t know me, or spend any time inside my head. What seems to you like a cruel dig at the ‘burbs really isn’t, because that’s not how I roll. I could spend paragraphs trying to make you see my brain matter, but it’s not yet 8am, I haven’t had any Diet Coke, I’m naked and wet from the shower, and I’m really regretting last night’s spontaneous home haircut .. so you’re just going to have to take my word for it.

“Real Vancouverites” had nothing at all do to with geography, and everything to do with pride (and taxes). I’m proud to live in Vancouver, and that pride – plus a very strict moral code and tiny little elf hands that couldn’t flip a car if they tried – is what stops me from doing things like rioting, destroying property, lighting cars on fire, and running people over with my scooter (although that last one is harder to avoid with every Mercedes that tries to run me off the road). The rioters? They don’t care about this city. They just wanted to cause some trouble, have some “fun”, and maybe show their friends how cool they are what with all the awesome pictures people took of them. They are not who I think of when I think of the people who make up Vancouver, the Lower Mainland, BC. They don’t embody the spirit of our city – THESE people do. These are the people who are “Real Vancouverites”, regardless of where they actually live. They’re what make our city great, and are the ones who deserve to live in this awesome, amazing part of the world.

So, why make such a big deal about the rioters not being from Vancouver proper? Taxes, man. My knowledge of where my tax money goes pretty much ends at paying my many parking tickets, but these carpetbaggers (I really just wanted to use that term again; it’s great) live – and pay taxes – in Richmond, Maple Ridge, Delta. Okay, maybe some of the property tax their parents pay go towards keeping Vancouver beautiful, but I bet most of it goes to the town they postally live in. Hell, Water Polo Dick Douche lives in Calgary. He doesn’t pay squat in Vancouver. He isn’t FROM here, in every sense of the word.

Next on my Lucy Docket: naming names. See the part of the post below where I fully admit that vengeance is not pretty? Well, there you go. Yeah, I’m rotten enough to want their acts to follow them around. Other people gain notoriety for far worse or ridiculous reasons; why shouldn’t this be the same? People are asking me if I would want my dirty laundry aired for all to see – um, it already is. Again, you’re new here – but I’ve been blogging here for YEARS (ten of them!), and I. Share. EVERYTHING. Also, I’m not an asshole and don’t have any humiliating acts of vandalism following me around. The worst thing the Wayback Machine has on me is the fact that my very first webpage ever was written in Comic Sans – embarrassing, but wouldn’t keep me from getting employed (as anything other than a designer or typesetter). If you don’t do shameful, cowardly things, they won’t follow you around. It’s that simple.

The information I posted last night is widely available for anyone with the gumption to do a little digging. I had nothing to do last night, so I dug and dug and then I wrote in a fit of righteous ire and also a cape. *I* didn’t out these people, their actions did. I consilodated the information, added some snark to it, and made a post on my blog. Did I expect my internets to blow up like this? Of course not. Am I regretting my post? Oh HELL naw. That’s not how I roll. I’m good at rolling, too. Optimus Prime taught me.

I might be Batman in my head, but I am just one small round girl on the internet with fast fingers and the mouth of a sailor. If my information is proven to be wrong, I will gladly remove it and post several flowing odes in honour of those I did done wrong. If I’m right, though .. well, free speech and the power of SEO and all that good stuff. I didn’t post anything that isn’t ALL OVER THE INTERNET. I just made it accessible. I’m like a wheelchair ramp. Why are you yelling at a wheelchair ramp?

Lastly, I’m trying very hard not to think about the cold, hard fact that this is the most exposure my blog will likely ever have, in all 10+ years of existence – and it’s not because of anything awesome I did or wrote, but because some jackhole dick douche idiots had to go and wreck the city I love. That’s sobering and depressing (but I’ll still take it). After all, I’m only human.

this is my vancouver

I’m honest enough with myself to know that, deep down, I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and also karmic retribution. Vengeance isn’t a pretty trait, but sometimes it’s just so satisfying that I shiver with flavour and tiny little orgaslettes. Like now! Facebook pages fade away, but I have over ten years of content online and meticulously groomed and I never, ever forget!

I figure we could all use some good news, so here:

photo credit: unknown

This fine young gentleman is Jason Li of Richmond BC. There are numerous claims that he was actually a hero and was trying to stop the destruction, but many videos prove otherwise and show him breaking the window of the BMO downtown. Jason attends – or possibly attended, as there are rumours that he was expelled at the instant of his arrest – McRoberts Secondary. In addition to being an Air Cadet, he is also an amateur actor:

He was caught this afternoon at school, where he shall live on in infamy:

from the McRoberts Secondary page on Wikipedia

Good work, everyone.

But that’s not all!

photo credit: unknown

Meet Nathan Kotylak from Maple Ridge, BC! Nathan, while not lighting cop cars on fire in downtown Vancouver, is a star water polo player who attends the University of Calgary on a scholarship. He’s the son of a doctor, and an Olympic hopeful. Here’s what he looks like when he isn’t committing cowardly acts of destruction in my city:

This photo, and the accompanying article, appeared in newspapers all over the Lower Mainland less than two months ago. How far Nathan has come since then!

photo credit: unknown

This is Brydon Harker, who attends Delta Secondary. Brydon would like you to please not judge him for his actions, because the window was already broken and he just made a “drunk mistake”. I’m sure we can all forgive him, right? After all, boys will be boys!

There are HUNDREDS of these. I could go on all night. I want these people to be forever tied to their actions last night; for their names to be known by everyone who loves this city – Vancouver, where NONE OF THESE PEOPLE ARE FROM – and to be made to pay for their crimes. And they will. And I am just human enough to know that the thought of their humiliation for years to come makes me REALLY, REALLY HAPPY.

I’m sure you’ll forgive my vengeful fantasies – it’s just a drunk mistake!