2009 was apparently the International Year of Natural Fibres. If I had known this some 363 days ago, I may have (but probably not) done something about it – as it stands, it seems like a slap in the face to pay tribute to Natural Fibres now, with less than 48 hours left in the year.

As far as years go, 2009 was both awesome and difficult. Many good times were had this year, but the fun was interspersed with heartbreak and angst:

January:  Realized that Sasha was seriously ill. Hosted my mother for a weekend visit; survived. Lost my wedding ring. Was invited to attend the opera! Lost my wallet while working at Indie I Do. Got my wallet back under extremely suspicious circumstances. Sold out; got toothbrushes. Attended my first opera ever! Also attended the So You Think You Can Dance tour to balance things out; almost cut a bitch (but settled for punching her).

February: Ran out of my favourite curry powder, a bigger deal than you would expect. Finally saw Tegan and Sara in concert. Finally had my court date; wasn’t thrown in jail. Told the whole story about my lost wallet. Thoroughly scandalized people at a Valentine’s party; the Vancouver Hipster Swing Club is born. Attended Northern Voice sort of; was very sick throughout the entire event. Gave up bacon milkshakes for Lent. Lived through the recession – Ed lost his job as a rodeo clown.

March: Tried to hold a Lo-Fi Scooter Workshop; failed miserably. Opera! Asparagus! Applied to volunteer at the 2010 Olympics. Celebrated Ed’s new job by buying dildos out of spite. Stuffed 12 pop culture references into one glorious post. Upgraded Oscar to 150ccs!

April: Wrote the worst update ever written. Scored a new DSi for $5; obtained a USB vibrator. Broke my damn vagina! Fixed it, coz my vagina is made of Wolverine. Discovered that Oscar’s license plate had been stolen. Was called a racist. Had a mental breakdown because Ed made more money than me. Made plans to replace lost wedding ring; found it 4 days later. Took my daughter to work. Was too ugly for Molson Canada. Realized our good names were being smeared in the mud by uptight girls; was outraged!

May: Opera! Took my pants off outside said opera! Had Craft! Liked my burritos like I liked my men! Saw Death by Stereo and Strung Out at Richards on Richards. Enjoyed some free meat; almost burned the house down. WENT TO SAN FRANCISCO! Who cares what else happened in May; we went to San Francisco!

June: Couldn’t find a family doctor because I am on Team No Babies. Explained the bucket. Confessed to having wet pants. Applied for an Enhanced Driver’s License. Told the story about the comma. Got sad about getting older. Bought Lola on a whim. Totally owned the Fake Kimli. Jumped through several thousand hoops to get a new iPhone. Found out my stolen license plate had run over a cop; was terribly amused.

July: Lost Sasha.

August: Began to think about moving. Saw RENT (3 times!) Called the cops on my neighbours for drunk driving. Took up e-activism; got angry at Tim Hortons for supporting the NMO. Got kicked out of a parkade; took up more activism. Bubbles! Zombies! Was almost killed by frat boys in a large car. Had a bubble picnic!

September: Laughed at the City’s attempts to solve the scooter parking situation. Went to PAX! Came home with Swine Flu. Was very very sad; figured out why. Went to Portland; fell in love. Attended another Swinger’s Party. Got pre-approved for a mortgage; began the process.

October: Discovered that work Had My Back. Started house hunting for reals. Went to Edmonton for Thanksgiving. Found drugs while cleaning up our smashed car window. Zombie’d. Saw the perfect place, put in an offer, and had the offer accepted all within 24 hours.

November: Celebrated the house buying. Fought with the downstairs neighbours. Had funding on our house denied. Went to Tofino; almost drowned. Tried several ways to make the house purchase work; all ultimately failed. Was devastated. Had the bedroom ceiling spring a leak due to a Molson Cold Shot. Saw many, many potential homes. Moved Josh and Shan into their new home; was sad that they left me. Heart broke for Miranda and Reilly after losing Luna. Put in an offer on a condo in a new building. Moved Miranda and Reilly into their new home. Failed NaBloPoMo for the first time in years – oops.

December: Got into college. Potential financing snag in second offer broke my brain completely. Showed off boobs at #hipsterkegger. Signed mortgage papers while hammered! Threw out so many things; donated even more. Packed all the boxes in the world. Cancelled Christmas. Discovered I had grandparents! Attempted to get sued by Lululemon. MOVED! Settled in; officially stopped living in the Ghetto of North Vancouver. Enjoyed the hell out of #hipsterchristmas. Hired cleaners; felt guilty. Wrote this enormous update naked and shivering.

This took forever to write, and now I need to have a shower. I’ve got a hot date with bowling and pizza, and a New Year’s Party to prepare for – I have no time for (further) reminiscing!