To heck with the end of the year; it’s the end of a DECADE! Let’s recap this bitch:

2000: I wasn’t blogging at this point, so I honestly have no idea what I did. If memory serves me correctly, I was working for P&G and moved out of my bachelor suite into an apartment with Ed so that was pretty major.

2001: Was downsized. Started blogging. Played many games with the QGirlZ. Got a new job; met many people who would become important fixtures in my life. Got engaged!

2002: Had many excellent times with Ali.  Got downsized again. Started shoutcasting. Got married!

2003: Couldn’t find a job. Started wearing corsets for fun and profit. Casted games almost every single day. Finally found a job; drove me to a deep depression. Had a heartbreaking fallout with friends. Things were terrible.

2004: Went on medication to fix my brain. Got fired from my horrible job. Started working for IBM! Finally moved to Vancouver hooray!

2005: Enjoyed Vancouver. Got a scooter! Began Operation: Convince Friends to Move. Casted a lot; traveled. Lost my father under suspicious circumstances; was devastated.

2006: Casted at CES; was told you can’t market Mama Cass. Ego STILL reeling almost 4 years later. Downsized again. Got a job at a Space Station. Continued to scoot. Had to wear pants for 2 months as Josh crashed with us before finding an apartment.

2007: Casted at CES again; fatness be damned. Shan moved to Vancouver! Dislocated my shoulder fighting ninjas. Things in Space went from bad to hilarious. Sold Sally to Reilly; bought Oscar. Lost my job in an extremely illegal manner; was paid hush money to never speak of it again.

2008: Got my current job. Visited a potato farm deep undercover. Scooted everywhere! Had excellent times with our motley crew of assorted friends. Started to go insane again; upped my meds in response. Bought all the video games in the world.

2009: .. read yesterday’s post; I’m not typing that shit out again.

Reading my old posts is kind of like torture. I’m glad they’re there, but strictly for informative purposes – when I am captured by enemy agents and they shine lights on me and ask where I was on August 18th 2003, I can answer with some degree of certainty. No, I wasn’t infiltrating that fancy dinner party with the heads of state; I was shopping in Calgary. Why do you ask?

So, what did I hope to accomplish in 2009? According to the internet:

• The usual; eat healthy and get outside more
• Drive to San Francisco – I have Ed’s word that this will happen this year
• Continue to eliminate our debt – the Mazdabator will be paid off in March, which will go a long way in helping us get rid of the other debts
• Here’s a new one: buy fewer video games. Shock and awe and all that, but I actually burned myself out on DS games this year. I currently have 5 unopened titles that I need to find time to play, and I’m just not feeling the burn like I did earlier in 2008
• Really work on that Being Social thing – Vancouver has a large and active blog community but very few people know who I am, even after being a Best of 604’er
• My no-flying in 2008 went really well; let’s continue to be green and attempt to scoot everywhere instead of driving (except to SF)
• Upgrade Oscar to 150ccs so I can go zippy fast hooray!
• Keep living the excellent life
• Be happy and content with Ed and our feline army
• Get my wordy tattoo
• Take over the world

Not too shabby. We did make great progress with our debt, but then we went and bought a condo so looking back on the 2K we owed back then is hilarious and quaint. I did fly in 2009, to Edmonton and back so there goes that one. I didn’t get inked – I still want to; I just ran out of time. World domination? Well, that takes time – ask me again in a couple of years, but I’m guessing by that time you’ll all be pledging allegiance to the Great Nation of Delicious Juice. The uniforms are orange. You’ll love it.

What will 2010 bring? I’m not allowed to tell you – something about causing a paradox – but here’s what I’d like to do:

• Use the fancy new gym downstairs
• Graduate kollege
• Scoot to Seattle
• Spend more time in Portland
• More scandals!
• Go swimming
• Survive the Olympics
• Do more crafty things
• Have all the fun ever

.. it’s a good list, I think.

How about you?

2009 was apparently the International Year of Natural Fibres. If I had known this some 363 days ago, I may have (but probably not) done something about it – as it stands, it seems like a slap in the face to pay tribute to Natural Fibres now, with less than 48 hours left in the year.

As far as years go, 2009 was both awesome and difficult. Many good times were had this year, but the fun was interspersed with heartbreak and angst:

January:  Realized that Sasha was seriously ill. Hosted my mother for a weekend visit; survived. Lost my wedding ring. Was invited to attend the opera! Lost my wallet while working at Indie I Do. Got my wallet back under extremely suspicious circumstances. Sold out; got toothbrushes. Attended my first opera ever! Also attended the So You Think You Can Dance tour to balance things out; almost cut a bitch (but settled for punching her).

February: Ran out of my favourite curry powder, a bigger deal than you would expect. Finally saw Tegan and Sara in concert. Finally had my court date; wasn’t thrown in jail. Told the whole story about my lost wallet. Thoroughly scandalized people at a Valentine’s party; the Vancouver Hipster Swing Club is born. Attended Northern Voice sort of; was very sick throughout the entire event. Gave up bacon milkshakes for Lent. Lived through the recession – Ed lost his job as a rodeo clown.

March: Tried to hold a Lo-Fi Scooter Workshop; failed miserably. Opera! Asparagus! Applied to volunteer at the 2010 Olympics. Celebrated Ed’s new job by buying dildos out of spite. Stuffed 12 pop culture references into one glorious post. Upgraded Oscar to 150ccs!

April: Wrote the worst update ever written. Scored a new DSi for $5; obtained a USB vibrator. Broke my damn vagina! Fixed it, coz my vagina is made of Wolverine. Discovered that Oscar’s license plate had been stolen. Was called a racist. Had a mental breakdown because Ed made more money than me. Made plans to replace lost wedding ring; found it 4 days later. Took my daughter to work. Was too ugly for Molson Canada. Realized our good names were being smeared in the mud by uptight girls; was outraged!

May: Opera! Took my pants off outside said opera! Had Craft! Liked my burritos like I liked my men! Saw Death by Stereo and Strung Out at Richards on Richards. Enjoyed some free meat; almost burned the house down. WENT TO SAN FRANCISCO! Who cares what else happened in May; we went to San Francisco!

June: Couldn’t find a family doctor because I am on Team No Babies. Explained the bucket. Confessed to having wet pants. Applied for an Enhanced Driver’s License. Told the story about the comma. Got sad about getting older. Bought Lola on a whim. Totally owned the Fake Kimli. Jumped through several thousand hoops to get a new iPhone. Found out my stolen license plate had run over a cop; was terribly amused.

July: Lost Sasha.

August: Began to think about moving. Saw RENT (3 times!) Called the cops on my neighbours for drunk driving. Took up e-activism; got angry at Tim Hortons for supporting the NMO. Got kicked out of a parkade; took up more activism. Bubbles! Zombies! Was almost killed by frat boys in a large car. Had a bubble picnic!

September: Laughed at the City’s attempts to solve the scooter parking situation. Went to PAX! Came home with Swine Flu. Was very very sad; figured out why. Went to Portland; fell in love. Attended another Swinger’s Party. Got pre-approved for a mortgage; began the process.

October: Discovered that work Had My Back. Started house hunting for reals. Went to Edmonton for Thanksgiving. Found drugs while cleaning up our smashed car window. Zombie’d. Saw the perfect place, put in an offer, and had the offer accepted all within 24 hours.

November: Celebrated the house buying. Fought with the downstairs neighbours. Had funding on our house denied. Went to Tofino; almost drowned. Tried several ways to make the house purchase work; all ultimately failed. Was devastated. Had the bedroom ceiling spring a leak due to a Molson Cold Shot. Saw many, many potential homes. Moved Josh and Shan into their new home; was sad that they left me. Heart broke for Miranda and Reilly after losing Luna. Put in an offer on a condo in a new building. Moved Miranda and Reilly into their new home. Failed NaBloPoMo for the first time in years – oops.

December: Got into college. Potential financing snag in second offer broke my brain completely. Showed off boobs at #hipsterkegger. Signed mortgage papers while hammered! Threw out so many things; donated even more. Packed all the boxes in the world. Cancelled Christmas. Discovered I had grandparents! Attempted to get sued by Lululemon. MOVED! Settled in; officially stopped living in the Ghetto of North Vancouver. Enjoyed the hell out of #hipsterchristmas. Hired cleaners; felt guilty. Wrote this enormous update naked and shivering.

This took forever to write, and now I need to have a shower. I’ve got a hot date with bowling and pizza, and a New Year’s Party to prepare for – I have no time for (further) reminiscing!

I would be very bad at being rich enough to have people who do things for me.

We hired cleaners to take care of our old apartment, because we really are that lazy and honestly don’t care enough to do a very good job. Our landlord is notoriously cheap, and keeps warning us “he’s expensive” if we leave any corner unswept – I’d just rather not give him any excuse to hold back our damage deposits, because that money has been earmarked for ale and whores to ring in the new year.

Back to the cleaners, though – I feel terrible that they’re cleaning up after me! Yes I’m paying them and they’re charging a good deal per hour more than I make, but still – I am a horrible entitled person for letting lovely girls deal with my unspeakable messes. I feel like I should be there with them, elbow deep in suds and crusty fridge leavings. There is much guilt. I could never deal with having cleaners in on a regular basis, no matter how enticing that sounds.

There’s a new camera app on iTunes called Hipstamatic that I’ve been playing with for the last couple days. It’s really kind of cool – allows you to choose your lens, flash and film – and the pictures come out with some awesome effects. Camera Bag is still by far my favourite camera app, but this one is really fun. I used it to take pictures of some of my Christmas Blind Box Loot:

all my toys are scary

it's like looking out the window

Check out the app’s manual for more info. It is neat. And yes, I totally clicked on the app in the first place because it called to my inner hipster. I am too cool for school.

zzzz

I was waiting for Ed to finish putting up pictures and hangy things, but I could WAIT NO MORE:

living room!

the other side of the living room!

my desk (clearly the most important part of the whole place)

the (messy) bedroom

my bathroom: no boys allowed

stinky man bathroom

the office/guest room

boooooooks

all hail the kitchen of awesome!

Taa-daaaaa!

I’m housesitting at Reilly and Miranda’s for the time being, as a nasty enterprising crackhead thought to smash in one of their windows in the hopes of stealing a computer or seven. Nothing was taken and the window didn’t actually give, but they had a shoot this afternoon and someone had to babysit the hole as it’s being repaired. I have a good setup here – my choice of terribly fancy computers, a fridge that makes ice cubes at the press of a button, and a steady supply of Diet Coke. Also, I have Reilly’s Visa. This can only be an afternoon of awesome.

My brain is in a pleasant holiday fog – I have no idea what day it is, and I don’t feel any kind of pressing urge to fix this any time soon. While I do have to work next week, I’m working from home – I have a great deal of editing to do – and therefore I don’t have to worry about pants until we’re well into January.

Christmas Eve/Day went by in a flurry of food and friends, just as we planned. We spent Christmas Eve at Josh and Shan’s place on the mountain, and enjoyed a delicious lasagna dinner with all the trimmings. It was a great evening, and we ate ourselves immobile – surely the sign of a successful dinner party.

I arose bright and early on Christmas morning and began to prepare a feast for the ages. I made apple pancakes and enough bacon – three 1lb packages AND a kilo of bacon ends – to choke a horse and/or sate Barry, and mimosas were enjoyed all around. This is where I must pause to marvel at the brilliance of a modern kitchen – I cooked a huge breakfast for 9 people, and was completely cleaned up before everyone dispersed for the afternoon. HAH! I can even run the TV and microwave at the same time! This is AMAZING! I want to have sex with my dishwasher!

Everyone headed home for a Christmas nap before dinner in Gastown, and I was no exception. Ed surprised me with a stocking full of my favourite things – blind box toys from Voltage – and I had a delicious (if unintentional) nap until it was time to get up and mash a dozen potatoes for Christmas dinner.

Dinner at Miranda and Reilly’s was a much bigger affair that the two previous meals, but it was fabulous all the same. Friends abound, so very much food, and flowing wine until the wee hours – pretty much the best way to spend a Christmas EVER.

Ed was in dire need of some down time, so I left him at home on Boxing Day and headed out to see what was happening. I have no need of visiting the high traffic stores on the 26th – I traditionally do all my post-Christmas electronic shopping on Christmas Eve when the Future Shop sale starts, and this year was no exception (helloooo 1.5TB hard drive and new iPhone charger/transmitter for the Mazdabator) – but I do have my own favourite places to shop on Shopping Day. I made a trip down to Main Street and stopped at Voltage to take advantage of their sale, and came away with a cute Gama-Go hoodie for $30 (much better than the original $112 sticker) and an assortment of more blind box toys. As much as I love Ed’s stocking presents, it always leads to MORE – I don’t get to go to Voltage often because I have bills to pay, so the after-Christmas sale is an excuse for me to go mildly crazy with bizarre toy fun.

After Voltage, it only made sense to go to Bodacious across the street to see what they had on sale. I walked away with a very cute bright red linen swing jacket for spring, and an elegant bamboo cardigan with big buttons (which I will undoubtedly un-elegant the instant I pair it with a shell cut down to my nipples). I normally feel guilty about shopping after Christmas, but this year there was none of that – we didn’t DO gifts, so I didn’t spend hundreds on others or receive the same; ergo I am allowed – nay, REQUIRED – to boost the economy and have a little fun at the same time.

My last stop for the afternoon was at Urban Barn. We had a gift certificate, and I wanted to see if they had any crazy sales going on that I could take advantage of. Turns out they did, and on Thursday I will be picking up a pair of fancy new bar stools for our kitchen counter. I also got a few decorations for the house, including a mirror that makes no sense and a laundry basket that doesn’t suck for our bedroom.

It’s been a productive few days. Today Ed and I will be going to the old place to pick up the last few things and bring Oscar to the new place, then finishing the last bits of set up. I need to wire my laptop because my wireless is flaky, there are pictures to hang, and I am fairly certain a glorious bath is somewhere in my near future.

It’s hard to believe that the year is almost over. It’s been a seriously crazy one, and the last few months have been a roller coaster of both thrills AND spills. In some ways, it feels as though December passed as one great big party – so much time spent with awesome people, and a new home on top of it all. We are lucky folks.

The new window is installed and I’m free to go – The Loft is safe from enterprising hobos once more, and I’ve eaten an ice cream sandwich. It’s glorious outside, so I’ll get Oscar while the weather holds. Four vehicles in two parking spots? It’s the only way to fly.

When someone you care about confesses that they’ve never had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you do the only humane thing – drop everything, run to the kitchen, and make a round of sandwiches for the room.

While Ed and Josh were off having Boy’s Night at the hockey game, we had Girl Time at my place – Shan, Miranda, Yunn and I settled in to watch as much Glee as we could take in one sitting. We were barely halfway through the first episode and at the scene where Cute Bug-Eyed Counselor shares a sandwich with Barely Older Than His Students Guy when Yunn fessed up – she’d never had a PB&J sandwich. The three of us were shocked, and it was unanimously decided that we pause the show so I could go and make sandwiches for us all. Luckily, Ed and I had done all the groceries in the world earlier this week, and we had all the supplies necessary – peanut butter, strawberry jam, and Wonderbread. We enjoyed our impromptu snack, and Yunn agreed that it was something she needed to experience and would probably be going to the store tomorrow. This may have been to placate us, but we’ll take it – we popped a cherry tonight, and it would do.

It turns out that 6 episodes of Glee back to back is our limit. We’ll watch the rest later, but right now my head hurts from all the suspending of disbelief I did. Still, I love Glee. It’s the first TV show I’ve watched religiously since the early days of CSI.

I also somehow managed to get my shirt stuck in the zipper of my pants, but that is neither here nor there.

It may not be as meaningful as the Royal Christmas Message (for starters, I’m pretty sure the Queen is clothed while making her speech), but here is my annual holiday message:

Merry Christmas, y’all. Here’s to a happy holiday season full of friends and family and food and fairy dust and frankincense and other good words that start with “F”.

Like “fucking”. Fucking starts with F. I hope your holiday season is full of frantic, fabulous, frenzied fantastic fucking.

All fornication aside, I hope you and yours will have a memorable holiday season. As for me, I’m off to spend my holidays with some of my favourite people in the world – and if that isn’t what the season is all about, then we’re doing it wrong and we’re okay with that.

Love and inappropriateness,

Delicious Juice Dot Kimli

Last night, all my underwear disintegrated around me.

It happened well before I decided a late night snack of Pizza Pops was not only appropriate, but darn festive – I felt a pop and a snap and the next thing I know, I’m even more indecent than usual. The scandal! I’ve had underwear come apart before and I’ve broken more underwire than I can count, but I’ve never had them happen almost simultaneously. I suppose it saves me from doing laundry, though – I’ll just throw all my underwear out. Perhaps I should replace it all with more ruffle butt underpants and matching bras.

I have the day off, and it is anything but relaxing. I’m building all the furniture we bought last night at IKEA, and my thumbs are extremely angry at me for it. Still, when I’m done, I’ll be able to hide all the terrible DVDs we own. I’m not quite sure what possessed us to buy the titles we have, especially since all I ever watch is Teletoon and the movies we have air approximately once a week on channel 50. I suppose they might come in handy – you never know when I’ll need to see Tank Girl 17 times instead of just the 16 I’m in danger of now.

Even though I’m technically off, I’m still checking email at work – I’m having a highly entertaining punctuation war with two other managers. So far, I’m winning (as long as you count not abusing commas or apostrophes “winning”, and god knows I certainly do).

What do you mean; abusing the dash is just as bad? Up your mom!

I may actually be able to take pictures later today, once I finish all this sorting. I am pretty excited – our place is friggin’ sweet. Ed is trying to pass off our Christmas Breakfast party as the housewarming party, but I will have none of that – I want a real party, and party we shall. Say, February some time? I’m kind of out of weekends in January already; such is the life of a social butterfly like myself. It’s so hard being in demand.

All those thumb screws have made me giddy.

I was right about the internet being the downfall to our productivity – both internet and TV were hooked up last night, and we got nothing done afterward. It took a Herculean effort and also a crowbar, but eventually I managed to pry both of us away from the blinking electronic things and set out to do groceries. We pretty much bought out the entire Safeway, overfilling a cart and running out of reusable grocery bags – $330 later, we finally have food in our house that isn’t relish. The sad thing is that I’m not DONE – I still need to go to Costco and Bosa Foods for other deliciousness, and I forgot to buy kidney beans. IT NEVER ENDS!

I did buy discount ham, though, so all is good.

Tonight: IKEA. I refuse to unpack the 17 boxes of media until I have somewhere to store it, and that will come in the form of an additional EXPEDIT to match the one I was using as bedroom storage. I’ll miss having a shelf dedicated to my miscellaneous crap, but it’s for the greater good: I can’t play video games until everything is set up, and I really miss video games.

I am running out of TIME. Christmas Breakfast is at our place, and we need to make it livable before we dare host a fancy meal. I figure if I run myself ragged between now and Thursday afternoon, we should be good – not all the pictures might be up, and I still haven’t found a suitable place to hide the dildos, but at least our guests won’t have to trip over boxes and a stunning collection of Optimus Prime memorabilia on their way to the bacon.

I am looking forward to meatballs.