what’s my name

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This is one of the few things that can completely paralyze me with indecision and a monumental fear of judgement:

if it's not FUNNY people will think LESSER of me

if it’s not FUNNY people will JUDGE ME

Nothing dries my creativity up faster than something needing to be named. I have paused in front of screens like this for more collective time than I ever dare admit; all for an inability to a) pick a name, b) come up with something suitably amusing, c) settle for the boring default. It’s a problem: you have no idea how long it took me to name my phone. If I were to ever be saddled with the naming of a live creature, it would likely turn 15 before I decided on what to call it (while second guessing this utterly inconsequential decision every step of the way).

I got a new computer last night: a 27″ iMac that is the size of a planet. I am hoping to use my old 21.5″ iMac as a second monitor via TDM (which will always mean team deathmatch to me but apparently also can stand for target display mode), but right now it is being a jealous bitch and refusing to Bluetooth properly. In between fighting with Leonidas (my old iMac; so named because our house is named Sparta only because I watched 300 the night before we moved in) and upgrading the OS on my new machine, I did what anyone would do in this ridiculous first world situation: I put tiny crows on the top of my old machine.

caw! no bluetooth for you! caw!

caw! no bluetooth for you! caw!

I need to stop rearranging my desk and get myself presentable: I need to go outside for a cable and also more Diet Coke and perhaps some Bluetooth that isn’t giving me ass marbles.

defeat

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The following things have soundly defeated me this week:

  • Pants

Earlier this year I splurged on a ridiculously expensive pair of jeans, which I then hemmed. Both of these things are unheard of: jeans are little more than blue pants, and I never hem things (preferring to trip over myself with every second step and also sweep floors). I was against the very notion, but I felt that maybe (probably) some day I would find myself in a peril that could only be resolved by my covered shins so I reluctantly outfitted myself appropriately. Unfortunately, the jeans I bought turned out to have a faulty zipper: it wouldn’t stay up. I used a key ring to keep myself relatively decent by looping it over the button, but this past weekend the zipper failed me entirely. It fell apart on my way to Victoria, and could not be fixed with any amount of hammer use. Luckily I had only planned to wear pants on the way there, but it was still awkward for the 3+ hours I had to walk around with my fly gaping open. Normally I’d write the pants off as a loss, but they were really fucking expensive so I took them in to a tailor for an emergency zipperectomy. See, this is why no one should ever wear pants: they are full of betrayal and also are stupid.

  • Apple and Disney

I like supporting dev studios if I enjoy the fuck out of their apps. This past weekend, I tried to make an in-app purchase of some game currency. I had a sketchy connection all over the place, so I didn’t think anything of it when the purchase didn’t go through: I just tried again later. Unfortunately, the purchase DID go through the first time .. at least, financially. I was charged $4.99 twice, but only received one set of the currency. No problem – I’ll just contact Apple and explain the mistake, right? Oh, but no. See, this happened before with an album purchase that went through twice. Apple reversed the charge (who would buy an album twice in the span of 25 seconds) then .. but because they did, that was my one freebie reversal and they won’t do it this time: I’m SOL. Well, that sucks. I reached out to Disney, but they’ve ignored my issue entirely. I know it’s only $5, but it’s the principle of the thing: you charged me, and I didn’t get the item. Hell, I’d be happy even if they gave me the purchase in the app .. but since they won’t answer me at all, I’m bitter and complaining about it on the internet.

  • Work

Work is busy. I am busy. I am only writing right now because I’m ignoring my lunch. This isn’t a complaint – I like being busy – but it has direct correlation to my next defeat:

  • NaBloPoMo

I am out. I wasn’t able to update yesterday (that TV wasn’t going to watch itself), so I failed in the pointless endeavour to write a blog post every day in November. Truthfully, I wasn’t feeling it – I’d much rather post real content when I feel like it, instead of rambling nonsense* to meet a quota. I do not feel guilty about failing NaBloPoMo.

*: Yes I’m aware that my “real content” is still rambling nonsense: shut up.

  • My Better Judgement

I got my wrist slapped at work yesterday for Instagramming something that was a big no-no. If I had given any thought to it whatsoever I would have realized it was a Bad Idea, but that didn’t happen so I merrily posted the picture. It was almost immediately deleted, but in the minute or so that it was up, one of the half-dozen people that saw it included my boss. Oops. Bad Kimli.

  • Doors

I’ve walked into three doors today. While a lesser person would think that perhaps THEY had failed the DOORS, I see it from the other side: the doors failed ME, for not opening magically when I needed to get through. Who cares if the door was locked and I hadn’t scanned my ID to get in? It should know better. Doesn’t the door know WHO I AM?

  • Not getting the D

Someone slipped me the D at work. Scandalous!

As an aside, this post is the 2500th post I’ve made on Delicious Juice Dot Com since switching to WordPress in late 2006. Congratulations, me! That is a metric shit ton of words! Tonight I will celebrate with frozen yogurt.

ambi-curious

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I’ve always wanted to be ambidextrous. In addition to winning bar bets at all the bars I’d inevitably go to if I were ambidextrous, I’d be able to fulfill my ONE TRUE DREAM:

Painting the nails on my right hand.

Right now, I’m rocking an amazing manicure on my left hand only. I bribed myself with a Julep subscription in an attempt to keep from biting my nails, and so far it seems to be working: I get shiny new colours once a month or so, and I’ve yet to fall back into my disgusting (yet comforting) habits. My left hand is delightfully fall-coloured (mono polish is for amateurs), but my right is stark and naked because I am tragically bad at left. It looks a little funny (and is so tempting to gnaw on), but I’m okay with that and also stop staring at my hand you jerk.

I desperately want new nerd toys, but I don’t really need anything. I’m going in circles trying to justify ridiculous purchases to myself, and it’s not working. I am sad and also can’t run a bunch of games I want to play WHAT’S UP WITH THAT.

My first world problems are particularly ridiculous today.

.. but they still count as an update!

dancing girls dance for you

island safari

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Victoria is full of ALL THE ANIMALS:

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deal of the day: KITTEH!

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then there was that time we found a frickin’ SWAN in the inner harbour

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not to be outdone, the swan was quickly followed up by three juvenile raccoons playing in a tree

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oh hello you gorgeous peahen!

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one ninetieth of the ducks in beacon hill park

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sorry, she deserves a second picture: just look at her!

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fat squirrel runnin’ down a tree

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glorious peacock being all majestic n’ shit

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puppy seal eyes!

Being outside is fun.

press the black button

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Today Ed and I had to teach my mother how to use the DVD player. My mother doesn’t know what a “play” button looks like; doesn’t understand the concept of “pause”. It was .. a trying experience. Ed eventually wrote out instructions for her, but we’re not confident – in fact, I think the movie she watched today will likely be the only one she ever views.

I know I often make light of the fact that my mother is not at all technically savvy, but it’s incredibly frustrating and worrisome that she is THAT unable to cope with something so commonplace. When the Great Machine takes over, what will become of her? Will she be tossed aside by our new overlords? Or will she be our saviour, defeating technology with shelled walnuts and cauliflower in the omelettes?

Darkness is coming.

achievement unlocked: walnuts

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My mother has this weird detector thing plugged in next to the plywood board we sleep on. It’s huge, and covers the only outlet anywhere near us – so we unplugged it for phone charging. Seems logical, right? Whatever the thing detects, the universe won’t implode if it’s undetectable for an evening.

That was the plan, which never seems to match up with my reality. The box doesn’t seem to detect anything except being unplugged, at which point it SCREAMS LKE A FUCKING BANSHEE. So, my mother has a device that alerts her loudly when it’s unplugged. And that’s it. Don’t touch the mystery device, or it will FREAK THE FUCK OUT. And it’s bottom heavy. It falls out of the socket if you look at it funny, and then BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP with no way to turn it off (except to plug it back in) or even mute the fucking thing.

What is this, and who the fuck would invent such a terrible device? All I want to do is charge my phone. Stop screaming at me.

On the plus side, my mother got screens for her windows and I was able to open one last night to make it slightly less hot than the fires of hell in here. I actually slept! That was nice.

I’m going outside now, where there are no walnuts under the bed.

oh oh oh

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You know a game is good when you get genuinely excited to see that it’s gone on sale, because then you get to encourage people to give it a try:

DA

Devil’s Attorney

iOS/Android
Genre: turn-based lawyer RPG
Price: Free/$0.99

I’ve recommended this game before – it made it on my “Best of 2012” list. Here’s what I said back in January: Devil’s Attorney was a complete surprise, and I loved it. You play Max, a sleazy lawyer who uses sneaky tactics of questionable legality to defend your clearly-guilty clients. Work your way to the top by taking out witnesses, evidence, and prosecuting attorneys by any means necessary. Add in great voice work, a wholly original idea, and the sleek dazzling veneer of the 1980s and you have a fantastic sleeper hit that deserves all the praise it’s been getting. Also: pimp hat. Can’t lose!

All of that is still true; more so now that the game is on sale. I highly recommend getting it for the device of your choice: you can play it while you wait for your Death Star inventory to restock.

I’m off to Victoria for the weekend, to visit my mother. While there, I’m going to attempt to convince her that she should buy a 330 sqft condo – this will go over about as well as you can imagine. Still, her basement suite is fucking awful, and I will keep trying to convince her to move already until she’s out of there.

I have hopes that the weather won’t be completely terrible while we’re there, so expect a lot of pictures of trees. I’m not taking a computer, but I still plan to post some updates .. I’ll give the apps a rest until Monday. Between the tiny Death Star, the sleazy lawyer, and the finger banging tutorial, your hands will be full (pun totally intended) over this long weekend as it is.

Does anyone know what I did with the key to my mother’s place?

something different

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Ever wanted to know how to treat a vagina? There’s an app for that:

LS

Luxuria Superbia

iPad Only
Genre: vagina touching
Price: $2.99

This isn’t so much a recommendation (I haven’t tried the app) as it is “oh man look at this it’s all about foreplay!!” commentary, but .. dude. From the app description:

A simple game of touch, pleasure and joy. Luxuria Superbia is a colorful, musical journey made to fill you with joy. Exciting designs explode from your touch as you glide through playful stylized flowers. It’s all about the experience and the interaction. “Colorful… and oh-so-touchable. So touch it. You know you want to.”  — Andrew Vestal, Gaming Intelligence Agency

The screenshots are the best. “You are entering a flower. The flower is blank, but it enjoys color.” “It’s fun. Use all your fingers. Be gentle and slow to score.” “Your screen will never feel the same.”

You can’t tell me that’s not about vaginas. Vaginas are flowers! They enjoy colour and when you use all your fingers! If you’re gentle and slow, you’ll totally score! They may as well have called this app “Third Base: Fingering”.

And the innuendos just keep going:

A flower always starts out colorless. But when you touch it, color fills the tunnel. Stay in the glowing flower as long as possible! Play slowly and gently to get a high score. Just pushing through as fast as you can will result in failure. The game wants you to take it easy and be playful. The game engages with you –alone or with a friend– as an encouraging partner.

I’m pretty sure those are the EXACT WORDS I used the first time someone touched my own glowing flower, alone or with a friend.

Fuck this, I’m totally gonna buy this app right now. It’s been a while since I’ve been in someone else’s flower-like tunnel, and $3 is a low price to pay for access to someone’s garden temple.